Possible Parts

[Thehalflingninja]

Okay, so I've read a few posts that mention parts. Some people with parts say they have DID and others don't have DID. I've also heard the term "co-conscious." I don't know what that means but I'd really like to. I am just now starting to face the possibility that I have parts.

Let me explain. About 7 or so years ago I started to experience moments during dissociating where I would think I was a younger age. I only had one safe person supporting me at the time and I'm so grateful she didn't run away from all the PTSD mess. Anyway, I would dissociate and think I was 6 or 11 or 13 or 15. Lots of different ages, that's just a sampling. With each age my behavior changed. My available memories changed, my posture and voice would change depending on the age. The strange thing is I can remember what happened. Many of the memories are foggy. It still happens and I've noticed that my memory for what occurs when I do this has gotten better. I remember feeling that age and believing I'm that age and the thought processes I had during the dissociative episode.

I was a psychology major in college. I learned about DID and I've been so terrified of that diagnosis that I've hidden my symptoms like this from my various therapists. What I don't understand is the dual reality I seem to have when I have an episode like this. One part of me believes she is that age and acts accordingly. Another part of me, usually dominant me knows I'm really 26 and this is an episode but it's like being a passenger in a car instead of in the driver's seat. I can't seem to stop it. It's like I have no control. I get to watch but I can't apply the gas or brake. At times I can manage a suggestion that my younger self might follow, might not.

Anyway, any advice or info on this would be greatly appreciated. I feel overwhelmed with finally facing this instead of running away from it.

 

[Ronin]

co-conscious." I don't know what that means but I'd really like to.

Basically being aware of dissociated parts of existence' influence on yourself.

Being mindful about own head in daily life.

 

[Ronin]

I learned about DID and I've been so terrified of that diagnosis that I've hidden my symptoms like this from my various therapists.

That makes sense - is in fact typical of that spectrum of dissociative issues - thing is:

All you fear, you lived already. Survived already, whether you remember it or not. In a way, there's nothing to fear, just make peace with. Doesn't make it less scary to bugf*ck terrifying, but you can come through this.

 

[shimmerz]

I've also heard the term "co-conscious."

For me, co-conscious is being aware of an altered state. I may be completely physically frozen, cannot move, cannot respond to others who are requesting that I move, but I am aware that I am in this state but can do nothing about it. Co-conscious is not always this dramatic but it is the awareness that defines it I think. Almost like looking through a looking glass at yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thank you for this post; incredibly helpful for me to read. I've often wondered this myself. Sometimes I catch myself doing something crazy and I can't stop myself, even though there is a part of me that smirking at myself and analyzing the situation, as if from afar. It sounds like we have similar experiences. I've also wondered about parts and DID, because it is just so crazy-making sometimes, but in the same breathe, I never assume a different "identity" - I al always just some other (younger) version of myself.

I look forward to reading what others think on this subject.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Yes thank you for this post. It's finally telling me I have some symptoms I never knew were what they are, but describes perfectly. Sorta makes me feel less worried about them.

I guess as with most PTSD stuff, one big key to recovering is integration. I don't know too much about how to do that, but knowing there are some buried parts is really important.

One thing I noticed about "little J" is that he actually finds my more day to day self a bit harsh and hard to take. Which is... extremely hard to know what to do with. But interesting. Little J has only shown up pretty rarely under certain types of immense stress.

I feel crazy just posting this. There's some shame in it, but I guess maybe there need not be.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Thehalflingninja .. :hug:

My man ("complex" PTSD dissociative) has used the same analogy - being the passenger in the car but the "other" is driving. MOST times he is aware ("co-conscious"), but there is one part ("Grumpy"/controller) that CAN cause him to black-out. He also experiences what he calls "acting out" and this is usually when the other side of him - his more "emotional" (usually the "little" or "younger" parts) - take over and "make bad decisions" but he feels powerless to stop what's happening (a minor example would be impulse spending on a "toy") ..

I have gone back and forth trying to figure out if "DID" would describe my man more fully, but I think he's more what used to be called "DDNOS" ("Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified") .. nevertheless, after two years of struggling with the proper "labels" (which is not to say the struggle hasn't been worth it, but there does seem to be this "longing" to NAME a thing as if that gives it more legitimacy or makes it more understandable), we have kinda settled on a space where it really doesn't matter for us. That's not true for everyone - some people need more "external" help, but my fiancé is highly self-aware .. though even at that, he's nearly 50 years old, and he only JUST started to get a handle on his struggles in the past couple years as we've worked through this together - in large part because HE felt ashamed, and was hiding his experience, even from me. Then we started to get serious, and he started to "invite" me into his internal experience, and was convinced I would "wake up" and realize I didn't want him .. Meh. Made me love him MORE!! :inlove:

Even with "age" against him, in my man's case, he doesn't "need" meds (we tend to think meds can actually make dissociative experiences worse!), WE need to be in agreement about how to communicate, HE needs to be "in agreement" internally about how to "manage" decision-making, emotions, experiences, our relationship, etc.

