Sexual Assault Processing Anger

[Nyx]

The main reason I have for anger is that I was abused by my father as a child trough to my adolescence, culminating with rape. I am angry at him for that.

I feel helpless because I'm unable to respond correctly when I'm treated unfairly. I run away from argument. I freeze when I feel threatened. I get blocked and cry when someone raises the tone with me. I try to come between people fighting, even if it's not my business, just because I can't stand arguments.. I feel like a failure when I can't moderate an argument.
Why do I do these things? Because I have learned in time that it's best to not fight, to just let it be - it ends quicker if you don't fight it. I learned that I was just making things worse by trying to defend myself.
Why do I feel helpless? Because I can't control my reactions.
For the helplessness I blame myself. For "teaching" me this behaviour I blame him.

I feel scared when older men look at me - and disgusted - because I think he is going to attack me. I have this awful impression I can't shake that all men over... let's say 40, only think of me in a sexual way. Yuck! I could be their daughter...
Why do I feel this way? Both my perpetrators were over 40. I have been sexually assaulted by several older men on the street. They have all confirmed my thoughts. Have I done something to provocke that? No. I dress decently, I behave decently. I can't find myself guilty for walking down the street. I can't find myself guilty for being born a girl - although I have often wished it weren't so. I can't find myself guilty for existing, God damn it!
What can I do about it though? Dress in large bags that conceil my body? Stop wearing make-up? Actually, the last one I tried, but it didn't work. It just got me unwanted attention from people who know me.

I feel unworthy of being appreciated and feel really bad when people pay me compliments. I don't see anything spectacular or attention worthy in what I do. I just live and do my job. And I feel bad when the attention shifts to me because I don't like other people's attention and I fear I'm doing things to attract it.
Why do I feel this way? Because I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary.
Solutions? I have started by celebrating small victories. But this doesn't solve my problem with the outside world, it just makes me accept myself a little.

I feel ashamed for having breasts and curves. I feel bad if my cleevege goes a little deeper than I would expect it to. I feel unworthy to be a woman. This has two roots.
One, the fear of drawing attention and being attacked.
Second, the fact that "I wasn't meant to be a girl". When I was born, my father didn't even come to visit. He always made it clear that he didn't want a girl. As if it was my choice to be born like this and not his damn "fertilizer" that did the trick.. In time, he would find all sorts of stuff to throw in my face: that I was growing nails, that I was wearing makeup. And finally, it came down to the truth: he was sure I would end up being a wh*re. I never did anything to give him reason to believe that. He just knew it. And that God forsaken day, I confirmed it, I just told him what he wanted to hear.
I think that I hate most of all the fact that I want to look good, but I feel that if I do that I'm just making trouble for myself.

I feel sad because I have recently understood that this was his way of "teaching" me lessons - excess. And I feel frustrated because this explanation is not enough and I feel that there is nothing on the face of this earth that can explain what he did.

I feel frustrated because I don't believe that his actions following the rape were due to remorse and I can't find an explanation - not for what he did and not for what I feel.

This is as far as I can go right now. My head is hurting and I can't think straight. I have jotted down some other stuff, but I can't put them in clear sentences right now. I'll try later. Or maybe tomorrow.
Damn it, damn it, damn it!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[anthony]

• I feel helpless because I'm unable to respond correctly when I'm treated unfairly.
• I run away from argument.
• I freeze when I feel threatened.
• I get blocked and cry when someone raises the tone with me.
• I try to come between people fighting, even if it's not my business, just because I can't stand arguments.
• I feel like a failure when I can't moderate an argument.

You need to first stop, go backwards here, and change your original post above, as you got completely off-track. You started mentioning feelings, then you run in what you think... not feel.

Look at the above as an example, you started the first paragraph with a feeling and ended with a feeling, then you filled it with thoughts. Thoughts are irrelevant in this... keep to a point form and start every point with "I feel..." or "I felt..."

This is immediately where you're going wrong...

Look at your above post, then rewrite it belong as I discussed here in regards to what you feel.

Then you break down each specific feeling... If it is to much to do all at once, start simple.. begin to create a list of what you feel, ie:

• I feel scared when men over 40 look at me as my abuser was over 40.

Its a process.... just trust me.

Its about teaching you how to identify your emotional state correctly, then pull things apart... which is why I am going to guide you to get it right vs. me doing the work for you and rewriting it based on my assessment.

 

[Nyx]

I feel helpless because I'm unable to respond correctly when I'm treated unfairly.
I feel vulnerable when people are agressive (verbally or physically)
I feel useless when I can't moderate fights.
I feel scared when men over 40 look at me because my abusers were over 40.
I feel unworthy of being appreciated because I don't do anything spectacular.
I feel bad and sometimes frustrated when I receive compliments because I think I have done something to draw attention to myself.
I feel ashamed for having breasts and curves because it can put me in the position to be a victim again.
I feel frustrated by the fact that I'm a woman, because I didn't chose to be born one and I just think that being one puts me in a vulnerable position.
I feel sad for not being loved by my father primarily because I was born on the feminine side.
I feel humiliated because he raped me.
I feel sad because I have recently understood that this was his way of "teaching" me lessons - excess.
I feel frustrated because I can't accept the above explanation.
I feel frustrated because I don't believe that his actions following the rape were due to remorse.
I feel helpless because I can't enjoy a normal sex life.
I feel guilty for not having a sex drive.
I feel guilty for rejecting my partner.
I feel frustrated by the pleasure I feel during sex and dirty after.
I feel guilty for saying "yes" when my abuser asked me if I was a wh*re, because it gave him an excuse to treat me like one.
I feel guilty for not fighting when he abused me.
I feel frustrated by the thought that I deserved it.
I feel frustrated because I wish he would have died that day but I didn't let him.
I feel lonely because I don't have a real family.
I feel different because I don't have a home.
I feel sad and helpless because I think my future family will go wrong.
I feel frustrated by the fact that I can't make peace between my logical thoughts and my feelings.
I feel frustrated by the fact that I have lived to prove him wrong and still I have done the opposite.
I feel disgusted by drunk people.
I feel sad because I want to believe in beauty but I don't.
I feel guilty for not turning him over to the police.
I feel scared by the perspective of telling my mother and brother the truth.

 

[cherryblossom]

Nyx, I just want to say well done to you for getting all those feelings out. I know how hard it is. You should be proud of yourself :hug:

I won't comment any further, because I'll leave that to Anthony, to comment ;)

 

[anthony]

This is an excellent, excellent beginning Nyx... really well done.

Now... before we get ahead of ourselves, I want you to look at a couple I have highlighted in bold blue, and need you to tell me more about these specific points as to what you believe you can do about them as a starting point / more now this is about your thoughts on these feelings. You need to keep them as individual as possible to each point, ie. list the point form feeling, then express your thoughts, then repeat.

Your identification is excellent... and that is exactly how you need to identify all future emotional states when you can't pinpoint the issue... the idea of this is to teach you and others how to do it, then you do it by yourself and bounce possible aspects of others for broad range feedback, then if nothing clicks for you, you bounce back again for more feedback, maybe approached differently... to get a different form of feedback. The variation usually comes in being more and more honest as you go, as the feedback greatly differs impact wise from when you leave pieces out vs. when you just spill it all... as you would have seen in my responses to Jadebear from when she started something, to when she finally released the full truth, which dramatically changed the responses.

• I feel helpless because I'm unable to respond correctly when I'm treated unfairly.
• I feel vulnerable when people are agressive (verbally or physically)
• I feel useless when I can't moderate fights.
• I feel scared when men over 40 look at me because my abusers were over 40.
• I feel unworthy of being appreciated because I don't do anything spectacular.
• I feel bad and sometimes frustrated when I receive compliments because I think I have done something to draw attention to myself.
• I feel ashamed for having breasts and curves because it can put me in the position to be a victim again.
• I feel frustrated by the fact that I'm a woman, because I didn't chose to be born one and I just think that being one puts me in a vulnerable position.
• I feel sad for not being loved by my father primarily because I was born on the feminine side.
• I feel humiliated because he raped me.
• I feel frustrated because I don't believe that his actions following the rape were due to remorse.
• I feel helpless because I can't enjoy a normal sex life.
• I feel guilty for not having a sex drive.
• I feel guilty for rejecting my partner.
• I feel frustrated by the pleasure I feel during sex and dirty after.
• I feel guilty for saying "yes" when my abuser asked me if I was a wh*re, because it gave him an excuse to treat me like one.
• I feel guilty for not fighting when he abused me.
• I feel frustrated by the thought that I deserved it.
• I feel frustrated because I wish he would have died that day but I didn't let him.
• I feel lonely because I don't have a real family.
• I feel different because I don't have a home.
• I feel sad and helpless because I think my future family will go wrong.
• I feel frustrated by the fact that I can't make peace between my logical thoughts and my feelings.
• I feel frustrated by the fact that I have lived to prove him wrong and still I have done the opposite.
• I feel disgusted by drunk people.
• I feel sad because I want to believe in beauty but I don't.
• I feel guilty for not turning him over to the police.
• I feel scared by the perspective of telling my mother and brother the truth.

I want to make a specific note of the below two points which I removed from the rest, because this is important:

• I feel sad because I have recently understood that this was his way of "teaching" me lessons - excess.
• I feel frustrated because I can't accept the above explanation.

Who exactly told you that him raping you was his way of teaching you a lesson? Please don't tell me it was a therapist!

 

[jadebear]

Thanks for being so open and honest Nyx. It really helps me because I identify so much with what you feel. I have just been too afraid to admit it.

 

[Nyx]

Thanks for the reinforcement, guys, helps me stay on the right track... Jade, it's never too late to admit it. The real issue is what you do with it after.

Anthony, I'll start with the answer to you last question and then go to analyzing the highlighted parts. It wasn't a therapist to tell me that he was teaching me a lesson, it was an answer I came up with myself - it wasn't even suggested. A few days ago I rememebered an episode from when I was about 14. We had a cabinet where we kept small bottles of liquers he had brought from different places. I was really curious about them, because they were small and really colorful, so I opened up two or three to have a taste. When he found out I had opened them he first beat the crap out of me and then opened them all - there were about 20 - and made me drink all of it. That made me really sick - mixed wine with vodka and sweet liquer. He then sent me outside "to play" so that every kid could see I'm drunk. That was his way of teaching me not to drink. And you know what the funny part is? I can't stand alcohool. I find a defect to every type. The only thing I can drink is beer - but even that rarely.
Beside that, he would always excuse the fact that he used to beat me sensless even for the smallest mistakes by saying that this will keep me from making bigger mistakes.
And another important point is that he told me that day, after finishing: "Maybe next time you think about having sex with someone you'll think twice".

 

[Nicolette]

: "Maybe next time you think about having sex with someone you'll think twice".

Hmmmmm....excuse me...being raped is NOT thinking about having sex with someone - it is them trying to control and hurt you. :mad:

I am so sorry to read that that only reason you came up with being raped was that he was teaching you a lesson.... I can think of many and the first is that he was a moron and it had nothing to do with you and only his twisted disgusting mind and lack of self control. :mad:

Nyx, we care for you...please don't ever think this again. It brought tears to my eyes reading what you wrote.

 

[Nyx]

•I feel frustrated by the fact that I'm a woman, because I didn't chose to be born one and I just think
that being one puts me in a vulnerable position.

I think there are two components I need to think about here: first the frustration about being a woman,
and second the vulnerability aspect.

My frustration about being a woman starts a long time ago, I know its roots, but I haven't found solutions
to it. It starts from the fact that my father didn't want me to be a girl and he made that clear
throughout my life. He said girls were stupid and bound to become wh*res. And that's what he saw in me
every time he would look at me. Then, during high school, I had developed a rather large chest and the
boys seemed to be obssesed with that. I hated being reduced to two lumps of meat. I did some stupid things
after, I don't know if they're relevant or not. The fact is that during my first year of college I
understood how much appearance counts and I started dressing accordingly. Still, deep down that frustrates
me because I don't feel comfortable when I'm dressed feminine. It's just something I imposed on myself
because I'm not so stupid as to not know that I can ruin my chances at better things just by not making a
good first impression. The problem with first impressions is that you have to maintain them if you're to
keep people trusting you..
I don't really know what to do about this in particular, because it's the way I feel about myself when I
have a business attire that bothers me. How do I change the way I feel about myself?

The vulnerability aspect comes from the idea that we are the weaker sex. We are regarded as it and we
start acting accordingly. Second, I really have no physical strength. I think a five year old could tackle
me if he wanted to. Combine the two, and you get my thoughts and fears that men will see me as a pray and
attack me.
I've tried to study martial arts, but guess what. I found the most misoginistic instructor ever: he told
me from the start that girls shouldn't be studying martial arts and when I insisted I wanted to do it, he
gave me a really hard time until I quit. And it was easy too, because my left hand is a little distorted
and I can't use it fully - especially for pushups - and he used that against me. Now, logically I know
that he was just messed up and it's not a rule that they will all be like this, but deep down I feel I'm
just not up to it, I will mess up. I've looked for self defence classes for women but, believe it or not,
I couldn't find any.
The only thing I see as viable here is that I carry around pepper spray.

•I feel sad for not being loved by my father primarily because I was born on the feminine side.

