Relationship Possiblities & Answers

[christine12]

I have written seems to be several threads in reference to my dating a man who has PTSD from combat. I have gotten very good advice as well as constructive criticizm as well, I like to hear others opinions other than my own and some of my friends dont understand PTSD. So every opinion I recieve is again appreciated. Now with that being said......

My friend and I talked tonight on the phone and we were jokingly talking about how the weather has changed and how its getting colder; we talked about winter weather like snow. As we began talking about snow he was saying how he was gonna make several snow balls this winter and hit me with them, he also made the comment "its gonna be me and my daughter againist you and your daughters snow ball fighting this winter".

I know that I doesnt sound like much but It made me think that was a sign that he was actually thinking farther than tomorrow for a minute. I didnt say anything to him because I didnt want to make a moutain out of a mole hill however it was a nice gesture to make or say even if he might not have realized it .... just wanted to share it and see of anyone else had a opinion ???

Thanks in advance

Chrissy

 

[Nicolette]

Oh Chrissy

Reading your posts breaks my heart as I realise how you are desperately looking for some light and direction with this relationship.

I really don't want to upset you but PTSD is a day by day illness - one day they will be as if nothing is wrong and the next you can feel like an intruder in your own home. Drastic realms of the spectrum but I have weathered those extremes.

Having had low self esteem at points in my life I can also take PTSD out of the equation and see that you are just wanting to be accepted and loved with some sort of promise that there is a future - that you will not be alone. I hope for your sake that this relationship works out for you both.

Right now you have hit the nail on the head in that it was a nice gesture but not much more. I am sorry but I think you are going to have to take this one day at a time. It is with all good intentions I warn you it is like a rollercoaster so please make sure you are happy with what you are investing in as it is hard work but, with the right person, can be rewarding like any relationship.

 

[p-no]

Right now you have hit the nail on the head in that it was a nice gesture but not much more.

I agree... and am sorry for saying this because I walked in the same shoes, it seems, for a while and know what it did to me, clutching to those straws. They are not nothing, but they're also not much.

even if he might not have realized it

That's another thing... He even might not have realized it.

As said, it feels I was in similar shoes, to say the least, and I just hope very much that the hope you seem to feel will not turn into longing because longing can easily lead to co-dependency -- at least it was like that for me. I have been learning to focus on my life, moving on and living it, having fun and taking things for what they are.

Wishing you a strong relationship with yourself before all others.

Best wishes.

 

[christine12]

Nicolette and prime-no I appreciate your advice as well as words of wisdom on things that have happened or things that sound all to familiar in your own past history . I wish I could say that I believe that everything will be teacups in roses but I know that it won't be and probably never will be , and I may not ever be a normal relationship and I get that , but I also know that you have to be true to yourself and others. I feel as if sometimes my feelings are in limbo sometimes I am encouraged other days I think I am just helplessly waiting for him to realize what a opportunity he would be passing up.

I don't feel that I am a codependent I just feel like I am a nurturer and a generally strong willed person who just varies about people but I am also a very independent woman who has handled my own set of struggles and my own rights in life. I just feel like I wanna fair shot at this and I wish he was able to give that to me and if he is not than he just isn't able to . I guess he will either realize that he would be letting something good go and that I will eventually walk away from this situation and be his friend only and not allow my heart in this anymore.

I appreciate the good and well wishes for a relationship with peace , I hope for that too but I understand that it may not happen.

Sincerely Chrissy

 

[discarded]

Hi Christine. Nicolette and prime-no are both right. I too have been there and to an extent I will always be tied to my sufferer. I have been married to him for nearly 28 years, diagnosed around 7 years ago with PTSD following 4 deployments with the army. With every deployment less of the man I knew and loved came home, the last trip he had a meltdown and through my intervention he returned early. He has never been happy ever since. He has done terrible things that have taken their toll on our relationship and so 10 weeks ago, I moved out with our daughter and son. His communication with me is practically non-existent. Most contact is instigated by me and is usually about our daughter who is only 11.

Some days he is able to chat as long the subject is not about our relationship or his illness. He gets angry with me very easily. Last night he started a texting chat with me, the first he has instigated. I have just had a wisdom tooth out and he actually wanted to know how I was. I kept it simple and we exchanged 10 or so texts, until it was time to collect my daughter from a party. I simply ended it with thanks for the chat, he sent back a blank reply. I find it so hard after all these years together to have gotten to the point that I am so uncomfortable in his company, I don't know him anymore. I love the man who fathered our 4 children (2 are married with kids of their own) and it crushes me that he is gone and that the person left behind does not want to share his life with me. I hope everyday that he will open up to me but I know it won't happen. I ask what he wants to do about our marriage, our assets and our daughter, and I get know reply or an angry "I don't know". I can't plan anything that includes him and yet if I don't include him I am the worst person in the world. Until I found this forum after leaving him, I really had little understanding that I was not handling the situation very well. I had become frustrated and angry at him for shutting me out, for not seeking help.

