Relationship Probably The End...

[lovesm]

It's been a year and many times he has packed up to leave but he never really went through with it. I was always able to calm him down and he would end up staying and everything would go back to happiness and laughs. This time I fear it is really the end. Everything is packed, all the gifts I gave him are in a pile on the floor, he's checking for plane tickets to leave tonight back to his hometown.

The reason for this sudden shift? He feels that I'm lying about my past. He can't trust anyone and he thinks that there is something I'm not telling him. This of course is not the case but his mind has convinced him that it's the truth. I've tried talking to him but he has nothing to say to me. He just wants to leave our home and never speak to me again.

All of this comes after we just had the most amazing 4th of July weekend and discussed marriage and kids. I guess I'm asking what I can do to get him to stay, to calm him down and help him realize his ptsd is making a tiny situation even worse but I think it's pretty hopeless so I'm just venting instead. Thanks for listening.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I wish I knew. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope it gets easier.

 

[lovesm]

Thanks Bewitched. He ended up staying. This happens every time. We get close, he panics, he threatens to leave but then something always makes him stay. He still has all of his luggage in the car so I'm afraid I will come home from work tomorrow and he will be gone.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi lovesm,

This must be so scary for you, and I can hear the pain and fear in the tone of your post. I just wanted you to know you are being heard, and your feelings are real and valid! If nothing else, I hope my validation gives you some sense that you are only human and, as humans, we can only do so much. You're not perfect; you're doing the best you can given the situation, and I hope that gives you some sense of peace!

In the end, the choice is his, and you can't make him stay; you can only continue to encourage and reassure him of your support. I think it's great that you recognize his behavior is driven by the PTSD, which will help you to distance yourself and not take the episode personal.

I sincerely hope things change, and this episode passes quickly, but if not, know that you tried your best; you are only in control of your actions alone! Does your husband have a therapist? If so, now would be the time to reach out to him/her! All my crises are emotional, and when I can't calm myself, even with support, I turn to my therapist, and I can usually get through the next few days until our session. If not for him, reach out for you; professional guidance may be best at this point.

I hope things get better, and you are able to find peace with whatever happens! I'm thinking of you; keep us posted if you can/wish!

~Holly

 

[lovesm]

HollyBeans, thanks so much for the reply. It really hit home because you are right, I can only do so much and I know I cannot stop him from wanting to leave. My heart knows it is inevitable, one day he will leave and never look back.

He is not getting treatment and the trauma happened almost ten years ago. I have mentioned that he needs to talk to someone at the VA but he is convinced that a therapist who hasnt gone through what he went through would ever be able to help him. I wish I knew how to encourage him to seek help but I guess that's another thread in itself...

He's eerily quiet right now, not saying much but texting me facts about his hometown...the same city we were supposed to move to together. I'm lost and confused.

 

[lovesm]

He just brought in a few of his bags from the car and is now taking a shower. This is his first shower in almost 3 days. I feel so bad for him, I can see in his eyes that he is hurting and he can't even comprehend why. Sorry for going on and on but I have no one to talk to about this. No one understands, neither do we.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm so sorry lovesm. Stay strong and calm. You can't make sense of things like this, you just have to learn how to roll with it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you guys. :hug:

 

[KyGirl31]

So glad he decided to stay! Hope things get better! :)

 

[ButterflyBean]

First, and most importantly, you're welcome! I'm always here to listen if you need to vent and let your feelings out! I'm a pretty busy young woman, but if you need to chat, send me a message, and we can find a time that works or figure out an easier way to correspond. I may not understand your situation, but I know how you feel and will remind you that someone does care! I hear that is you're biggest need right now, and you don't have to apologize for wanting or needing ongoing support; we all do, or we wouldn't use this forum!

My heart knows it is inevitable, one day he will leave and never look back. I wish I knew how to encourage him to seek help but I guess that's another thread in itself... I'm lost and confused.

Let me go back to what I said before: you can only voice your concerns and encourage him to seek therapy; there isn't a "way" to make him go. Just like staying or leaving, talking to a therapist is his choice, and the process will only work when/if he wants the help. However, you may want to seek therapy for yourself; the loss of, or change in, your relationship isn't something you should deal with alone! I think your brain knows the inevitable, but your heart is wishing for a different outcome, and can't accept reality right now, because emotions are too raw and painful. Again, this is my initial thought, and I'm only suggesting professional help for yourself!

That being said, "connecting the dots" between your head and heart is an extremely difficult, lifelong process! I've been in therapy for 10 years, and I'm still working on it! It's completely normal for you to feel lost and confused! The direction of a significant relationship with someone you love deeply is unknown, and that's really scary and unsettling! If you didn't have negative feelings I'd be a little perplexed, but even so, take comfort in knowing and believing you have the power to change the situation for you and only you; knowledge is power in times of struggle!

I'm glad he decided to stay for now but know firsthand that any relationship is a bumpy ride! I truly hope you find inner peace! As I said, I'm always here to listen, and today is a new day! :)

~Holly

 

[ShayShay]

Lovesm I know where coming from. When my guy starts having emotional feelings he panics and will find anything to argue about. It's so hard to not take it personal and realize it's just him withdrawing.

Every time I think we're taking a step forward he freaks out. Hang in there!

Shay

 

[lovesm]

This storm was rolled past us and things are "back to normal". Apologies have been said and we're taking it one day at a time. I will find a way to encourage him to seek help as a feel that is the only way we will have a chance to make it. Thank you all for the support and kind words.