Problems in a healthy (non abusive) relationship, what to do?

[EveHarrington]

Is it fair to question why HE is poly? Is it so he can avoid certain aspects of a relationship? Is it because he can't truly commit? It could be none of these, and he could truly be poly, but I think it's only fair to understand why he's poly as the reason why could come back later to bite you in the ass.

 

[Muttly]

I sent him an email. I am so .... dissociated? something. I hate that I'm having a hard time with this. It's a relationship and people manage relationships all the time. And ok, people can have a hard time regarding relationships but this whole thing is triggering ptsd stuff in me and that feels dumb.

Is it fair to question why HE is poly? .

Yes, that's a fair question. And the questions that followed are fair. I'm not sure I have good answers. I'm feeling really confused now.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you're stronger than I am....I couldn't handle a poly relationship myself. Even though you're questioning things, you seem to be handling things fairly well.

 

[Friday]

I figured out early on that he doesn't initiate contact much and doesn't always ask about me, so why am I all butt-hurt now? I chose this. Right? My therapist says no. That the relationship is evolving and I am figuring out what I want and need.

I agree very much with your therapist.

That's one of the hallmarks of healthy relationships, by the by. They DO evolve. Not talking bait & switch / fundamentally changing a relationship's foundation on a dime & expecting it to go on as if nothing huge just altered; but people change over time, and healthy relationships evolve to keep pace. There's often a bit of friction (feeling butt hurt over something you used to be fine with is one example of that) when that happens as people do figure out their needs and wants in a changing space & try and align them with their partners needs & wants ... And that's also okay / normal / doesn't mean everything is wrong. In fact, it more usually points to things being right.

Abusive relationships tend to be very static things. They don't change, they don't adapt to changing circumstance, they don't take into account people's needs & wants in dofferent circumstance.

So it can be reeeeeally freaky when something changes in a healthy relationship. OMFG :eek: Because one is applying the static-rules of abuse, instead. Where no change or deviation is allowed. But in healthy relationships? It's not only allowed, but expected. Change is allowed. Rules & roles are not written in stone. People's needs & wants can not only change, but be discussed, and felt out/negotiated/solutions trialed... And are expected to be. :)

Evolving relationships? :tup:
Figuring out your needs and wants IN an evolving relationship? :tup: :tup:

Good things, Muttly.

 

[Muttly]

thank you @Friday That gives me some hope I guess.

I sent the email and he answered and it was a good answer, I guess. We talked. I think we made some good progress. He really wants to work on things. And yet, I still feel hurt. Is that normal? And I still feel like withdrawing.

And... our talk was still very one-sided. And I'm not putting that blame on him. I just let him talk about all the shit going on in his life, and didn't really interject any of my own. That's something I know I need to work on.

And.. part of why I don't always share stuff, is a lot of the drama going on in his life is now stuff, and since a fair amount of what's going on in in my life is dealing with ptsd stuff, I feel like it's less important?

 

[amymuse]

I am avoidant too, so I don't have much relationship experience to draw from. But I will tell you what I thought while reading the the conversation. It is said that men are generally more simple creatures than women. Maybe you were less on his mind after you told him you did not want to move to California, where he is focused on moving to. This caused cognitive dissonance in him (two conflicting thoughts/wishes), which is frustrating to experience. He still wants to be with you, but doesn't know how to make it happen right now. I think time will tell. Either you two will travel to meet up, eventually finding a way to live together, or you will give up trying - even though you still care about one another. He seems to still be looking for things in his future that you have already found. (You like where you are, have pets, have a bidding business.). I wonder if your ability to be more grounded and committed in your life is attractive to him. If he doesn't find that "security" in California, he will probably get more motivated to meet you halfway. I guess your situation makes me think about the quote: "If you love someone, se
t them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." Of course, that was said by a man...(writer Richard Bach). I believe that most women are wired to give up more to make a relationship work than men. (Lady Gaga is a recent example). You don't seem too willing to give up what you have going for you right now - which I admire. But stop trying to understand everything that happens as part of a bigger picture. You may end up in a committed (poly) relationship with him or not. It is a process. You understood this on some level when you contacted him and had a real conversation about what is going on at the moment. Time will tell if you want to prioritize your relationship with him, or open up to other people and possibilities.