Positively Directing Attachment Issues: What Are Your Experiences?

[falling_wave]

I have noticed that so many of us struggle with attachment issues in a number or ways. I am wondering what advice, positive experiences, etc. Have you had overcoming or coping with those struggles and related emotions? I think a lot of us could use insight and encouragement in this area.

 

[Polly_pocket]

I'm not sure I can offer any advice because it's something I really struggle with. Although I feel a closeness to my friends when I am in their company when I am not with them I cannot summon up any feelings for them. It's like they disappear from my head. I am pretty much completely emotionally detached from my mum and brother all of the time because they were there during the abuse and it's too painful. I have often thought I must be a sociopath like my abuser because of this.

But I have had nearly two years of working on my trauma (not in a particularly focused way mind) and in the last couple of months I have noticed I have been really upset about the ending of a friendship and I miss my best friend when I don't see him for a while. These are tiny steps but my therapist says a sign things are beginning to improve. So I think improving attachment is possible- I just don't know how.

 

[City Slicker]

Attachment. Wow that's quite the word. I struggle with it too still. I grew up seeing that it wasn't possible to trust the adults in my life. As a child when I turned outward to find trust and acceptance, attachment, I had no idea how to do it.

I made a lot of mistakes trying to figure it out, got into a lot of trouble chasing acceptance and I realized it was better to be hard, angry, aggressive and good at things and exacting of myself because at least that way people had to notice me and 'contend' with me. It meant I existed at least and that I could make an impact, albeit negative. Well, it wasn't always negative because I developed some strengths and skills that others didn't have and teachers, adults sometimes saw that and I got reinforcement for what I did well.

The worst of it was that despite my 'I don't give a shit about anything' attitude, I desperately sought someone that gave a shit about me and I certainly never told anyone that back then - never told anyone that I was seeking attachment and acceptance. As a result I attached way too quickly at the least sign of kindness and gentleness expressed to me. But I would have rather died than let anyone know at the time they mattered to me. But people did matter to me and when their kindness left, I would be crushed, not understanding - but simply accepting their withdrawal and I would move on. No drama, I simply acted like none of it mattered.

I still have those 'ghosts in the machine' - the old desire to just be able to attach when someone is unpredictably kind to me with no strings. When I get that feeling I look to what I have in my life that I am attached to - and I ask if those attachments are 'good enough'. And mostly they are now. But that doesn't stop the old things from coming up from time to time. I believe that's part of the developmental trauma stuff.

 

[Chava]

I do body psychotherapy (S.E., other modalities). Working on letting my therapist closer in my space, letting myself touch her hand, let her touch my shoulder. Make eye contact. But really...not quit. That's maybe the big one for me...through all the shame, awkwardness, projected rejection, I quit and unquit. I stick it out and mostly trust her. So we are working on connection in safe ways....and also how I can find that for myself when I'm alone...the feeling of being connected.

 

[Biz]

The body work has also been helpful for me (reiki and Rosen Method). It's gentle and it's helped me realize a lot of the ways I react in the presence of others. I'm learning boundaries rather than just distancing, but that's been hard. She verbally comforts me when I'm triggered and explains how to do that myself or how to recognize when to take some attention to how I'm feeling. It also gives me at least one moment a week of feeling supported/close that I can go back to when I'm losing my s**t.

Now that I have been doing it a while (One year last month!), I feel more connected more frequently and another helpful thing has been just calling my attention to and soaking in moment of feeling close to friends. It's not to say everything isn't still there esp. fear of others, but body work helps me turn the volume down.

 

[falling_wave]

My attachment issue is generally that I feel attract friendships with women who are old enough to be my mom. I invest myself so much in these friendships and I am extremely sensitive to real and perceived loss of those friendships.

I still struggle but naming the out of context relationship helps. I've also noticed myself having a lot of assumptions about little things meaning rejection or loss so I calmly and casually ask those people before I becoming consumed with my emotions and myself spiral. I've been taking steps to start healthy friendships around my age and remind myself that it's what I need to do. I think grieving the initial event causing the attachment and all the failed attachment substitute relationships is healthy too. I recently hit a point where I know what is going on and I felt so sad and empty. I started beating myself up about it but then I realized this is good. I need to cry and feel the emptiness before I can attempt to fill it. I'm still learning and I'm sure I'll fall again numerous times before I fully find my way out but I'm learning and looking forward to hearing more of what you all have learned.

 

[Changing4Best]

There was this guy, it started back in 1994, and I finally detached this year. It was so hard. He was attracted to me, and I loved the attention and feeling wanted, but all he wanted was sex. I said NO, over and over again, but I could not let go. I have no idea why I could not let go of him, but I could not. He kept hanging on, thinking he would change my mind. I never did. We had an stalemate of sorts. I guess he could not let go either. Finally, I have let go now, but I have no idea if he will write me out of the blue or not. I hope I can ignore it if he does.

Any advice about how to ignore it if he does, would be greatly welcome.

 

[falling_wave]

@SheilaKathy I've discovered I'm no good at ignoring things and I don't want to be. Being ignored has caused me so much pain in life that I don't want to learn to be good at it. I've discovered I'm better at taking risks in communicating effectively. Right now before he contacts you think about what you want and what is healthy for you. If you don't want a relationship you can tell him that. All you have to say is I don't think we are a good match for each other. If he says that you are a good match for you you can say that it takes two and unfortunately you don't feel that way. If you guys have had good times maybe say thanks for a good time and then stick to what's best for you. Communication with boundaries I believe is the key.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have learned not to accept the total world weight of responsibility for 'all' my muddy waters within my attachment concerns. I have spent time in therapy to understand the conditions that provided that fertile ground for unhealthy fears and let go of the shame that was not mine to bear. I am working on self esteem and not accepting 'tid bits' or intermittent gratification in desperation to feel loved. In other words, I let the "other" party own their stuff and do not try to rescue the relationship when they withdrawal on a regular basis to manipulate.

It is a life journey, I believe for many people to have a balance for finding as well as maintaining healthy relationships while learning to trust trustworthy people.