Sexual Assault Pregnancy is triggering

[12birds]

Hi all.

Back again after about a year away. I did EMDR for a few months in 2024, but did not stick with it longterm (a mutual decision with my T). Somatic stuff remains a very tender area for me.

Anyway, I am 5 months pregnant. I was curious about other survivors' experiences with pregnancy or if anyone had thoughts to offer.

I am finding pregnancy triggering. Not so much with specific memories but how it makes my body feel, the vulnerability of being visibly pregnant, and the loss of my autonomy.

I am also struggling with comments about my body. They are well-intentioned so I accept graciously, but they make me want to scream. I have not gained much weight (maybe 10lbs so far) and this is the focus of the comments. I feel like a zoo animal. I am hesitant to leave the house without my husband. I just don't feel safe in public anymore and no longer have the sense that I can protect myself if something bad happens.

I have told my T many, many times that I want to escape my body. I am 100% aware of it 100% of the time. It's exhausting to be constantly online like this.

I'm so frustrated by the lack of research on survivors and pregnancy (or at least a lack of research that I have access to). The 10 year anniversary of my assault was this summer. I have done a lot of hard work in the last decade, but now most days it's like "wtf am I supposed to do with this?". I feel really disoriented.

I'm open to hearing experiences, advice, musings, anything.

 

[Movingforward10]

I've never been pregnant but going through peri menopause is challenging in that the predictability of my body has gone. Different sensations are challenging. All unnerving/triggering.

In the UK there is a project 'my body back' that does ante natal appointments for pregnant survivors of SA.

Otherwise, it seems an appalling lack of trauma informed medical care. I have raised that in a couple of medical appointments I've had regarding peri menopause. 25% of women have experienced SA, yet there is 0% information in women's medical health. Makes. No. Sense.

So, I'm not the demographic you're asking about. But just saying: I hear you.

 

[Friday]

With my last pregnancy -my now 20something son- I was miserable.

So rather than being the little blue bird of happiness outlining all my pregnancy woes? (I was super high risk; and noooooooo expectant mum needs more fears piled on top of their own, seriously). So I’ll just say… I was FAWKING miserable. Rather than outlining all the horrible “why” I was miserable, aside to say; Pregnancy & my body do NOT get on. So much so, that after my son was born, even though I was in my twenties & uber fertile, my CNM & I worked out a plan with Clovid & pregnancy safe antipsychotics to shoot for multiples (twins, trips, quads, quints; whatever so long as I was only pregnant for the bare freaking minimum), for any future births.

(I didn’t have any future births, as I realised after my son was born, that his father (my then-husband) shouldn’t be anyone’s father. Ever. He has at least 4 children I know of, but the one by one of his mistresses even he doesn’t know about, because she got smart fast & ran like hell. Our kid was his first, and it brought out his abusive streak even worse than being promoted at work. My ex is a coward. He only targets those weaker than himself; so every time he advanced he had a brand new victim pool, and felt even more justified abusing his earlier victim pools.)

Back on target!

C’est Moi? Miserable. My body does NOT like being pregnant.

The upsides?

1. My nurse-midwife taught gynaecological surgery at the (1 of the 3 best med schools in the US) so she was insanely qualified, and had the BEST sense of humor on the planet, followed closely by her nurse. OMFG. Seeing those 2 women weekly for 6 months, and almost daily for 3 mo? (High risk pregnancies have different timetables). Were the highlight of my day/week. Soooooo damn funny, earthy, honest, brilliant.

2. Unlike PPD, Antipartum Depression & Antepartum Psychois lifts -like a hallelujah chorus- from the SECOND you kid is born. In less than 4 hours? I was “myself” again. 12 hours later? I was my “best” self (for at least a few days).

Get good people around you. My best advice.

 

[arfie]

my case is extreme. my first pregnancy was a nightmare of triggers and flashbacks i was utterly unprepared for. i was single and working the music scene, so i lost my entire social circle for the crime of committing pregnancy. the nightmares were unrelenting. the baby was born two months early as a result. i was far better prepared for my second pregnancy, but parenting turned out to be far more triggering than pregnancy. having been raised in kiddie whorehouses, i was clueless what good parenting looked like up close and personal. i remained in therapy for my entire first parenting experience, but it was still a serious challenge.

i am currently in my second parenting career, raising the 3 young orphans of my departed son. i feel far better prepared for this time around. i have learned how to use my flashbacks as a warning system that i am headed up a slippery slope. my trigger management skills have grown to the extent that the children are mostly unaware of my struggles.

pregnancy is, indeed, triggering. steadying support while you work it through. welcome back.

 

[Rose White]

parenting turned out to be far more triggering than pregnancy.

Same for me. I thought that if I had good nutrition and used attachment parenting I could compensate for my lack of parenting skills. Turned out to be way more complicated and nuanced than that.

 

[Friday]

Turned out to be way more complicated and nuanced than that.

Parenting in a nutshell. OMFG. Truth.