Post Therapy Negative Thoughts

[recoveringfromptsd]

Besides having an IBS attack after therapy, since therapy with my abuse therapist the other day, I have been having a lot of negative thoughts. The session was a particular had one because I talked about some of the actual abuse and feelings around it.

The session was the first for me in terms of dealing with the actual abuse.

Its like the session turned on a switch that got me saying in my head "Is this really worth the pain", "will this roller coaster never end", "I just want it to stop".

 

[ladee]

And this is when you hang on even tighter! This is when you come here and share like you did.
This is when we tell you it gets real. And it hurts. And we are here For you.
This is when you find out how brave you are. How strong you really are.
We tell you many of us have been right where you are and feeling just what you are feeling.
And we took baby steps because it hurt. But we also healed a little.
Remind yourself you are not alone. We have been there . we are there now or will be there eventually.
This is where you hang on to a thread of Hope because we have no reason to lie to you.
The pain is not going to last forever. Its hard work. But you can make it to the other side
Sending gentle hugs of encouragement and experience. You can do this!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I don't have much choice but to hold on, and do whatever it takes to get thru all this. In my heart I know I have to do this to get better. If I give up everyone knows where I stand on life, so I would like be committed.

But yes, I hurts a lot.

 

[ladee]

I know. There were times I thought I was dying because I couldn't breathe. And it was physical too. The fetal position was not small enough or tight enough.
And I learned to lie flat on my back so the pain could release.
And yet we heal. We make progress.
Cry and do what you need to do to release it.
Remind yourself how brave you are. Remind yourself you are taking your power back from the abuser. Ya it sucks that we have to do this. But we aren't cowards like our abusers.
I feel your pain. I know what it Feels like.
Sending gentle hugs.
It will get better.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

My usual release would be cutting, My urge to do so is strong, really strong.

I can't do that now. So I just have to suffer thru it. It's almost as painful as the abuse if not more.

 

[ladee]

Do you do any grounding or breathing ? I know it sounds so stupid to bring this up when you are hurting.
But it works.
What do you do to keep from cutting?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Do you do any grounding or breathing ? I know it sounds so stupid to bring this up when you are hurting....

All of the above, I have to use a lot of DBT skills to get by. It helps me manage the urges, it does not make them go away.

They know I have the urges, but its acting on them that would change things, my T has already called the Sheriff on me per safety before, and the authorities have been involved 3 times so far, including one transport by state police to ER. But all this was before I went to SP TDU.

I would not be in this level of therapy if it were not for going to SP TDU. So that's a positive change. Nevertheless, actually working on abuse in therapy is hard, hurts, and makes one need the release once used all the time to cope.

 

[Lee2001]

Well you are doing just the right things at this point it seems. To even be working on this hard stuff and having done what you needed to is a testament to how brave you are. I have heard so many here saying very similar remarks on how " is it normal to feel this bad in therapy etc". I have been there before too wondering the same thing. In my case we backed off and started working on other things like getting safe and out of abusive relationships first.... and then going to start again on more challenging work. Either way I would continue talking to T about how you are doing and feeling with blatant honesty. I truly hope it isn't too hard and yay for doing the hard work:)

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

as far as blatant honest, I am already doing that, went into therapy with that approach, but that was before SP TDU, being blatantly honest of where my head is at is the one thing that is keeping everyone from raising an eyebrow or get concerned for my safety because I am so up front about it all. They don't have to guess or err on the caution side. They know if I can't maintain safety thru all this, I will speak up.

 

[deeplyloved]

I wish I had some wise words to share but I don't. I want to say thank you for posting and sharing so fulsomely because I resonated almost word for word. And then I got to read these beautiful responses and try to hear them for myself too. I've been hard at work in therapy for 8 months. Talking about actual events seems to send me so far backwards. I was literally driving home today thinking about quitting...telling myself I'm just not strong enough to do this. I can't talk about it and feel all the feelings in the presence of my therapist. It hurts too much. I don't know how to keep doing it and also function in my life. Talking about it feels like I'm going to die and then I feel so stupid for being so melodramatic. Anyway, if it helps at all, you're not alone. Please hang on. I will too.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@deeplyloved Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, I don't know if I can get thru all of it, Every time I get one of those images of the past trauma I think of ending it all (my life), but for now they are contained as thoughts only without any intent behind them, I continue with things on the hopes that maybe someday it will lead to addressing the one thing that makes life not worth living for me. The EMDR can address many things, but it is the CBT component that can address that particular problem. So even without EMDR, CBT is a fallback so long as it is done in the fashion it would be with EMDR. If both fail then I would end up falling back on what is left which is a final end. At least that is where I was thinking a week ago. As of yesterday, If all else fails, getting a service dog may be the only way for me to continue in life. At least I have options not I did not have earlier, besides the final option I had which was FINALITY. So I am progressing.

 

[deeplyloved]

Thank you for sharing so openly about your process and emotional state. I feel suicidal after processing traumatic memories too. I spend time trying to come up with ways to do it without hurting my spouse and children. Of course, there are no ways for that to happen. I've come to understand these thoughts as extreme avoidance. I would rather think about dying than face and remain present with the pain of past betrayal and abuse. I'm scared of what will happen to me if I acknowledge and experience them. Today, I listened to the voicemail my therapist left me two weeks ago (my last mid-week meltdown). Hearing her voice comforted me and helped me remember some of my own coping skills. I hope you can seek out and receive some healing comfort today, as well. Take gentle care.