Possible Molestation

[Lagosu]

For various reasons ( chronic dissociation, neglectful and psychologically abusive childhood, inability to ever say no or ask for anything I needed, complete disconnect from everything to do with sexuality etc.) I suspect I may have been abused/molested as a child. I was surrounded by malicious, spiteful family members and I can remember one incident when I was 3-4 years old and visiting my grandparents and my grandfather wanted me to sit on his lap and when I said no, because I was scared of him he tried to pull me across the floor with his walking stick around my leg from where I was sitting to force me. I can't remember the outcome, other family members were present but I have a very dysfunctional family on that side so all I remember is one of my aunts scolding me because I said no and pretending I should because he had given me a present ( but he had only pretended to give me a present that my aunt had bought), instead of telling him to stop. He was a very controlling man, who had no genuine affection for anybody, so I wonder if it is likely he had a sexual motive as I can't think of any other reason?

 

[Nugep]

Im wondering what made you think you were molested? You dont say that you can actually remember if you were? I really hope that your were not as it is horrible if that actually happened to you.
Could you be having confusing memories? You say you were very young at the time.
Are you having therapy at the moment as you have so much going on, if so maybe you could discuss with your T as to what the memories are and what they mean.

 

[Zivaka]

I really don't see a sexual motive, at all. You haven't written anything indicative of that being the case. It sounds to me like a grandparent playfully pulling their grandchild to sit with them (as grandparents don't tend to see their grandchildren too often). Trying to mind-read into the past about what could possibly have gone on in his head regarding an act that had no sexual innuendo included could be quite maddening,.
Do you have experiences with sexual abuse in the past that is leading you to think along these lines?

 

[Movuje]

All you describe can (I think) be attributed to other types of abuse.

Have you ever engaged in sexual activity? I ask because that is the giveaway for many. If you have a total freak out for no reason when trying to be intimate, that can be a good indicator of past sexual abuse.

 

[Ohafu]

neglectful and psychologically abusive childhood

You don't seem to want to dwell on this part, and that's okay. If you want to elaborate, that might end up putting your post into a completely different light.

Because a neglected and psychologically abusive childhood? All by itself, that's a really big deal. People get complex ptsd from that stuff sometimes, even if everything else in their life was rainbows and bunny rabbits.

If you feel like being psychologically abused and neglected "isn't enough" to have warranted massive fallout later in life? That's really common, lots of people minimise the impact that kind of abuse "should" have had on them. Like it "should" be no big deal.

Personally, the psychological abuse I endured as a kid did by far the most damage. And 20 years later? It's still the stuff that I'm finding hardest to recover from.

 

[Lagosu]

Thanks for the replies. It is difficult for me to know at the moment if there is anything more to that memory of my grandfather, so I am grateful for your perspectives on it, as I am still trying to face up to the fact that the childhood neglect and almost non-stop psychological abuse I experienced was almost certainly deliberate rather than thoughtless and unintended as I used to believe, so that makes me worry what else might have happened, as I have always had signs of trauma since childhood. I am just not sure why I still have this memory of my grandfather or why it has come back into my mind over the past couple of years when it happened approx. 40 years ago. It is the only memory I have of any interaction with him, he has been dead since I was around 8 years old, he was definitely not playful, he was constantly malicious, he didn't want my mother to get married as he wanted her to look after him and his wife in his old age and always resented the existence of her husband and children, and encouraged her to also resent and psychologically abuse us.

The whole area of intimate relationships is something I have avoided all my life, I have mostly been so dissociated without knowing that that was what it was called that it made no sense to be in a relationship. I can only recall one other instance of what could be called molestation, which was when I was a teenager, I once attended a dentist who inappropriately touched my breasts, but in hindsight my reaction at the time worries me as I immediately assumed if I told my mother she would blame me and also tried to tell myself it might not have happened as it felt so unreal ( by this point my father had died, or I might have been able to tell him), and I did not say no or tell him to stop, although I did not attend any further appointments with him, and I did not realise at the time that other children might also be at risk from him as I was so sure that it was my own fault. I still have a tendency to think of it as no big deal instead of being outraged as I should be, and tend to be surprised by cases in the media of doctors being prosecuted for things like this. So I think for some reason my sense of bodily integrity has never been present, although maybe the psychological abuse and physical neglect could also cause this, as I do still tend to minimise the effects of the psychological abuse, as somebody helpfully points out in the post above.