Try not to build up your hopes on passing comments, he was probably having a good day. He may have meant it at the time but tomorrow may be completely different and he will say you misunderstood, or you read into it what you wanted to hear. It is heartbreaking, frustrating and at times infuriating but there is no point in arguing the point as it will only add to the stress and aggravate the situation even further. It is hard a road for supporters and sufferers alike and the more prepared you are the better you will cope.

 

[Dallas]

Hi Christine,
I would try to keep the focus more on yourself. Concentrate on your own job/career/hobbies and activities. Then your moods won't be so dependent on what he does or doesn't do. You are putting him first in your life, above all others and everything else (including God) and that is a dangerous place to be.

I've truly found the more I do this in my own relationship, the more my boyfriend wants to see me/be with me. That is helpful to me, because it lets me know where our relationship stands and makes me feel secure in our relationship (most times, lol!).

Take a 48 hour break from him, from thinking about him, from talking about him. Just do things to improve your own life for 48 hours, and you will be amazed at how good you feel.

Your boyfriend will be fine without you. In fact, he is better off in God's hands than yours. God can help him way better than you can. I've seen amazing healing and changes in my boyfriend in 7 months by leaving him to God's care and healing. I've learned to stay out of God's way and let Him do His job!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

Hi Christine,

You said you are a nurturer. So am I- I am a veterinarian so I guess that profession fits for me. :)

In order to fill that "void" of nurturing while my boyfriend is sick or in the hospital, I have been volunteering at the local VA hospital one or two days a week, 3 or 4 hours each day. I am working as a liaison in the surgical ICU between staff and families waiting for loved ones in surgery. It is an amazing experience and very fulfilling.

I feel I am honoring all the men and women who have been injured or killed fighting for our country, especially these four brave men who recently lost their lives in Benghazi, as well as honoring my boyfriend who also risked his life and gave a huge sacrifice.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[here4him]

He made tons of "future plans" with me, but in the end, it didn't matter. He was going to teach me to shoot a gun (he was a sniper in the Army), he was going to take me to a football game of the college he is a huge fan of, etc. These were all things we were going to do down the road. Then, he was just gone.

 

[celia]

Yes, how about the promise of a trip to Mexico and an engagement upon his return from deployment , he, the person that told me that, never returned...also....looking back, there were so many promises he made that were never realized.

 

[Nicolette]

I just feel like I wanna fair shot at this

When all is said and done, stripping back to the bare bones, both people have to want to be in the relationship for it to ever have a chance of being something.

 

[Nicolette]

This is my parting post as there are about 4 or 5 threads already all surrounding the same thing.......

I am not going to give an opinion but I will highlight what stands out to me:

don't feel that I am a codependent I just feel like I am a nurturer and a generally strong willed person who just varies about people but I am also a very independent woman who has handled my own set of struggles and my own rights in life. I just feel like I wanna fair shot at this and I wish he was able to give that to me

He expresses to me when we discuss relationships that he doesn't feel comfortable yet

I always am there to ask are you ok is there anything i can do or say to help or I just try and make him laugh to take his mind off of certain things. Sometimes when I am having a bad day but I realize he is having a worse day I just keep my issues to myself and try to stay up for him.

I just really wonder sometimes if I am enough for him

I guess really I want him to take a chance go out on that limb, I expressed to him today that he has told me things, he has shut me out at times, he is way too brutally honest at times, and he can be difficult and moody BUT I AM STILL HERE and I haven't wavered and I still stand on my original feelings that I want something with him

I know by his actions he wants so much more I just think the fear of the past relationships he has had keeps him from going farther because he is afraid of what would happen.

I am alwats there for him when he is ready.

I can tell that he cares a great deal by his actions not so much by words.

However for those who made it seem as i was being selfish I just wanted you to know that without any doubts what so ever when I am there for him I mean I am there for him at anytime and at any hour.

But here is one thing, I am a very nuturing person I am expressive and I care probably way to much about people..... I can tell this is diffrent for him because he seems to not know what to do with me when I am that way.... my question what should I do ? How should I be? What things should I look for or certain things I shouldnt do??

I need advice because I am not really sure how to deal with his fear of commiting to a relationship.

Sorry..... when I put all this together it screams two things to me.....I'll let you work it out.

 

[christine12]

ANSWERS

Well after my posts and threads ; I am sad to say that my spirit is broken today and the faith that I had seems to have diminished . I met with the man I have been seeing today and spent some time with him, but before leaving him I decided that I would take the chance to ask him what is it that keeps us from not being together in a relationship . His reply he doesn't know why he is still trying to figure out what is going on with his self. I left the conversation disappointed and sad and literally left driving in my car in tears because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I realized that I started to fall for this guy and my heart was already in this ,& he couldn't tell me what he wanted . So.what do I do how am I supposed to leave this situation ? I have messed myself up I let my guard down to someone who will end up bursting me.

Left sad and frustrated ,

Chrissy