Relationship Privacy Vs Secrecy

[Wastinglight]

Oh and some good news. I had my first session with the EMDR specialist last week. It was really positive and he said its likely that I will start to see some improvement in my anxiety with this type of therapy.

 

[Keepingthefaith5]

@Wastinglight

Hey! Hope you are doing alright! I know our stories are somewhat similar. Hope the situation has improved for you. Please do not feel bad, you are not at fault here. My vet now went to the extent of putting the fingerprint scan on his phone, he could be hiding something still or he's just getting back at me for invading his privacy. He said it's the second one. I, too, felt ashamed for snooping for a bit for many reasons. For doubting him, not having trust in him, in our relationship. Was I an insecure woman? It was a rough period as you know from my points. The should I let go or not, etc
Since then, I've reached out to a MFT and my pastor. I wanted to get a no bias third party perspective. The feedback I got was greatly appreciated. Both said the same things. 1. No, you are not insecure. You needed answers and he isn't providing you with any, therefore you acted the way you did. He's not makinging you feel secure in the relationship. 2. If you had to go to that extent to gather info, red flag. 3. Considering what you found out, his words are now not credible. Actions, actions, actions!!! Truth of the matter is, trust has been broken. BOTH of you have to work thru this together and just because you snooped, it's not all your fault. Yes, you can argue both sides of story"if you trusted me, then you won't have to snoop" or "if you have nothing to hide, why go thru that extent of been secretive"(notice I used secretive, not private) we are all entitled to privacy! Secrecy is murky waters.
What worked for me was to detach myself from the situation, focus on me and my health. Not saying to care less, but to put your needs first and foremost. Although, the storm has passed for now and we both said we are committed to the relationship, Sometimes i do still think why put the finger print scan on iPhone if indeed you have nothing to hide?!! Can I live like this? Always being on the edge of another episode?
I hope it has helped you! If you ever need to vent and talk, I'm here. Hugs!

 

[WildMermaid]

If you think your partner is cheating on you talk with that person about it. I may be missing something here -my apologies it is a very off day in my head-, but it seems like that is the undercurrent to the volatility of this discussion. Some people need privacy to be able to more fully be themselves. I'm one of them, and so is my fellow. When I write I vent sometimes, and those are not words to be shared with anyone else... they are my own personal flaws and issues or coping mechanisms. If you have other warning signs of misbehavior then I can see the focus on privacy vs. secrecy, if locking devices is the only one though then it may help to write out your worries and feelings and read them over in a day or so. We instinctively know if something is not right with our mates (even w/ PTSD in the picture) and sometimes just taking a step back and using our inborn sensing and intuition can give us the answers we seek.

 

[ihateusernames]

I'm here posting again because of @Keepingthefaith5 's post. My husband and I sucked at a lot of relationship things and we really didn't know what our roles were, where our boundaries should be, or how we should even discuss these things. When we got to the point where we had gone down just about every wrong path and really mucked everything up we did just what she did- talked to both out Pastor and a marital counselor (and then we spent 2 years in marriage counseling... slow learners, I guess) and both of them had much of the same things to say about this issue as what she posted. I feel like you're feelings about this might be similar to what my own would be- you don't know what you have the right to expect or demand of him or vice versa.

I'm all arguing against secrecy here, but I really am a very private person, much like WildMermaid said above- I can't feel free to be myself if I think somebody is going to come behind me looking at my stuff, and if my husband or anyone, for that matter, were to come see my posts here or even read some of the rambling nonsense emails between me and my sister I would feel mortified and violated. By that same token I know that my husband tells his best friend things that he would never discuss with me (and his best friend tells him things that he doesn't want shared with me) so I would never seek out communications between them and if I ever came across them or accidentally picked up the phone or something I would get rid of it fast. Protecting those things requires mutual trust and respect. But that's a whole world different than secretly maintaining dating profiles, flirting with coworkers, texting ex girlfriends, etc. Which is what I imagine to be the kinds of things you're concerned with. And those are the sort of reasons I believe there should be open access, at least in a marriage, but really in a committed relationship period, with enough respect to keep your noses out of private things. Not secret things. Private things.

