Problems in a healthy (non abusive) relationship, what to do?

[Muttly]

I'm feeling very awkward writing this. I'm 47. I've never been in a serious relationship. I've been in very few relationships at all. I'm one of those trauma survivors who went the avoidant route. And every once in a while, I'd sort of veer into a relationship, but they were never healthy (and some were out right abusive) and then I'd run as fast as I could and stay away from relationships. It's just weird to be "normal" and talking about relationship problems.

Anyway, my boyfriend and were friends for 2 years and then we started dating. We've been dating for a year. We are in a poly relationship, so if you aren't comfortable with that, now is your time to step out.

There have been times when it's felt one sided. And even now, I want to say that's not fair. Blah. He is a really good person and has definitely done caring and supportive things for me. He's good at helping out in big ways. He's good at helping if it's requested. But.... obviously, there's a butt. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post. Typically I'm the one contacting him. And sometimes (often?) when I ask him how he's doing, he doesn't ask me the same thing. He's had a lot of drama and change and I've excused a lot of it as that. (I mean, people get self-involved when they've got stuff going on). I've, just pushed any bad feelings about that away. I mean, part of why I feel comfortable with him is he's not clingy. And we don't have an exclusive relationship. And people are just different, maybe he just doesn't initiate things. And most of the time, if I tell him what's going on he's interested.

But our relationship has been getting more serious. He's even talked about me moving to California, (about 1,000 miles) with him in the future. We've talked about love and what would make our relationship more committed. So, we haven't talked much in the last month. He's been crazy busy and I knew that. But, it's not just that we haven't talked, when I've initiated his replies have gotten less and less. We'd talked about doing something for our 1 year anniversary. On that day, I sent him a message saying "happy 1 year" and sent him a cute gif. He sent a cute GIF back, but nothing else. Two days later, it was my birthday. A hugely triggery day, which I had told him about. He'd obviously forgotten which I can live with. (It wouldn't have been great, but people forget) I sent him a message asking what was up and he replied that he was busy moving for the next few days. No, asking about me. Now how are you? And I guess on that day, I needed some sign he was thinking about me. So I was hurt and did what I do when I'm hurt and withdrew. And I haven't heard from him since and it's almost been two weeks.

And writing all this I just feel stupid. I mean, if I want to talk to him I just need to pick up the phone, right? I figured out early on that he doesn't initiate contact much and doesn't always ask about me, so why am I all butt-hurt now? I chose this. Right? My therapist says no. That the relationship is evolving and I am figuring out what I want and need. And while this is not an abusive relationship (finally!!!), I realize I probably am repeating some patterns. I chose a relationship with someone who was going to have other relationships and priorities, just like my family always put their own stuff before my safety, security, etc. I'm letting things go that actually do matter to me, because after all, he's got stuff going on. I'm with someone who seems to be drawn to a certain level of life chaos.

But where does that leave me? A huge part of me wants to just flee. To say the relationship doesn't work. But... I know that's not the healthy part of me. What I need to do, is have a conversation with him. But I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to initiate a conversation at this point. They stereotypical male in me wants to say "what the F-, dude" but that's probably not the best approach. I don't know .... how relationships actually work. I know you can't change someone but then you can compromise right? Or...is my run away instinct the right one?

holy crap has this turned into a ridiculously long post. for anyone who read it all, here's some munchies to build your strength back up <cyber munchies for all>

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you ok with the poly relationship setup? Being one option and not THE one? Uprooting your whole life is serious....have you spent much (MUCH!) time in his presence? I mean weeks or months on end, not just a weekend here and a week there.

 

[Muttly]

Yes, I am ok with the poly relationship setup. Or, at least in the way we've discussed it to be, which is that we are committed to each other and love each other. I'm not THE one, but no one else really is either and I'm an important long term one.

As far as uprooting my life, I may not have been clear. He wanted me to. I don't particularly want to live in California. He wouldn't be able to move for six months anyway and I said that with all the changes that have been happening in both our lives, I couldn't give an answer. I've started a business. If that takes off, that would certainly effect my decisions. I don't want to live in California and would be pretty damn picky about where I'd be willing to live. As I said, he seems a bit chaos driven so I'm not sure the California thing is even real. By the time all his other commitments have been met and he can move, will that even still be the plan? And, I guess the part I didn't say to him, echoes your question. While we have spent a lot of time together, have we spent enough time together for me to uproot? I don't think so. Especially since I have the business, all the animals, own my home, live in a place I love. I'd be giving up a lot.