And as his wife-to-be, and his primary Supporter, I was already hard-wired with a belief system that prepared me to see him as BEAUTIFUL, to ADMIRE his struggle, to PRAISE his survival skill (genuine SKILL!), to CELEBRATE the ways in which I see he's absolutely BRILLIANT, to MOURN with him over the griefs he's suffered - the experience of empathy is HUGELY validating and necessary to healing, in my opinion - and to be THANKFUL that he found a way to survive in the face on unimaginable, repeat and "complex" traumas .... A lesser man (using the phrase loosely and meaning NO offense!) would either not have had the savvy to survive, or would have possibly committed suicide and never seen his 30th birthday, let alone his 40th, and now soon 50th .. etc.

And we have found, through MUCH conversation, much "trial and error" (though not as much as some), and several "contractual" type arrangements (like the rule that we "speak in the now" or like the rule that we each "own our own center" so the one doesn't get lost in the other inside our relationship, et al) that function like a kind of polices-and-procedures manual inside our relationship and make things run way more smoothly overall, and he "switches" far less frequently - at least what he refers to as "hard clicks" .. now his "switches," in the conventional sense, are far more like anyone else's experience of a change in moods .. and most people who know him just think he's "eccentric" .. *shrug* Ok. So he's eccentric. *shrug* Take it or leave it. He'd just as soon prefer people "leave" it (and thus leave him alone!) LOL....

AND to the extent that THAT is true, even though I am not anywhere near "DID" myself, I experience rapid and sometimes extreme mood changes that feel and look externally very similar, and we BOTH have to have a lot of patience with each other. Another one of our "rules" is that we always make it a point to exercise GRACE towards one another .. to TRUST each other's INTENT even if the immediate presentation of a thing "looks" like something that could trip the other up to feel offended, we choose rather NOT to be offended .. NOT easy, but necessary intentionality.

And as we grow through these discoveries of what works and what doesn't, as we TALK at length through various flashbacks and/or "switches" and/or experiences or "states of mind" (such as when one of his "littles" is primarily in control), I need to learn to recognize and adapt .. Like the time I was sick and "Little" was the one who tended to me, but he's only about 7 years old, so I had to recognize he couldn't think about bringing me a trashcan in case I might throw up, or a glass of water and help me drink it, etc. .. but then, he does the same with me and my "moods" .. Like the time I had a spinal injury and he NURSED me in his home, caring for me for 2 months when no one else in my family/friends circle could/would.

It is my FIRM belief: There is REAL healing. There is REAL love. There is REAL perseverance. There is REAL hope. There is REAL recovery - even if it's in fits and jabs or fits and starts .. whatever the expression. All the while we wrestle through our challenges and get better with each other, too.

I just want to encourage you - don't let the diagnosis SCARE you, because it doesn't DEFINE you. You are you, your life is whatever your life is *shrug* .. we just have to learn to navigate, we learn to grow, we aim for our "best" self, we chase OPTIMAL (NOT "normal"), and we have grace for each other, and OURSELVES in the process .. Ask for help when you need it. Choose people to surround you who won't make you feel "shame" but who champion you .. And remember that "flashbacks" really are one way our mind seeks to heal itself .. it can be a BEAUTIFUL reality even if the momentary experience is hard .. (sometimes VERY hard, that's true, but it's so WORTH it!) :inlove:

Sending much encouragement your way! :)

~WU

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Jemini .. :hug:

JUST my personal opinon .. "integration" is overrated. SOME degree is probably necessary, because as you said, there are "buried" parts. And ALL of you needs to feel "safe" and "taken care of" on some level .. even if it's you "parenting yourself" to some degree. But in our case (see above), we have come to think my Mr. might never become "fully integrated" .. as if that's really the goal? By that we mean .. my man will probably always be some measure of himself ("Middle") and "Grumpy" .. but it's the "little" parts that we need to be especially attentive to, caring of, protective of, championing, etc. He has two "little" parts which we THINK are now integrated with each other and "integrating" into my Mr.'s "Middle" .. I think as he continues this journey, he will probably land on a version of himself that is "Grumpy" (more rational side) and "Middle" (main "host" integrated with "littles" .. I would probably think of his "little(s)" as his "core") and ALL sides of him comprising the WHOLE of him, even if Grumpy and Middle always have their own sense of identity and "role" (or responsibilities/jobs) inside my man....

