Relationship Preparing For The Next Difficult Conversation

[feetfirst]

Tomorrow will be three weeks that S has been taking time away to figure out some big things. The last couple of days, he's started touching base, but says he's not quite ready to talk. When he's ready, I'm sure it'll be a difficult conversation, i.e. a conversation where he feels really fragile and scared because of being in a bind and needing to ask for my help. These conversations are the prime time he's likely to escalate and/or blow things way out of proportion. His shame is ever-present at these times, which is a big part of why he takes time away in the first place.

It will be the first time since I've begun to better understand what both he and I need from me to keep things from getting out of hand. I'm scared! I feel like I've learned so much, but putting it into practice is another matter. We'll be talking about his housing options as he continues to deal with having cancer. In other threads, I've spoken of my struggles over the last several months. I really want him to focus on long-term stability rather than continuing to postpone the issue. I need to remember it doesn't matter how I think he should live his life; it's his life, not mine. I need to be supportive and not tell him what to do, unless he asks. I need to remember his struggles are not my struggles. I don't have to fix him. I can't save him. I need to use active listening to ensure I'm understanding what he's actually trying to say.

I feel good about dealing with the possibility of him escalating, as I have had a chance to practice that area. I feel good about my boundaries; he's already acknowledged his awareness of my limits and not wanting to tread on them. My hope is that changes in my behavior, based on what I've been learning here, may help this conversation be much less difficult for both of us.

If anyone has other suggestions on ways to prepare for difficult conversations, I'm all ears.

 

[Beautifulmess]

It sounds like you have a really good game plan in place. Good for you for doing all of that hard work. I hope that it all goes smoothly and that you feel like you did what you were meant to do. Sending good thoughts and hugs your way.

 

[feetfirst]

@Beautifulmess Thanks for the support.

 

[norahh]

When I feel overwhelmed or nervous about a difficult conversation, I write them a letter that I never give to them. It helps me get out everything I'm feeling, so that I can sort through what I should actually share and what may not help or be constructive. Good luck, you'll do great. You sound genuinely concerned and loving, that may mean more than you realize.

 

[feetfirst]

@norahh Thanks. He's been across the country for the last three months, so we primarily communicate via Hangouts and occasionally email. We typically use email for heavy issues. As you said, I write lots of drafts and multiple notes that he'll never see. Even via Hangouts, I'll often cut what I was planning to say and paste it in a note if I think it's not the best way to respond.

The upcoming conversation, likely to begin today, is about him trying to plan out coming home and figuring out how and where to live with very limited resources. After posting about this weeks ago, I was able to set and communicate a boundary as to how I'm able to help him. I have known such peace since setting this boundary and plan to stick to it. What I'm most concerned about is separating supporting from fixing and being strong in not taking on his struggles as my struggles.

 

[norahh]

@norahh Thanks. He's been across the country for the last three months, so we pr...

@feetfirst wow that sounds very healthy. It sounds like you're very aware of what's appropriate and what's not. I agree with you about not confusing supporting with fixing - that's a tricky difference to discern. I know I have trouble with that sometimes. Maybe it'll help to become more aware of how you think about him and what he's going through, and label the thoughts you have. I'll do that where I'll meditate on it and pay attention to my thoughts, then say, "This one is good. Okay that one isn't healthy..." And so on.