Relationship Privacy Vs Secrecy

[Wastinglight]

Until then, have fun living in a world of denial.

Okay, wow. That's a bit harsh. I think I have tried to own my BS, actually.

Personally, I think that expecting me to 'get over' more than 20 years of maladaptive coping strategies and faulty thought patterns in the course of a few months is probably a bit unrealistic. And I can say that with some certainty, because I really have been trying. And I continue to try. Every. Goddamn. Day.

Did I make a bad decision in a moment of weakness and fear? Yes I did. Does that cancel out months of careful self-examination and lots of good decisions? No, I don't think it does. I am very thankful that my boyfriend is a very forgiving and understanding person - I wish he didn't have to put up with my crap, but I've also had to put with lots of his in the past. Relationships are give and take. I'm glad we've both decided that the relationship is worth working on, even though we BOTH have had rough patches.

 

[Wastinglight]

@Solara, look, I totally get where you're coming from. On many occasions you have warned me against behaving in a relationship-sabotaging manner. And I have taken your advice on, every time. I slipped up this time. I'm owning it.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am ready for a relationship yet. But I want to keep trying as long as my partner does, despite my many problems. So sue me.

 

[garden]

Okay, wow. That's a bit harsh. I think I have tried to own my BS, actually.

I've re-read your posts a few times, and it's pretty clear that you are owning your mistake, and simply trying to find a way to deal with the outcome of your own actions.

I apologised for what I’d done. I admitted he had a right to his privacy. We talked it through and he seemed happy that it was resolved.

You apologized for your behavior, he's okay, you're still struggling.

I think that maybe I have created the above situation through my actions.

I accept that I have done the wrong thing here, so it doesn’t really help me for anyone to reiterate that.

You did own your actions. You did create this with your actions. You are simply trying to sort through your own insecurities, while recognizing your own contribution to the situation. You're right, reiterating that your actions were wrong is in no way useful or helpful to you, nor is it even necessary as you've owned it already.

Do I have a right to feel weird about his behaviour around his PC?

Even though you found the profile through a search and not from snooping on his actual computer, his response of shutting his computer off in situations where he did not before might honestly be a his natural response to feeling violated...it might not seem rational, but when you have ptsd your thought processes are not always rational, especially in situations where you feel threatened. His actions were a response to yours, and it's clear that you realize this. It still hurts to think he may have lost trust in you, and that's totally understandable. You have a right to feeling weird about his behavior(you're human), but you must recognize, acknowledge, and own the fact that he does have a right to react the way that he has, despite how it makes you feel. You gotta work on it, and then let it go. I know that's easier said than done. I hope that you sort through this and get some clarity and comfort.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you so much for your comments @Lewa. I suspect your take on this is a pretty accurate assessment of what's going on, and I appreciate your advice on how I should move forward. And you are so right - I have to laugh when I catch myself feeling upset that he seems to have lost trust in me, because that's exactly how I made him feel when I brought up this topic (even though I was careful not to accuse him, he assumed that there was loss of trust on my part as well).

The most important thing is that he and I have discussed this in an adult manner and have both expressed our commitment to this relationship, and our intention to both continue to work on it. And I have to remind myself that he has made it clear to me that 'we' are okay, and he is sure that we will get through this. I feel that we have handled the situation with kindness and love, and we did not let things get out of hand. Yes, he is still shutting down his computer at night, and I am still sitting at the dining table instead of the couch. Things still feel a little awkward between us, and as @FridayJones commented, I am now feeling very uncomfortable because of what I've done, but I've made my bed, I must lie in it now. Hopefully it will settle down a bit in time. I am still glad I brought this issue up with him, I think it was an important conversation for us to have, to sort out exactly where each other's boundaries lie, and check that our values are the same on matters of privacy and fidelity.

And thank you to everyone who commented (and I do mean everyone) on this thread - I am very grateful for your input. You have helped me to process this in a calm, rational manner.

((((myptsd people))))

 

[WildMermaid]

I've been married for 16 years this May and my husband and I still maintain privacy of our electronic devices. If he's not in the room I put his computer to sleep, turn his phone over, etc.. We both had our privacy violated in great degrees in the past by family members so take care in making sure we never do that to each other. As an aside every one of us in this house are artists and all have sketchbooks, the rule is open to the first page to determine who it belongs to then close it and return it to the owner. We follow this rule our children follow it, and everyone feels secure that their thoughts, ideas, and/or rants are secure and theirs alone.

 

[garden]

@WildMermaid what a wonderful way to display, reinforce, and practice trust. That is beautiful, thanks for sharing this.

 

[ihateusernames]

He's either being childish or he has things to hide

This is my experience. My husband and I have had discussion after discussion and fight after fight about invading privacy and snooping, etc. as it related to both of us at any given time. But I'll tell you what, when we both stopped having things to hide the computers stayed on and passwords and phone locks started seeming like an unnecessary annoyance, and as far as I know neither of us ever bothers to snoop. I do not agree that your boyfriend's response was reasonable.

 

[ihateusernames]

Of course I will also agree with holdenmonty that there is a big difference between a boyfriend and a husband and that neither of you owe one another as much transparency as you might if you were married.