It definitely is something that you guys should talk through. When you feel up to it :)

 

[Keepingthefaith5]

@ihateusernames

Beautifully written. I'm posting from my iPhone so sometimes I can't fully articulate my thought process. I'm glad counseling worked for your relationship! We were also told to take 2 weeks to 30 days off with no communication, we both couldn't agree to that lol. Lasted less than a day! Ironically, he has to go out of town for work in all of April. although we are only going to be in contact thru cell for a month, it will give time to have me work thru my issues-resentment, anger, fatigue. I'm doing the Daniel plan as well for clarity and guidance. Hope all is well!

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks for the input @Keepingthefaith5, @WildMermaid and @ihateusernames.

As far as the dating profile thing is concerned, that's been put to bed. I brought it up, I asked my questions, he answered them. His answers seemed credible. I believed him. I'm not concerned about that now. The thing that was bothering me was his apparent secrecy regarding his computer since that chat.

And now it seems like things aren't what I thought anyway. Yesterday, he announced that he was going to have a nap. I had been sitting on the couch in front of his computer, so I put his computer to sleep. But then I decided that I wanted to watch an episode of my favourite show, which he had downloaded for me. This was our exchange:

Me: Oh, before you go to sleep can you transfer my show onto my portable drive so I can watch it while you're asleep?
Him: Well, just jump on my computer and get it.
Me: I can't, I've shut it down.
Him: Why did you do that?
Me: Because you're having a nap! I thought I was doing you a favour!
Him: You don't have to do that! Can you please not shut it down again?
Me: But I thought that's what you wanted! I'm trying to respect your privacy!
Him: Okay, but if you want to do that, you can just half-close the screen. I'm only shutting it down at night sometimes now because I realised that I'm not getting regular updates on my computer if I leave it logged on all the time.

Oh. Okay. It would probably pay not to make assumptions! I have to admit, this isn't the first time that this has happened with us. Although I do suspect that he shut his computer down the first couple of nights as a knee-jerk reaction to feeling violated, and then happened to notice his computer wasn't crashing as often after the fact....

My husband and I sucked at a lot of relationship things and we really didn't know what our roles were, where our boundaries should be, or how we should even discuss these things.

Yeah, that just about sums us up too. A lot of the stress in our relationship so far has been caused by misundertandings and/or a reluctance on one or both of our parts to bring up issues, for fear of 'rocking the boat'. We both have done stupid things on the basis of assumptions.

I don't believe he's cheating on me. The problem is that, when I feel anxious, I can't bear the thought that uncertainty exists in our relationship. It makes me very scared when I start focusing on that fact. Because let's face it, there is no way you can ever be 100% sure that your partner is being completely honest with you, and there are no guarantees that they will never do anything to hurt you. That's just how it is. Look at what happened in this scenario. I never meant to hurt my guy when I brought the dating profile thing up. But he was hurt. I have to deal with the repercussions of that now.

We both still have heaps of work to do - on ourselves, and on the relationship. And things are a bit hard at the moment. Neither of us are sleeping well lately (him because his stepping down off meds, and me because he keeps me awake!), so that doesn't help. But I think we will be alright.

 

[Larksong]

@Wastinglight So happy to hear it wasn't completely what you thought! We can invent so many scenarios to explain others' motivations, and those so often aren't even true. I've recently realized that I've made some assumptions about my vet's motivations in saying and doing certain things with me that probably aren't correct either, just based in my own fears and past relationships. Think about it like this: Every day is a new opportunity to wash away past worries, be honest and humble with one another, and create something good. :)

 

[Wastinglight]

We can invent so many scenarios to explain others' motivations

Yep, I sure do, and I always think of the worst-case scenario first. I think this is what psychologists call 'projecting'. I call it 'awfulising'. And believe me, I could awfulise for my country...

 

[Friday]

'... And believe me, I could awfulise for my country...

You know... There's actually work in that field.

((Inspectors, think tanks, commissions & so forth. All in addition to the 24/7 disaster response stuff I've done legwork on, there are 9-5 office jobs with NGOs all over the world planning out worst case scenarios and trying to stockpile ahead of the next flood, famine, war. Looking at what worked well and badly with the last one.))

Just a thought. Said the candy store owner to the diabetic.

 

[Wastinglight]

There's actually work in that field.

Hmmmm... good point. Although my special skill relates to romantic disasters. Hey, maybe I should become a crime novelist, with a focus on crimes of the heart! At least that would give me a legitimate reason to allow my overactive imagination to run wild....