 

[Womo]

For me, I wouldn't have been able to accurately start piecing together my childhood without a T that I trusted. Memory is such a difficult and unknown area.

It could be that there's more to this thing with your grandad than you currently recall.

It could be that there's something else, with a completely different person, but your brain considers this memory with grandad to be safer to let you access than the other stuff.

It could be that the emotions attached to this memory are the only reason that this memory keeps coming back to you, and figuring out what those emotions are linked to, like completely different situations that your brain currently won't let you access where those same emotions came up, are why this memory has significance.

At the moment, unfortunately, allowing yourself to sit with "I just don't know yet", is safer and more helpful than pulling and pulling.

Or it could be that what you've always brushed off about your psychological abuse as a child is a much much bigger issue than you've allowed yourself to consider before.

All of those (and plenty more) are real possibilities. But trying to pull at memories can very easily make our brain "fill in the gaps" with stuff that we've heard about or read about, just to solve the questions, and not necessarily accurately. And our brain creating inaccurate memories only creates more problems, without getting to the real issues.

Working through these issues with a T experienced in trauma gives you a safe process to answer these questions in a way that is much more likely to give you accurate answers that you can recover from, at a pace, and with the skills, that you're going to need to cope with the information as it comes.

It actually sounds like what you already know about your childhood is more than enough to explain why you've had the struggles that you've had. The abuse you know you went through, is a much bigger deal than has been safe to acknowledge. Until we're separated from that situation, the human brain considers it unsafe to acknowledge "my primary caregivers were abusive". Until now, your brain probably hasn't allowed that to be an option.

But for some reason (and there are infinite possible reasons), you brain is throwing this memory at you with uncomfortable emotions that it sounds like you need to process. It also sounds like you could do with some support to acknowledge the abuse that you do remember from your childhood, and finally start feeling the shame, anger, grief, and all the other complex emotions that you haven't been allowed to feel and process before.

Stick around. This place is really supportive, and you'll find lots of great advice from people who genuinely relate.

 

[Gosad]

The sad thing is that we can't force our brains into remembering things they don't and it can even cause us further harm if we try to. There are 3 or more possibilities for you. One is that it did happen but your brain isn't ready to deal with it (and pushing things could cause more harm). Two is that it didn't happen (and pushing things could potentially make your brain believe it did and cause you more harm). Three is that molestation is almost a metaphor for the psychological abuse and lack of boundaries forced on you, That you were trained into having having no boundaries and being unable to protect yourself.

I don't think its possible to say what did or didn't happen for you but I do understand your need for answers. Sometimes we need to trust in our brains knowing what we need and rather deal with what is there that we do remember.

Agreed with the other poster than malicious psychological abuse and neglect can have a profound effect on us. It can be a hard journey acknowledging that there was harmful intent when we previously convinced ourselves all was well meant.

At the very least your grandfather sounds controlling. Try to be patient with yourself and deal with what you do know first. If there is more its possible your brain will let you know once it feels you have enough coping skills in place. It is possible to get depersonalisation disorder from the psychological stuff alone and problems with intimacy can be to do with boundary violations and other violations of self. Psychological harm or covert sexual abuse rather than overt.

 

[Lagosu]

Thanks for your replies Womo and Gosad, they are very helpful with lots of things I need to think more about in them, coming to terms fully with the extent and deliberate nature of the psychological abuse is probably the thing I need to focus on more at present, acknowledging the malicious nature of it is hard as although I have known for a long time that their behaviour was inappropriate and damaging to me it has taken me a long time and a lot of incidents to be able to say that there is actually something fundamentally wrong with a lot of the members of my family particularly in my mother's and grandparents generations that verges on the psychopathic but has mainly been hidden from people outside the family, not just in their treatment of me but in their general dispositions