 

[anthony]

and as far as I know neither of us ever bothers to snoop

That's the same as Nicolette and I... our computers stay on, phones, so forth... neither one of us snoops into the others stuff, because there is nothing to hide. If we want to look, we can... which takes away the secrecy.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks for the additional comments, @WildMermaid, @anthony, @ihateusernames.

our computers stay on, phones, so forth... neither one of us snoops into the others stuff, because there is nothing to hide. If we want to look, we can... which takes away the secrecy.

This was the case with us too... until that last conversation we had, which was about 10 days ago now. Sometimes he shuts his computer down when he leaves the room, sometimes he doesn't. I know for myself, that my behaviour on a given day has everything to do with how anxious/fearful I am feeling at that exact moment, so perhaps he is the same. I haven't brought the issue up again (I don't really feel like there is anything to gain from making a deal of it), but I do feel upset (and even angry) when I see he has put his computer to sleep upon leaving the room. I can't help feeling this way, even though I know that I was the one who broke his trust and precipitated this behaviour. I'm finding it difficult to hide my feelings on the matter - I have managed to keep my mouth shut so far, but generally speaking, I'm not very good at keeping my emotions a secret.

I also feel sad, because I can see that our relationship has suffered a setback because of it. It's only been a week and a half, so I think it's fair that I give it more time before I start making a big deal about it. Having said that, it's clear to me that we need to talk through the issues surrounding this incident a bit more thoroughly at some point. At the moment I feel like I don't know where I stand with him. He said that 2 weeks ago he was thinking about asking me to move in with him. Now I don't know what he thinks. In any case, I don't think either of us are ready to move in together. Myself, I feel that there are still some important conversations that need to be had before I would even consider it.

Not least of all, his doctors are still messing with his meds, trying to find one that will work for him. That makes things doubly hard because his symptoms are flaring up a lot at the moment, which in turn are triggering my symptoms. So it's not really smooth sailing at the moment. I don't know how much of his behaviour is to do with me. When he's acting weird and I ask him what's up, he always says it's to do the change in meds. So maybe that's all it is. IDK.

 

[Larksong]

@Wastinglight First, let me tell you that I think you are really owning your own issues and trying to deal with them. That's brave and rare. I've seen that in post after post of yours, which all show how much you care for him and how honest you're trying to be with yourself as you work through things. I think you're a wonderful person, so don't beat up on yourself for not being perfect, because no one is. :)

Here is just my personal feeling about the issue of privacy, as someone who doesn't have ptsd but has always had a very strong need for personal privacy in every aspect of my life. I'm hoping it can give you some perspective. I would feel very uncomfortable with my significant other searching for my old dating profiles and other info about me online and questioning me about them. It would probably make me over-cautious with leaving my computer open too. It's not that I'd have anything to "hide," but just the feeling I'd have that I was being disrespected, watched, put under a microscope. It would make me feel almost paralyzed and very uncomfortable, afraid that everything I was doing and saying, no matter how innocuous, was being weighed and judged and counted against me. I don't work well or live well when I feel I'm being watched and judged. The quotes about privacy and "secrecy" you shared in your original post rang absolutely true for me. It's about feeling free, to relax and live within the space of my own thoughts, without worrying about someone--even someone I love--observing my every mental movement. I hope that makes some sense!

It's possible your guy is someone like me, who just craves a sense of privacy and freedom in his thoughts the way I do, or maybe it also has to do with his ptsd, only he can tell you that. It's hard for me to understand not having a strong sense of privacy, but I know that many people don't need it the way I do. While I respect the difference, I do insist on privacy from all my loved ones, and am adamant about giving them privacy in return. I don't enter my young daughter's room without knocking, or read her computer or diaries, and I've told her I won't unless I think she's in some true physical danger I need to know about. What @WildMermaid wrote above is absolutely beautiful and makes perfect sense to me.

He said he's happy to keep working on it, and has been very loving and affectionate.

That to me is the key for you going forward. What's done is done, and he's still with you. He obviously is happy. Focus on that.

If I were you, I'd let it lie for a few days, then find a quiet moment when he's not stressed to ask if you can talk about it with him. Then share with him what you have with us, how bad you feel, how you know you have trust issues that have influenced your behavior with him, how you're putting serious effort into working on them, and how appreciative you are that he's trying to understand. You've expressed your struggles very eloquently here: Share those thoughts with him, then put every effort you can into not allowing yourself to go to that place again, and definitely make that part of your own ongoing therapy work. Don't let your internal fears and past experiences create the very situation you fear. My experience has always been that when you give most people the gift of trust and let them know it, they want to live up to it. You're a beautiful person--try to also give yourself the gift of freedom from fear by allowing yourself to trust him. From all you've said, I know that might be hard, but you've earned the right to gift yourself with that kind of peace of mind.

Hugs and blessings!

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you so much @Larksong. Every post you write to me is a precious gift. I know that sounds corny, but I really mean that. Your comments on how you might feel if you were him sounded very similar to what he said to me when I brought it up that night. It gave me a lot of comfort, as I often struggle to see another's point of view on issues that make me fearful.

So thank you again. I would hate to think that I might let the crap in my head get so big and scary that I fail to see all the awesomeness that abounds in my relationship with him. I know he struggles with this stuff as well, but I can see that he tries every day, and for that reason, I do too.