Sufferer Problem With Authority

[Aaron Biddle]

I just read this quote on this site while searching for information about the relentless anger I feel towards authority:

Over the years, I’ve seen many clients who came from such families: rebellion saved their lives because they rejected the values and rules that regulated their childhoods and came into treatment, looking for a better way. With some of these people, they unfortunately developed such a hatred of established authority that they had a very difficult time accepting it in any of its guises, even when informed by experience and genuine concern.

My personality is very deferential. I don't like to make waves. I go out of my way to make everything smooth. But underneath that I feel intense rage towards any authority figure or bully attitude. It's intense enough that if I feel if someone wants me to do something because they have the power to hurt me if I don't, I enter a state of mind where I am ready to die now. I especially hate police or government roles that attempt to control others. I am happy when I hear a policeman died. I'm normally very compliant but if pushed too hard I eventually snap and enter my "ready to die" mode. While in practice I go far out of my way to not impose on others, if someone, especially a cop, asks me to do anything and I sense they want me to obey or be punished, I will fight back every time. "So shoot me" is a common expression for me and I do mean it. All I feel is intense hatred.

I go so far out of my way for others that I feel I am owed preferential treatment for it. I live my life fully compliant to every rule, but if I'm treated like a "normal" person I am enraged. I want credit for being such a compliant pansy. I think every cop should bow down and apologize just for being near me because I try so hard to follow all the rules.

I can't hold a job because I tend to always feel I didn't do enough and I push myself until I resent the intense pressure. But no one seems to push me, people tell me I can relax or slow down, but I imagine that they are really thinking that I am not doing enough. I recognize that I am probably the crazy one. I can tell people mean it when they tell me they like my work, but I have such an underlying fear of disappointing others that it doesn't help.

 

[arfie]

That is quite a dichotomy. An intense desire to please people and an aversion to authority... I wonder if that could summarize my own tendency to offer help on the single condition that you let me take over your life and agree to do everything my way... In my own life, the authorities with badges and uniforms are not the most problematic. Self-appointed authorities give me far more grief. Especially when that self-appointée is me.

However you say IT, it remains a hot topic in the PTSD forums. For certain it is a conflict that I work to balance on a daily basis. I look forward to your contributions to the dialogue. Welcome aboard, Aaron.

 

[p-no]

Welcome to the forum, Aaron.

I can identify somewhat but can't put my finger on it... I hope the forum will be of help to you.

 

[eav]

Thanks for posting that quote--I hadn't seen it before. I wonder if aversion to authority could be part of the reason I have so much trouble with doctors of all types?

 

[HëllaBubz]

I hate to say that I am very much the same. My worst dilemma is that I am the daughter of an abusive, narcissistic, European cop.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Aaron,

Welcome to my PTSD forum.

Anger is a common symptoms of PTSD, but many times anger is not the emotion that is the source of the problem. Personally, when I am afraid, the fight kicks in and it comes out as anger. Could it be that situations that make you feel that you are not in control trigger that response?

I hope you find the information and support here helpful as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie