Sexual Assault Processing Anger

[Nyx]

I have read different articles on anger - including ones on PTSD forum - and have come to understand it's way in our brains. Still, I think I'm missing a step and I need help with this.

I have trained myself to assess why I feel anger in different situations. Still, I can't seem to make it go away. In my opinion, this can only mean two things: either I haven't discovered the real roots to my anger response, or I don't know how to control it even if I know its reason for being.

The main reason I have for anger is that I was abused by my father as a child trough to my adolescence, culminating with rape. I am angry at him for that. And at myself because I feel I haven't responded to these situations as I should have.
Then, there are tiny reasons that come up every day. Most of them become so big because I don't sleep well and am tired all the time. Then there are ongoing situations that distress me - like workplace tensions, tense relationships with other people.

I have adressed them the best I could, by talking to people about what distresses me. Still, some of them remain ongoing. It seems to be that I have a delayed response - I feel nothing while I'm in the midst of things, but when I get home I explode. The problem is that even after exploding, the anger stays there. I wake up angry and things just add up during the day.

This is why I think I might be missing something, there's something I'm not doing right, because normally that anger would go away, or at least be less powerful. And this is why I am asking for help in processing things, as I am caught in a vicious circle of thoughts with no answer.

 

[Nicolette]

Nyx I can relate to some of what you write as, after years of nothing, something small happened and I was so angry and I thought I had visited the past and put it to rest many times over. I had been to therapists, written down my feelings, talked my head off, cried and really tried to get to the root of the problem to work out why I was angry. I thought I had resolved all my issues.

In the end I worked out I was hardest on myself and angry at myself for letting myself get into situations, not responding how I should have and "if only" was going through my head. I would be fine all day but when I got home I would bite the heads off the ones I loved.

Unfortunately for me depression had go the better of me and I had sunk to depths I thought I had filled in years ago while for once living a good life. I ended up getting help with the depression and then the anger slow dissipated for me.

What I found was that while I re-visited the past the anger was there but each time it got a little less and less. The other problem that I realised was that I was tired of being strong, the Nicolette who made it through everything and in the words of my mum " the tree bow which would always bend down but never snap and eventually fling back up".

I got to a point that I was angry at feeling like I was fighting an endless battle with no support. Try having Anthony for a husband who instead of handing out empathy gives you a swift kick up the butt thinking you are in military school. :rolleyes:

To cut a long winded and somewhat off track answer short.....I think you might now be looking in the wrong places for what is making you angry and it may be something simple and not deep and having to relate to the past all the time.

 

[Nyx]

In the end I worked out I was hardest on myself and angry at myself for letting myself get into situations, not responding how I should have and "if only" was going through my head. I would be fine all day but when I got home I would bite the heads off the ones I loved.

I can relate to that. I have high expectations of myself, but I don't exactly see that as a negative. I know I am borderlining maniacal behaviour with my need for perfection, but that is what keeps me going and pushing further in life. And that is why I don't see it as a problem. Please, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

What I found was that while I re-visited the past the anger was there but each time it got a little less and less. The other problem that I realised was that I was tired of being strong, the Nicolette who made it through everything and in the words of my mum " the tree bow which would always bend down but never snap and eventually fling back up".

For me it doesn't get less, that is what is concerning me. I would think that it would be less by now, but it isn't. That's why I feel the need to adress it.
Tired of being strong... Well, that's something I totally relate to. I have always been the strong one. People expect that from me and I do too. And yes, sometimes I do feel tired of being that. It makes me feel I have no right to fall apart.

I got to a point that I was angry at feeling like I was fighting an endless battle with no support. Try having Anthony for a husband who instead of handing out empathy gives you a swift kick up the butt thinking you are in military school. :rolleyes:

Feeling the same - endless battle and little support. But the part about the support is my choice, not anyone else's. It's hard for me to discuss the same things over and over again. So if I get to express something during therapy or in my diary - be it online or the physical one -, I don't feel the need to discuss it further. And that is why the two people in my support group are often lacking information - thus the weapons to help. But this is not such a big issue, as I am still getting help three ways right now. My biggest issue is that I can't see the end of it. And it frustrates the hell out of me.

To cut a long winded and somewhat off track answer short.....I think you might now be looking in the wrong places for what is making you angry and it may be something simple and not deep and having to relate to the past all the time.

I too figured I might be looking in the wrong places, the question is: what do I do about it?

 

[Crusoe]

Hmmmmm. I'm different with anger from a lot of people I guess. I was EXTREMELY angry about my past towards my abuser. So much so that I planned some terrible and terrifying things for him. Luckily I managed to stop myself from carrying them out or I would be in prison for life by now. Now I feel absolutely nothing towards him. My counsellor reckons that because my anger towards him was sooooooooooooooo extreme, the anger kind of "ran out of steam" quicker than it would have done if I was slightly less angry at him. The problem now being that I am now angry at myself for NOT being angry with him. He DESERVES me to be angry at him as far as I am concerned and it sometimes feels like if I'm not angry at him then what he did can't have been that bad - but it WAS. Very confusing.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Now I feel absolutely nothing towards him. My counsellor reckons that because my anger towards him was sooooooooooooooo extreme, the anger kind of "ran out of steam" quicker than it would have done if I was slightly less angry at him.

Obviously I can't get in your head.:confused: However I know from my dealings with "exes" I know that's NOT what he is. But hear me through and see if I can put my thoughts into words that make ANY sense. lol
When I (MANY years ago) had a "crush" or boyfriend (I had before my world changed) when I was still "emotionally" attached to them I was angry with them. Once I processed my bad feelings, I would become ambivelant towards them.
I realized they were not worth wasting my time or energy with. They were "nothing" to me. Not deserving of my attention or thoughts.(positive or negative!).

I think that is what your mind is doing. It's saying "he" is not worth being in your thoughts whether good or bad (like anger). I would not take it as you should be angry at him. I would take it that your brain is saying he is not worth any of your time or energy. Including your anger.

The problem now being that I am now angry at myself for NOT being angry with him. He DESERVES me to be angry at him as far as I am concerned and it sometimes feels like if I'm not angry at him then what he did can't have been that bad - but it WAS. Very confusing.

Once again I have to say I think giving him ANY of your time or energy is more than he deserves.
I wouldn't be angry at yourself for releasing your energy(anger) expended on him. You should be proud of yourself and the strength it took to bring you to this point! Just because you are not using your energy for anger towards him, CHANGES in NO WAY what he "deserves". We know what he deserves!! I would celebrate that you have come this far! Don't be mad get glad!!!! (Now I'm a commercial!) lol

 

[Crusoe]

You couldn't be more right WW. Thank you for making me see things in a totally different light. The only thing I would say is that if he DID know how angry I was with him then that would make him worry that the others would one day catch up with him and would make his life hell and make him regret his actions. That would be the only benefit to my (past) anger towards him.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I hope one day ALL of these "idiots"(can't say what I really want to call them all!) can be made to suffer. However in most cases it unfortunately seems as though justice will not be here on earth. They will likely have to wait until they get a dose of "everlasting Hell!!!" I have tried to be accepting of that and make peace with it.

I may be making progress but I certainly am not yet there myself!!!!:(

 

[cherryblossom]

I like to think, 'what goes around comes around'. At some point all those people that have hurt us, will get their comeuppance.

 

[anthony]

There are several parts to anger resolution, being identification, questioning, solution, then action.

You identify at the core emotion, being... lets start with "I am angry at him for that".

Break that down into what you feel, ie.

• I feel helpless because ......
• I feel shame because ....
• etc etc...

This is feeling identification. From one trauma, you may have 5 or 50 lines with what you feel. You may only have a few at first, but as you get into the questioning part, you may find more core emotions, so you would add them.

Questioning....

• I feel shame because ..... : Questions to ask myself:
  • What specifically do I feel shameful for?
  • Who is to blame for this abuse, me or him?
  • Did I do anything to warrant this abuse? Please explain.
  • etc etc

You can see the point in the questioning, and as you see, you have to really question each specific emotion.

Then you go looking at solutions to the answers you provide to your questions.

Solutions could be an actual solution, or merely you must learn to accept something as factual, or even only time.

Action: Action consists of positive reinforcement to change your thoughts, to reaffirm fact vs. fiction, or fact vs. your skewed thoughts based on the reality you lived through vs. normal and society normal behaviours. You may have to push yourself with a specific task to counter what you know. Everything must be actioned though, even if its time, which some things can only dissipate over time, then you must accept that this specific emotion is going to take time and life experience before it changes. Not many apply to time though.

 

[Nyx]

Thanks, Anthony. I'll try to break it down to as many pieces I can discover. And if you don't mind, I'll post my answers here for "double-checking". I think this is the part where I get stuck, actually. I think I'm not answering correctly, or maybe truthfully. I don't know how to explain it... I think that maybe I'm not pushing the answers out hard enough, something like that. I know the answers have to come from me and no one else, but I think that an eye from the exterior could see if my answers don't... "fit". Hope I make sense...

 

[anthony]

Honestly... this is where you need directness, with answering the questions, and often when someone like me will really upset you because I will force you to challenge yourself and spill the truth through anger. A therapist will achieve the same when they push you.... depending on how good they are towards not taking your shit, but instead doing their job and pushing you.

 

[Nyx]

So I'm taking that as a "yes"? I don't want you to feel forced into anything.

I'll try to get to these answers next time I feel angry - usually happens more often during work days -, because today I was feeling really relaxed and I didn't want to ruin my mood :oops: