While none here can diagnose you, from what you’ve said think it’s pretty unlikely you have ptsd, it sounds like you’ve worked yourself into a state about an experience you regret and now are in the rabbit hole of needing an “explanation” that isn’t simply that you’ve worked yourself into a state. I wonder if some kind of diagnosis would in some way excuse what you did, or explain behaviour that feels out of character for you - or ultimately allow you to forgive yourself for making relationship mistakes?
I’m assuming you’re still pretty young, relationships are complex things, people aren’t easy and all of the girlfriend, friend, frat stuff is pretty much typical of someone starting out and trying to figure out how different types of relationship work - sometimes that goes well, sometimes not. I honestly don’t mean to be patronising here but I see a young person who has struggled a bit with relationships trying to figure out why. The reason isn’t because you’re disordered in some way, the reason is because you don’t have lots of relationship experience and early relationships tend to be a bit shit.
Your recollections and feelings about this are definitely coloured by the drugs you were doing at the time.
I wonder if part of you felt the symbolism of playing The Devine Femine while losing your virginity- all be it to someone you paid - would be a meaningful, profound experience. In reality most folks first experience of sex isn’t that great, because they don’t know what they’re doing, don’t know their own bodies to know what they like and can’t communicate well either. It doesn’t mean they go on to have dysfunctional sex forever, they learn what pleases themselves and their partner.
If you want to have gentle sex, be gentle. Follow her lead, stop worrying about what she’s thinking about how good or otherwise you are at sex.
If you want your mental health to improve, stop taking drugs. All off them. They won’t do you any good. Get out of your own head on this, talk to friends, go and spend time with people who love you, do things for fun.
If you do decide on therapy, I’d suggest CBT because it will help you a lot with your thinking style, which in this situation really seems to be driving how you are feeling. I strongly suspect though that you need a loving, supportive parent figure to talk this through with more than you need a therapist.
The reason people are a bit shirty with you here is because by questioning whether you might have ptsd you’re likening you choosing to have sex with a prostitute to their actual rape, sexual abuse, near death experience etc. I know you don’t intend to do that, and don’t think that’s what you’ve done, but it’s what folk are reacting to.