 

[Justmehere]

Long distance relationships are super hard, so I can see some value moving closer together... but not in order to solve chronic problems with someone who is already driven by chaos.

A relationship doesn't need to be abusive to be the wrong fit.

You get to decide if you are ok with not having things like birthday aand anniversaries remembered and valued or not. For me, I wouldn't be ok with it, not in an important long term relationship. It stinks! It's kind of pretty basic relationship skills to at least try to do something more than a gif. Ugh. I don't much like my birthday, it's not really about that, but it would make me wonder how much the other person really did value the relationship. People who really do value a relationship don't usually have to say they value it. They demonstrate it with their actions.

If you are not ok with how things are now, then it's time to tell him what you need and want in the relationship to make it work. Don't critique him for being lame, even though he is being really lame... but instead tell him how you feel and what you need. Try using "I" statements: "when you.... I feel..."

It's really ok, even good, to state you want more responsiveness from himself for him to value anniversaries, birthdays, and essentially value you more. Then he at least knows what you are thinking and feeling and need to make this work, and he can make a change or not.

And kudos to you for getting into a relationship. I'm fairly avoidant too, and I get thrown off by questions of when to walk away myself when the relationship isn't abusive, but also isn't working for me. I'm getting better at figuring outhings what I need and don't need, and that's really what dating is about. It's tough. I think you have some good instincts that this is problematic to treat someone this way.

 

[Deadman]

Do you know the other person in the poly relationship?

 

[Muttly]

ok, 1 thing I need to clarify. My BF wants to move to california. At least, that's his current plan. He wants me to move too, I guess. He and I live about 40 minutes. Sorry for being confusing.

@Justmehere Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate your feedback.

And as far forgetting my birthday, I guess, forgetting on the day doesn't seem like too big a deal to me (I have low expectations for my birthday). I will admit, it seems like some point between then and now he might have realized?

It's really ok, even good, to state you want more responsiveness from himself for him to value anniversaries, birthdays, and essentially value you more. Then he at least knows what you are thinking and feeling and need to make this work, and he can make a change or not.

I guess you about summed up what I'm feeling. The idea of actually saying that seems a bit terrifying. Blah, that's embarrassing to admit.

@Deadman Yes, I know the other long term person in the poly relationship. Why?

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible you accepted a poly relationship because of your traumatic past? I know I put up with a lot of stuff because I don't believe I deserve any better, "found" a guy who wants nothing serious which "fits" my disorder. But at the end of the day it downright sucks that my birthday means nothing, that I'm not a priority.

 

[Muttly]

It is possible that I accepted a poly relationship because of my past. I'm definitely considering that. I am not sure though. I guess I want to separate out poly, from nothing serious. I think you can have a poly relationship and have it be serious. I think you can have a poly relationship and have your birthday be remembered.

 

[Muttly]

I wrote him an email but I think I'm too cowardly to send it. I did email because I communicate best in writing and have troubles accessing words so realtime conversation can be hard. And maybe that's all just an excuse and I'm a complete wuss.

 

[Justmehere]

It's usually better to do this stuff face to face or phone, but if email is what you can do right now, go for it. It's a huge step in the right direction. It's much much better than communicating nothing at all.

You are not a wuss. Not one bit. This is hard stuff to do! Instead be proud that you are learning to communicate what you need and want the best you can. You deserve kudos for that. Some don't even try at all.

 

[Deadman]

Yes, I know the other long term person in the poly relationship. Why?

Because now I'll ask how you feel about that person :) You'll need to consider them in your relationship with your SO as well.

BTW I understand your need to write things out. It's so easy to say the wrong thing when you don't have time to think things through.

 

[Muttly]

Because now I'll ask how you feel about that person :) You'll need to consider them in your relationship with your SO as well..

Oh, well the three of us have spent time together on many occasions and that's always good. I like her. We've all talked, together, about how to work our relationship.

Sigh. Although I should add they have been having some troubles too. Basically, the same things I'm saying he doesn't do for me, he is saying she doesn't do for him. Hmmm

@Justmehere thank you. I think your words might just give me the strength to push send.