Police Officer

[Tabula-Rasa]

Wow! I just registered a few minutes ago and "Police Officer" was the first introduction post I read. The two things I saw in your OP is the anger bordering on rage, the sense of betrayal, the sheer fear of trying to cuff a man able to lift 270# of you... and suddenly being powerless against a "system" when you've always been the one that was trained to control a situation and be in power.

There's an enormous amount of anger and rage on my side and part of my issue with my therapist is that she wants me to "let it go and acknowledge it" and, I can't. Not yet. She wanted me to "slowly throw the punch into the air" that I had talked about and I tried... and I was finding myself in that moment of pure rage when I could NOT stop hitting a guy that had attacked me long after he was done with the fight and it was only me pinning his arm that kept him standing at all. I couldn't DO that in the air at the therapist office. The second I DID the punch, I felt myself losing control of the anger and I was up out of the chair and pacing around the room... and back in a Beirut where I found myself with a gun in my hands instead of a camera.

The very first post I looked at was yours and I recognize the anger and betrayal... and all that I can say is that "the issue is not the issue."

The anger seems older.. feels older.

 

[Jacquie]

Hey Edward. This really struck a chord with me "For a long time I felt like it would be a sign of weakness to admit that I had a problem, much less, seek help."

I was determined this wasnt going to break me. I was sure I could handle it. Nothing has ever downed me before. But oh boy. I underestimated how far people are prepared to go. I snapped. My mind actually broke. I couldnt function at all and ended up in a hospital an incoherent blithering mess.

I dont think my own pride would have allowed me to admit how much I was struggling. And the sense of disbelief and betrayal was huge, but mainly for me at least, ME not being able to find or provide the solution (that pride again)

When I broke. I couldnt hide it any more. Man it was (and is) out there and apparent to anyone and everyone.

I shouldnt have left it so long but I kept thinking I can sort this out, just tough it out. You see for me too, admitting that 'weakness' that vulnerability I guess, admitting that they'd got to me. I couldnt do it.

So nobody really knew how bad it was until I broke.

Wisdom in hindsight is fine. But when its yourself in the middle of whats going on, its yourself who would be the least able to see the degeneration and say something.

I dont like 'bothering people' with my problems. Just wondering if you were the same too.

Is it our inability to burden others that takes us right up to that line where we break?

I was a 'never give up' person and that had stood me well for over half a century. But I'd never reached a point where I couldnt fix it or turn it around or walk away, but I was utterly trapped in this situation, and ....were you trapped as well? No mater what you did or said it just kept coming at you from all quarters?

And no matter what you have done RIGHT they'll find some way to find something you've done wrong and magnify it. Its called covering their own butts, by frying yours.

I have no fight left in me. They win. And I dont care any more. They're not worth it. But they wont stop til their butts are looking clean and fresh. I understand that now and so am not 'shocked' when it happens now.

((hug))

 

[snowtiger]

Hi edward,

I have also just discovered this site (aug 15), and saw your post. first of all, let me thank you for your service as a police officer - as a new yorker we have a special place in our hearts for all of you.

I am currently on social security disability - it was not easy to get but it IS possible. I went through a lawyer (who didn't get paid unless I did), and had to give over all medical information and have letters from doctors I was seeing for the problem, but it worked. if you need more details, let me know.

In the meantime, best thoughts to you.

Newyorker

<Quote removed, font style changed and grammar corrected by Amethist>

 

[a3a2]

Edward,

I too, want to say thank you. I am always amazed by the amount of crap you guys have to tolerate. You have my sincere admiration, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I know the feelings you are having. Doing the job like you should and then feeling betrayed by the very people who should be supporting you. I'm getting pissed off just thinking how my situation is very similar to yours. Sometimes the glass just overflows. PTSD is just as debilitating as a broken leg. It will get better but you may have a limp. Part of it is it doesn't take much stress to make that glass overflow again since your glass is already full. I myself don't deal very well any longer with stupid people and a LEO can't avoid them.

Stick with the therapy, start exploring the actions needed to get disability. Consider taking a leave to give yourself some breathing room. Take care of yourself physically PTSD can take a huge toll on your body.

 

[Wobbly Joe]

Good luck to you. From my experience, trust no one in authority on your dept nor anyone making money off of your condition. Coming forward was the worst decision I ever made. I would have been better off walking into traffic on a stop or just quitting with nothing at all. Find someone local who has gotten a result you could live with for advice and trust no one who stands to benefit personally from your illness. Expect it to be horrible and watch your back. But then, this state is famous for it's idiocy, maybe Georgia is different .

 

[Wobbly Joe]

In fact, if you can get a dime for PTSD in Georgia, then it's different.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I thought I was bitter ....Whoa!


It's just a job... sometimes it's better to make a plan and get out with a pension if have one or at least your sanity. I've seen guys get so screwed up they get fired and then they have nothing at all. No support system at all and they find themselves so deep in that hole it takes a very long time to get out.


It is a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes: if you are in one, stop digging. "Denis Healey"

 

[KP the nut]

Sometimes it is better to leave a job than to completely lose what mental health you have left.

I was in a job which I loved, unfortunately I was made redundant in May and it is only when I left I realised how much pressure I had put myself under. I am unsure if I can work full time - financially I need to. I have just got a lovely job working in my town for about 13 hours a week.

I am still fighting for compensation but I will certainly try for loss of earning by not being able to work full time.

Good luck and take care

 

[friendlybadger]

Hi Edward. Welcome! I'm new here too.

Is it possible to retire with 25-years service? My dad retired from the police force with full pension and benefits after 25-years. Maybe you could do the same?

 

[Wobbly Joe]

Bitter? It was just a warning about what happened to me. If you blindly hope that all will be well because it was all well for someone else then sometimes you may find yourself unpleasantly surprised. But this is my last post. Not my place to discourage others. For the record, I DID try to just quit, the Chief came up with a "plan" which was actually just retaliation for standing on Garrity v NJ after a shooting and wound up leaving a paper trail that seems insurmountable and interferes with future employment. Every job I've had since paid a little less until now I can't find work at all. So if I'm bitter, maybe leaving me alone would be your best play. Bite me Bill, you don't know my story or what is possible with the assistance of lawyers working for the city.