The biggest key to "unlocking" what I have ALWAYS referred to as "the heart of the man" (even YEARS before we had a handle on this "dissociative" stuff) was him truly believing that I unconditionally loved him, that I TRUSTED his HEART, even if his actions sometimes couldn't be explained, and most of all, NO SHAME. :inlove:

In your case, I would probably suggest identifying the most LOVING person in your world, or finding a GOOD therapist/counselor with a LOVING disposition and a solid understanding of dissociative "issues" so that T could be atuned to the specifics of your experience, and adapt accordingly. It is ABSOLUTELY nothing to be "ashamed" of .. and when we feel shame, we try all the more to "hide" (goes right back to the garden of Eden, if you ask me!) .. but hiding definitely makes things worse. :( One hard part .. people with PTSD in general - or c-PTSD + dissociative experiences more particularly - tend to have a "broken" ability to know WHO is a trust-WORTHY person, too. So please be careful in whom you might choose. :inlove:

I will say it again, it IS WORTH IT! :inlove: ALL of us need to "begin" again .. or, if you'll allow, to be .. *ahem* "BORN" again. ;)

~WU

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thank you for all this @WhisperingUnicorn . Wish I had more time to respond, plus wanting to not take over this thread. There's SOOO much here that is incredibly insightful for me and also very new to be looking at.

I agree total integration -- or any version of attaining the ideal state -- is not a goal in itself. That said, the nature of traumas is that they can be locked in a part of the holographic neural net that is often described as "short-term memory" and it is this very non-integration with the whole that makes them problematic in many ways.

All of which is the typical stuff "big J" says -- being my primary self. I am having a massive insight into how, when I was 6-7, and my mother was explicitly saying "You're such a burden, if it doesn't get easier to take care of you I'll kill myself [and implicitly, you]" -- well, okay, so now I have this stunted 6 year-old self who is not allowed to exist, along with the self I forged trying to be my own parent, who always must know what to do, cannot ask anyone for help, and comes off as a bit stern or know-it-all or take your pick.

For me, some integration would be a really good thing. However, I am still unclear if I quality as DID. I have a therapist who is good in the sense of being caring and wanting to form a long-term relationship, but still not sure how much he really understands about PTSD, despite this being his specialty. I will need to discuss all this with him. Little J I'm sure makes up some part of my "normal" personality. But in the rare cases when I've completely dissociated and he's all that is there, it is incredibly striking how much kinder and nicer he seems than dissertation J.

Anyway if I had more time this would be briefer. Thanks for all writing this thread, very eye opening to me. If you like please come say hi in my crazy journal some time.

 

[Sandstone]

after two years of struggling with the proper "labels" (which is not to say the struggle hasn't been worth it, but there does seem to be this "longing" to NAME a thing as if that gives it more legitimacy or makes it more understandable)

I like labels. They seem to make things more manageable for me. In the proposed ICD 11 there is Complex dissociative intrusion disorder

"...characterised by the presence of two or more distinct, nonintegrated or incompletely integrated subsystems of the personality (dissociative identities), each of which exhibits a distinct pattern of experiencing, interpreting, and relating to itself, others, and the world. One identity is dominant, but is persistently and recurrently intruded on by one or more other dissociative identities, although these do not take full control over the person’s consciousness and behaviour. Dissociative intrusions typically involve a combination of cognitive, affective, perceptual, sensory, motor, or behavioral features. The symptoms are not consistent with a recognized neurological disorder or other health condition. The disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning." from Link Removed

I think this defines what i experience, although I'm only just learning to recognise that it it that, and have huge chunks of time when I still don't believe it.

I particularly like the word Intrusion. I visualize something like a hernia which wil bulge through the muscle wall when enough stress is placed on it

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Wondering what peoples thoughts are as to whether the fragmented parts that are evident when in a highly dissociated state might actually be less fragmented parts (more integrated) at other times. As opposed to parts just MIA most of the time.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@stenni .. :hug:

Oh yes, I LIKE labels (perhaps too much) .. It's been with MUCH hesitation that I "give up on" our "need" for them. ;) LOL

And yes, MANY of the descriptions are VERY helpful .. but that's where I would draw the line (if such a thing were even necessary) ..

These are DEscriptive .. not PREscriptive .. not DEFINING ..

And I only make a distinction for 2 reasons:

1) We are always changing creatures. My Mr. for example, would UNDOUBTEDLY have been diagnosed as DID a couple years ago. But the healing journey we are on (together!) very much "graduates" him from this particular "label" .. and

2) Our temptation, with "labels" is to get too locked into the description of who or how we ARE (at this present moment) and thus lose sight of who we were MEANT (or MADE) to be (optimal/best/healthy self).

So ya, I don't really argue the distinction .. I don't "mind" if people use labels or even DESIRE them. I suppose I preach more to myself when I draw the line because I can tend to feel too "defined" by them and it stifles my ambition/idealism, et al. There might also be more than a little "distrust" woven into me concerning the "health" profession in general, too .. at least to the degree the "government" feels the need to be involved .. but that's a WHOLE 'nother conversation. ;)

Despite my "distinction" regarding "labels" .. I give a hearty CHEERS! to anyone seeking to understand/explore/examine themselves and strive for the person their Maker INTENDED them to be all along .. :inlove: .. I should quietly back away, now, before my biases start showing. hehehe!

~WU