I feel sad for not being loved by my father because it should have come with the package. For me, being a
parent should imply that you love your kid unconditionally. The fact that he didn't makes me feel that
there is no hope and there is no guarantee. I think the sadness is actually projected to the future and
not the past. The actual lack of love doesn't hurt me as much - I got used to it -, it just takes away my
hope of me having a happy family, it takes away my utopia.
Here, again, it comes down to my two voices. There's the logical voice that tells me not everybody is bad,
not everybody needs to beat up their kids. But the "hunch" doesn't go away with logic. Unfortunately, the
only solution I can see here is to live and see. I can't verify in any way that my future husband will not
take up drinking 10 years after we get married. I can't verify that he won't become violent at one point.
I can't get guarantees from anywhere.

•I feel humiliated because he raped me.

I don't really know what thoughts I could share on this particular one. He was my father. He was supposed
to love and protect me. In stead, he chose to rape me so that I would stop having sex. The act of rape is
humiliating in itself. You lose yourself, your dignity, your pride. You're vulnerable and weak. But the
act of rape performed by a father? How the f*ck does that sound? I just can't understand how one can
attach sexuality to a relative...
What can I do about it? I guess work with the trauma, make the feelings lose their intensity. I don't
think it will ever go away, I just hope it won't ever be this bad.

•I feel frustrated because I don't believe that his actions following the rape were due to remorse.

I think first of all I should say what his actions were, right? Well, he first brought me a dumbbell and
asked me to hit him over the head with it, to kill him. I refused. He then locked himself in the bathroom
for a while. He came out with a cut on his belly, telling me where the title deeds were - but I only think
that he was trying to show me he intended to commit suicide. He locked himself in the bathroom again and I
left the house. I wanted him dead. I wanted to stay outside for as long as possible, so it would be too
late when we find him. Again, I couldn't. I went back after about ten minutes, I asked someone to break
down the door, called an ambulance and took him to the hospital - he had tried to hang himself, but the
hanger he used was too close to the ground and it didn't work as he expected. He had lost conscoius,
though. When we got to the hospital he woke up and started crying. I now tend to think that he was crying
because he was feeling sorry for himself.

Well, this is a complicated one for me. I have two explanations, but I don't consider them enough.

One is that I have always considered him a man with no conscience. He never appologized for anything, he
always maintained his ideas of being right even when he was proved to be wrong. That in my opinion means
no conscience. And no conscience automatically means no remorse.

Second is that after a few months this happened - I had left home - an aunt of mine called to ask how he
is doing. And he started complaining that we all left him, that he's alone, etc. He was the victim in his
own eyes. Can you be a victim and agressor at the same time? I don't think so. Remorse? No. Just sorry for
himself.

Why do I feel the need to find an explanation for his actions? I don't really know. Maybe to help me
define better my feelings towards him? Maybe trying to find a way to forgive? I truly don't know, I just
feel the need to understand.

There are another three points I need to go over, but I need a little break because it a really difficul part for me.

 

[Nyx]

•I feel guilty for saying "yes" when my abuser asked me if I was a wh*re, because it gave him an excuse to
treat me like one.

A little bit of history. As I said before, he was convinced since I was a little kid that I would end up
being a wh*re just because I was a girl. Throughout my adolescence, he would take any sign of me growing
into a woman as a sign I was becoming what he expected.
A few days before the abuse he found my diary. I was almost 20 at the time and had started my sex life at
19. I had had sex with two boys - one was a boyfriend I had for about a year and one was just a guy who
layed down with any girl he could fool (including me). I had written about this in my diary and also about
the first rape - that it had happened, without details, but it was there. He seemed obsessed by the fact
that I had started my sex life. He underlined parts of it, he asked me questions for two days. Not once
did he ask me about the rape, though. This is how he came to ask me - a bit retorically - if I was a
wh*re.
I said "yes" because I just wanted the questions and the obsession to stop. I had learned in the past that
if I tried to fight back and give arguments to what he said it just made him mad and made things worse for
me. I didn't expect him to have a plan or for this question to be an opening for what he had in mind.
He then told me he would pay for my college if I had sex with him. I said no, but that didn't do me any
good.

I can't stop feeling guilty for answering yes. I just think that it reinforced his thoughts and later his
actions. What if I had said no and tried to explain that having sex does not make me a wh*re? He would
have gotten angry? So what? Maybe by getting angry he would have forgotten his other intentions, beat the
crap out of me, but there's a slight chance he wouldn't have gone through with rape. Is there?

What can I do about it? Well, my logical voice keeps telling me that I need to accept that he would have
done it anyway, even without that yes. But I don't know how to do that.

•I feel guilty for not fighting when he abused me.

I said "no". Many times. But that's it. I didn't fight back, I didn't even resist it properly. I just lay
there and wait for it to be over. I didn't fight the first time either. I think I dissociated both times,
as I realize I'm missing pieces of information, but it's different. The first time I just flew out of my
body and saw miself lying there, while the second time I flew out but I didn't go anywhere. Or at least, I
don't remember where I went. But this is not an excuse. While I wasn't dissociating I still didn't do
anything to stop it. I keep telling myself that it was taught behaviour: the harder you fight, the longer
it takes and the more pain. But it's not enough. The blame doesn't go away just because I understand my
way of responding to situations.

What can I do about it? Learn from it and move on - this is my logical voice again. But what do I do about
it while I'm feeling like crap? God knows.

•I feel frustrated by the thought that I deserved it.

I feel I deserved it because I took no action. Either to prevent it or to stop it.

I felt something was wrong from the first day he found my diary and started asking me questions. The next day he sat on the bed beside me and asked me if I was scared he would do something to me. I told him no although I was scared. Why? You are my father. I should have left the house that very night. I talked to my brother the second day, asked him to let me move in, but he told me he'd have to talk to the owner of the apartment before I did that. I didn't insist. I didn't tell him why I was so scared to stay in that house. A neighbour of mine who knew he was a drunk and feared for my safety told me to come live with them until I leave for college. I didn't. I knew something was wrong but I didn't do my best to prevent it.

And then, there's the two things I detailed above: saying yes, which gave him an excuse, and not fighting back, which lead to him not stopping.

What can I do about it? I don't know... wait to die for the blame and shame to go away? I'm caught in this f*cked up circle of logic and feeling fighting eachother, but hurting me in the process...

 

[cherryblossom]

Nyx,
Well done for all the writing. You write really well. I can see how much thought you are putting into this.

What can I do about it? I don't know... wait to die for the blame and shame to go away? I'm caught in this f*cked up circle of logic and feeling fighting eachother, but hurting me in the process...

I think I'm caught in a similar cycle. The logic fighting over how I actually feel. Just to remind you, this is what you wrote to me, about my situation

In my opinion, it's not an informed decision that we do, it's more like the survival instinct dictating us what to do to get out of it in one piece.

I don't know how we get ourselves to believe the logic....
We know the logic, we all know what we tell each other; it's not your fault; you did what you had to, to survive; don't be so hard on yourself; give yourself some credit etc, etc. I'm not knocking any of that logic, or the advice we give to each other, I just don't 'get' why we can't take that logic on board for ourselves, why we still carry the guilt, shame, self-blame etc. Sorry for my ramblings, I'm not very good with words today.... I can say logically, that it wasn't my fault, just as what happened to you, wasn't your fault...... then there is always this big BUT, that puts the blame back on ourselves. I don't know how we change that?

Anyway, big :hug: to you. I hope you are remembering to look after yourself as best you can through this process. Don't under-estimate the possible fall-out. Take good care :hug:

 

[Crusoe]

OK Nyx I totally get where you are coming from with feeling like you didn't do enough to stop it, didn't fight back enough etc etc. I'm NOT in any way saying I agree with those statements but I get how the feelings of shame and guilt feel. I don't want to turn this into a "me me me" thing but I think maybe sharing a little about what happened to me may help you see some hope rather than feeling like the guilt and shame will be with you until you die.

I was made to do quite a lot of the work when I was being raped. He made me get on top and do "everything". My other choice? To be strangled. I also did as I asked because I just wanted it to all be over with. Despite the fact that I was just doing what I had to to stay alive I felt an incredible and overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame. I hated myself for a very very long time for not having refused regardless of what the alternatives were. In my mind I should have chosen death. HOWEVER, things are now VERY different. I have managed to get to a point where I believe that I had no other viable option. I now know that I should never have even been put in the situation where I had to make that decision. I feel no guilt or shame about it although it isn't obviously something that I'm over joyed at. There is only ONE person who is to blame for everything that happened that night and that is Paul's fault. (Yikes that is the first time I've ever used his name on a public forum and it feeeeeeeeeeeels good).

It is hard to put my finger on exactly how I have come to lose those feelings of guilt and shame and self-hatred but I have. I guess I would put it down to counselling and talking about it over and over again until it now has no hold over me and I guess that hearing counsellors tell me over and over again how I was not to blame for what I was made to do has also helped big time. I just wanted you to know that it is possible to work through these things and start to believe that you had NO part to play in what happened to you. In time you (and others who feel the same) will hopefully work through these issues and slowly start to believe that the blame and guilt lies at the abuser's feet, NOT yours. With hard work you will achieve that WAY before your time is up on this earth.

Sending you massive safe hugs because I do remember how very painful those feelings are sweetie. If you want to talk either on here or privately you know where I am.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: