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My therapist suggested I see a nurse practitioner in town who manages psychiatric matters using conventional medicine and alternatives. She specializes at using nutrition to help the body heal. The NP is under the supervision of a psychiatrist who is well known for helping people with PTSD. My therapist had a handful of mutual clients with them. She didn't pressure me at all, I had been looking for a different psychiatrist for awhile and wanted to look at some of the things this NP specializes in.
I spoke to the NP on the phone for an initial 15 free consult and it was quite helpful. I eventually decied to make an appointment to see her, and by then, there was a waiting list.
Finally, about 6 weeks ago, I got scheduled to see her this week. I was a little nervous when the secretary told me that there was a main office, downtown, but it was all booked out an much more expensive to be seen there. She told me I could be seen at the home office at the NP's house for much cheaper (it was still hundreds of dollars - typical for my area, but still hard to swallow.) I made the appointment anyhow.
The secretary also told me that the NP has a garden, which she uses in the practice, and sometimes has people work in the garden in exchange for lower office visit fees. I thought this was very strange - not the garden (although maybe that is strange too) but the scholarships in exchange for work. I wondered what the professional boundaries were on this. I never checked, and I wish I had.
Last week my therapist asked if I wanted her to talk to the NP about me, to help her "understand what helps and doesn't help" and some of my struggle to handle helping professionals because of abusive family members who were also doctors and nurses and etc. I gave my therapist permission and figured this would help since the office was already a very triggering location.
Home offices for therapists and psychiatrists are not unknown in my area. Usually they have a separate entrance and waiting area from the house... I don't think home offices for mental health are the best idea, but I may be weird in this area because of my trauma history.
I arrived to the appointment.
I had figured that this meant her house was out in the countryside, or set apart from other homes, because of the garden. It wasn't. It was in a very heavily populated suburban neighborhood. The garden was essentially the entire front yard. No tall fences. Anyone could see who would be working in that garden.
I felt nervous. I wanted to leave but didn't want to incur a no-show fee. I walked up to the door. It was a normal looking house, no separate entrance. I walked up the driveway past kids toys strewn about.
On the door was a sign that said it was such and such psychiatric center. I wondered what the neighbors thought. This NP's website says she treats many different types of psych problems. There was a sign on the door that said "Welcome, please don't ring the doorbell. Just come on in and wait in the living room." It was a laminated sign, for all clients. I started to panic. The words "please wait in the living room" FREAKED me out.
I took some deep breaths and told myself, "ok, so she invites people with mental health problems to wait in her living room to save money on not paying for an office... She has sh*t for boundaries but I don't need to really super trust her, I just need advice about my blood work and medications. I need her expertise on that. This will be ok."
After a few minutes of trying to persuade myself that all was ok, I walked in.
The living room was... Well, lived in. It wasn't separate from the house. It was an actual living room. I could see into bedrooms, the backyard, the kitchen, etc, right from the entryway. It was clean, neat, but someone's algebra 1 homework and textbook was on the kitchen table.
I couldn't get myself to sit down. Everything in me screamed "there are no boundaries, this is dangerous." I began to panic and felt paralyzed. Then the NP and a male client walked out.
She asked me my name. I told her and she said she didn't have me on the schedule. I was hyperventilating and holding on to the leash to my service dog for dear life. She began to question why I thought I had an appointment. All I could think about was that I wanted her to back up, she was too close (she wasn't that close at all.) I told her I had a conformation email from her secretary...
Weird conversation ensued as I tried to regain composure and she acted... I was so triggered it is hard to say what the objective description would be. It felt like she was telling me I was lying and I was in trouble and I kept talking about my therapist and asked to reschedule.
While this was all happening, my phone started to ring - an officer calling about an investigation into a dangerous person stalking me. I broke down sobbing. My battery was on 1% life and I was in full panic.
I asked if I could charge my phone to call for a cab ride home. I didn't want to also tell her the police were calling about a dangerous stalker while I stood in her living room.
She told me no and I didn't stay to hear anything else she said. I walked down the street in tears, cell phone now dead. A woman walking by stopped and helped me reach the officer using her phone and that situation was resolved ok.
Then I finally charged my phone. As soon as it was powered again, I contacted my therapist and freaked out on her. Quit therapy, quit everything. I was so thrown that my very safe and boundaried therapist would send anyone to that NP - and mostly, I was so hurt and angry and triggered that the NP accused me of lying about the scheduling and getting the email. I felt like a powerless kid again standing in her living room.
My therapist and I re-grouped and I'm headed in to see her today. At her office. As usual.
I don't know what to make of all this. I'm not going to quit my therapist (again) about this - but I do want to talk through it.
Was my reaction to the whole wait in the living room thing all a PTSD trigger or is that actually unprofessional and bad boundaries? Any feedback?
Sorry this post is SO long. It's triggering me just to write. Ugh. No one harmed me - but I do know that I'm not going back to this NP. Right or wrong, I can't handle waiting in the living room.
I spoke to the NP on the phone for an initial 15 free consult and it was quite helpful. I eventually decied to make an appointment to see her, and by then, there was a waiting list.
Finally, about 6 weeks ago, I got scheduled to see her this week. I was a little nervous when the secretary told me that there was a main office, downtown, but it was all booked out an much more expensive to be seen there. She told me I could be seen at the home office at the NP's house for much cheaper (it was still hundreds of dollars - typical for my area, but still hard to swallow.) I made the appointment anyhow.
The secretary also told me that the NP has a garden, which she uses in the practice, and sometimes has people work in the garden in exchange for lower office visit fees. I thought this was very strange - not the garden (although maybe that is strange too) but the scholarships in exchange for work. I wondered what the professional boundaries were on this. I never checked, and I wish I had.
Last week my therapist asked if I wanted her to talk to the NP about me, to help her "understand what helps and doesn't help" and some of my struggle to handle helping professionals because of abusive family members who were also doctors and nurses and etc. I gave my therapist permission and figured this would help since the office was already a very triggering location.
Home offices for therapists and psychiatrists are not unknown in my area. Usually they have a separate entrance and waiting area from the house... I don't think home offices for mental health are the best idea, but I may be weird in this area because of my trauma history.
I arrived to the appointment.
I had figured that this meant her house was out in the countryside, or set apart from other homes, because of the garden. It wasn't. It was in a very heavily populated suburban neighborhood. The garden was essentially the entire front yard. No tall fences. Anyone could see who would be working in that garden.
I felt nervous. I wanted to leave but didn't want to incur a no-show fee. I walked up to the door. It was a normal looking house, no separate entrance. I walked up the driveway past kids toys strewn about.
On the door was a sign that said it was such and such psychiatric center. I wondered what the neighbors thought. This NP's website says she treats many different types of psych problems. There was a sign on the door that said "Welcome, please don't ring the doorbell. Just come on in and wait in the living room." It was a laminated sign, for all clients. I started to panic. The words "please wait in the living room" FREAKED me out.
I took some deep breaths and told myself, "ok, so she invites people with mental health problems to wait in her living room to save money on not paying for an office... She has sh*t for boundaries but I don't need to really super trust her, I just need advice about my blood work and medications. I need her expertise on that. This will be ok."
After a few minutes of trying to persuade myself that all was ok, I walked in.
The living room was... Well, lived in. It wasn't separate from the house. It was an actual living room. I could see into bedrooms, the backyard, the kitchen, etc, right from the entryway. It was clean, neat, but someone's algebra 1 homework and textbook was on the kitchen table.
I couldn't get myself to sit down. Everything in me screamed "there are no boundaries, this is dangerous." I began to panic and felt paralyzed. Then the NP and a male client walked out.
She asked me my name. I told her and she said she didn't have me on the schedule. I was hyperventilating and holding on to the leash to my service dog for dear life. She began to question why I thought I had an appointment. All I could think about was that I wanted her to back up, she was too close (she wasn't that close at all.) I told her I had a conformation email from her secretary...
Weird conversation ensued as I tried to regain composure and she acted... I was so triggered it is hard to say what the objective description would be. It felt like she was telling me I was lying and I was in trouble and I kept talking about my therapist and asked to reschedule.
While this was all happening, my phone started to ring - an officer calling about an investigation into a dangerous person stalking me. I broke down sobbing. My battery was on 1% life and I was in full panic.
I asked if I could charge my phone to call for a cab ride home. I didn't want to also tell her the police were calling about a dangerous stalker while I stood in her living room.
She told me no and I didn't stay to hear anything else she said. I walked down the street in tears, cell phone now dead. A woman walking by stopped and helped me reach the officer using her phone and that situation was resolved ok.
Then I finally charged my phone. As soon as it was powered again, I contacted my therapist and freaked out on her. Quit therapy, quit everything. I was so thrown that my very safe and boundaried therapist would send anyone to that NP - and mostly, I was so hurt and angry and triggered that the NP accused me of lying about the scheduling and getting the email. I felt like a powerless kid again standing in her living room.
My therapist and I re-grouped and I'm headed in to see her today. At her office. As usual.
I don't know what to make of all this. I'm not going to quit my therapist (again) about this - but I do want to talk through it.
Was my reaction to the whole wait in the living room thing all a PTSD trigger or is that actually unprofessional and bad boundaries? Any feedback?
Sorry this post is SO long. It's triggering me just to write. Ugh. No one harmed me - but I do know that I'm not going back to this NP. Right or wrong, I can't handle waiting in the living room.
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