Sexual Assault Processing Anger

[anthony]

it was an answer I came up with myself - it wasn't even suggested.

Well... I wouldn't endorse your own thinking to be quite honest, and you need to trust me when I say... You're wrong.

The acts where abusive. This is fact. What he tried to do, and achieved, is he shifted his act onto you, so that you blame yourself for him abusing you, the drinking, etc. The idea of psychological abuse in conjunction with physical abuse is to get you to believe him having sex with you is your fault.

So... tell me... how is it your fault that he raped you? What did you specifically do to warrant being raped?

The alcohol... yes, you did do something wrong, but did the punishment fit the crime in your opinion? Maybe it did, maybe it didn't... but was 20 bottles and getting a 14 yr old drunk the right solution? If you look at the bigger picture, being you now have no choice to be able to drink spirits or such, only beer... that choice was removed from you.

That one is a hard one, as it does have benefit from a parenting viewpoint.. ie. you catch your child smoking, so you make them smoke a whole packet so their physically ill. Well... yes parents use those techniques and they do work, but then they also fail. So I couldn't say that those techniques are right or wrong... they work for some, don't for others...

Sex... that's a whole different area though. That is personal, that is psychological, that is physical, that is emotional.

I will get to the rest in time... please be patient.

 

[anthony]

•I feel frustrated by the fact that I'm a woman, because I didn't chose to be born one and I just think that being one puts me in a vulnerable position.

Here is the answer to the problem:

1. the fact that my father didn't want me to be a girl and he made that clear throughout my life.
2. He said girls were stupid and bound to become wh*res.
3. And that's what he saw in me every time he would look at me.

You nailed it at the root of the problem. Can you see how all the rest you stated all leads back to the root. The root of the problem is what you need to come to terms with. You can't fix it, you can't change it, you can only understand it and try to reason with it.

Your father is the root cause of the issue.

What you have been told, what you have been programmed from childhood... its wrong and that is the solution to the problem. Now you need to begin believing trusted people and what they tell you, then implement change and trust their judgements, and not the judgements you have been programmed with due to an abusive upbringing.

The problem with first impressions is that you have to maintain them if you're to
keep people trusting you..

Nonsense... most people dress to impress upon interview, first time meeting, etc... after that it is normal to begin dressing down a little, more conservatively. Women showing cleavage at a job interview isn't new, then they wear shirts buttoned right up once they get the job. Its like shopping...

Guys are the same... they may embellish their qualifications, etc, but once they get the job they have to learn things they stated they knew... its all window dressing, but not something that must be maintained after the fact.

The vulnerability aspect comes from the idea that we are the weaker sex.

Not sure why you would think this either, as factually, females are smarter than males. If females didn't have the tendencies to be bitchy towards other females, you would all be running this world. That is what makes men the more dominant in powerful positions, being that we just don't care about what else goes on around us, or who, we just get the job done. As women learn that more, we are starting to see more women in positions of great power. Shit... Australia now has two female state Premiers, being the people in charge to the Prime Minister of Australia, who is also now female.

Females aren't running things because you keep letting yourself down with self esteem. Self esteem is an outlook, a self perception. You can think your shit, so you will be shit. You can think your a legend at doing x, you will become a legend at doing x.

I've tried to study martial arts, but guess what. I found the most misoginistic instructor ever: he told
me from the start that girls shouldn't be studying martial arts and when I insisted I wanted to do it, he
gave me a really hard time until I quit.

But you chose to quit... martial arts is about mental strength, not physical strength. Its about mental combined with technique... strength has nothing to do with it. He picked you as a quitter and you chose to live up to it. Choice is everything.

•I feel sad for not being loved by my father primarily because I was born on the feminine side.

Here, again, it comes down to my two voices. There's the logical voice that tells me not everybody is bad,
not everybody needs to beat up their kids. But the "hunch" doesn't go away with logic. Unfortunately, the
only solution I can see here is to live and see. I can't verify in any way that my future husband will not
take up drinking 10 years after we get married. I can't verify that he won't become violent at one point.
I can't get guarantees from anywhere.

Again, you have the answers, but your self esteem is letting your down from accepting what you know is truth. Your father was an abuser... end of lesson! His actions are not your actions. He owns his actions, and you have to put them with who they rightfully belong instead of consistently judging yourself as a result of what he forced upon you.

•I feel humiliated because he raped me.

He was my father. He was supposed to love and protect me. In stead, he chose to rape me so that I would stop having sex.

Yes, he was supposed to love you and take care of you.

Absolute garbage though that he chose to rape you so that you would stop having sex. That is complete crap and you need to wakeup to reality. He raped you because he is a paedophile and got off on it, nothing more, nothing less. That is the only reason an adult sexually abuses a child, being they get off on it.

I guess work with the trauma, make the feelings lose their intensity. I don't think it will ever go away, I just hope it won't ever be this bad.

Unfortunately Nyx you are correct... being that the feelings don't go away, nor should they... you where let down. Some turn those feelings to anger towards their abuser, some turn them to shame, guilt, etc, and harbour their abuse as their fault, some all.

Time and being honest with yourself about the cause is about the only thing that will assist you with these feelings. He let you down as a parent, and that can't be undone, nor should be considering the volatility of what he did.

•I feel frustrated because I don't believe that his actions following the rape were due to remorse.

I now tend to think that he was crying because he was feeling sorry for himself.

Yep... he knew he did wrong and was knew he was guilty. You should accept that he was guilty yourself, and put all that blame back with him, because none of it was your fault.

Why do I feel the need to find an explanation for his actions? I don't really know. Maybe to help me
define better my feelings towards him? Maybe trying to find a way to forgive? I truly don't know, I just
feel the need to understand.

I do like this Nyx... its perfectly normal to need a reason, and actually you are seeking it to help your mind close this part of your life, or atleast part of it...

I concur... he was in self pity. That is exactly what his actioned outlined from what you described. He is not the victim, you are... typical abuser behaviours still, being the need to be liked, admired, etc... to feel powerful. The older an abuser gets the worst they try and turn their guilt into being the victim, because they need the power still, but don't have the ability to necessarily get it any more. Thank god!

The understanding is that your father is a paedophile, he abused you for his own selfish sexual reasons to feel pleasure and dominate you, to have power and control you. Sadistic behaviour in essence. That is the understanding Nyx.[/quote]

 

[anthony]

•I feel guilty for saying "yes" when my abuser asked me if I was a wh*re, because it gave him an excuse to
treat me like one.

I had learned in the past that if I tried to fight back and give arguments to what he said it just made him mad and made things worse for me.

Our past often shapes our present, for better and worse... unfortunately you just ended up on the worst end at this point.

I didn't expect him to have a plan or for this question to be an opening for what he had in mind.

Take notice of the bold... put blame back where it fairly lay and should be. You own nothing for HIS actions.

I can't stop feeling guilty for answering yes. I just think that it reinforced his thoughts and later his
actions. What if I had said no and tried to explain that having sex does not make me a wh*re?

I have been in bed with women, when they have suddenly said STOP. As a male, and law, I stopped. That is what people do when they are people, not abusive people.

Now... apply that to what is normal from people vs. what this person/s have done to you. STOP means STOP, NO means NO. Normal people respect these words... regardless of the situation. Abusive people don't, and always use threats, intimidation, spite, aggression, etc... to make the female out that its her fault. Sorry... abusive behaviour belongs with the abuser, regardless.

Well, my logical voice keeps telling me that I need to accept that he would have done it anyway, even without that yes. But I don't know how to do that.

That is about on the money. You have the answers, most people do... you just don't want to believe yourself, you doubt your judgement, which is what abuse does. You need to trust me when I say these things as being what is normal vs. what you know as abusive. Remove abusive and negative thought patterns and replace what is otherwise socially normal thoughts and behaviours. Abusive behaviour belongs to the abuser, not the victim.

•I feel guilty for not fighting when he abused me.

• I said "no". Many times.
• I think I dissociated both times

I keep telling myself that it was taught behaviour.

Was it? I believe it was considering where the root of the abuse began. What you need to do is accept that this is actually a learnt behaviour from childhood, as childhood is where we learn the majority of our behaviours. Unfortunately for you, you need to accept that your childhood taught behaviours are wrong and change them.

Now... there is also a chemical component to this which many completely miss, being adrenalin and noradrenalin. Think, fight, flight, freeze. When our brain is threatened, it makes an subconscious decision to release adrenalin or noradrenalin, you get no real choice at the time unless you've had specific military / tactical type training. When threatened the body will release noradrenalin, freezing you or putting you into flight, depending on how much. This is why a woman when say grabbed from behind may freeze, and be frozen for an entire rape, literally unable to move, because their brain has instinctively gone into defensive mode and released an over-dosing amount of noradrenalin into the system, literally forcing them to be still, submissive and compliant, wait for the danger to go and then recover.

Bad brain. This is why some automatically fight, because their startle response is more acute, their self esteem greater, and their immediate reaction could be fight until the death, or fight until the body goes into defensive mode.

You can break out of it, ie. when a woman has been jumped, rape begun or about to begin, they have a little time to literally rethink what is going on, thus changing their brains subconscious response to now take charge, look for a moment, etc, to disable the abuser and escape, thus the brain changes and release an over-powering release of adrenalin instead.

•I feel frustrated by the thought that I deserved it.

I feel I deserved it because I took no action. Either to prevent it or to stop it.

No human deserves to be abused Nyx... but that won't help this specific feeling. What helps this feeling is more above aspects. You need to slowly regain self esteem, your own power, your own abilities. Actions build self esteem, regaining your power will change your feelings, thus your frustration.

 

[Nyx]

Thank you very much, Anthony, for taking the time. I need to chew on these, maybe if they're coming from another person it will be easier for me to believe. It takes time, doesn't it? :(

 

[Nyx]

I feel frustrated by the fact that I'm a woman, because I didn't chose to be born one and I just think that being one puts me in a vulnerable position.

Your father is the root cause of the issue.

What you have been told, what you have been programmed from childhood... its wrong and that is the solution to the problem.

It's his beliefs, not mine. It's his actions, not mine. He was abusive and that was his fault, not mine.

--
The problem with first impressions is that you have to maintain them if you're to keep people trusting
you.

First impressions count, but what you are is more important and speaks for you in the end. I do believe this, I just tend to forget sometimes...
--

Not sure why you would think this either, as factually, females are smarter than males.

Smarter, maybe. But not stronger. Plus, you are part of the males that have a broader vision in life, who see beyond their own person. Unfortunately, where I live this type of male represents a maximum of 10% of the male population. The rest are infants who take every opportunity to bring you down. Yes, you are right, it's about choice - giving up or not, chosing to be a winner or a loser -, but it's also about society and its rules.

Me dressing the way I would like to dress - high heels, skirts, fitted shirts - would only bring me attention. And the problem is not necessarily that it brings me attention, it's the type of attention I receive that bothers me. If they whistle at me, throw dirty comments and grab me on the street that doesn't tell me they admire me, that tells me they see me as a weakling and a possible victim. And the basic problem is that their behaiviour is socially accepted and regarded as normal. How do I deal with a whole society's view on things?

I know that in principle I am only vulnerable if I allow myself to believe I am. But the fact is I am. I don't have physical strength, I only have attitude. Still, attitude is not enough.
--

He picked you as a quitter and you chose to live up to it. Choice is everything.

You are right. I let myself believe I was vulnerable, so I became vulnerable. This is a lesson I have to remember.
--

Absolute garbage though that he chose to rape you so that you would stop having sex. That is complete crap and you need to wakeup to reality. He raped you because he is a paedophile and got off on it, nothing more, nothing less. That is the only reason an adult sexually abuses a child, being they get off on it.

I wasn't a kid when it happened, I was almost 20. But I get the main idea: abuse is about power, which he had since I was a kid. And he used that power in any way he could. I need to get that through my thick skull.
--

I feel frustrated because I don't believe that his actions following the rape were due to remorse.

Frustration gone, explanation found and accepted: he did that because he was in self pity. He posed as the victim to excuse himself, excuse his actions, so that he could live with himself. Well, I don't excuse him even if he does. He posed as a victim, but he was not. He IS not.
--
What if I had said no and tried to explain that having sex does not make me a wh*re?

That's a useless "what if". He did have a plan that day, it was brewing in his head for some time if I am to judge only facts and not myself. The question was only a trap to shift the blame onto me and unfortunately I fell in it head first. But not anymore. Facts are: he had a sick mind and he acted on it and I couldn't have stopped it even if I tried. The other "what if"s are also useless. What happened happened and I can't take it back. Couldn't move out sooner, chose not to move with my neighbour, those are decisions I made and cannot be undone. If he was a normal person, I wouldn't have had to wonder about these decisions in the first place.
--
Well, my logical voice keeps telling me that I need to accept that he would have done it anyway, even without that yes. But I don't know how to do that.

Remove abusive and negative thought patterns and replace what is otherwise socially normal thoughts and behaviours.

--
I feel guilty for not fighting when he abused me.

Learned behaviour. Freeze response. I have them. Solution? Need to train that response.
--
I feel frustrated by the thought that I deserved it.

I need to remember that

No human deserves to be abused

Regain self esteem, your own power, your own abilities. Actions build self esteem, regaining your power will change your feelings, thus your frustration.

--
There are some statements above I will come to believe in time, as I don't believe them now. Even though I know them to be true. Of the above my only real issue seems to remain the one I have with the community I live in. I have to listen to me, to my needs, but also find a way for those needs to wrap around sociey's rules, even though I don't agree to them. That's going to be a tough one.

I still have a lot of processing to do with the other feelings I have posted. But I'll get to them in time. I first need a plan for the changes I want to implement. And even before this plan, I need time off from thinking. I tend to overload and over do it and that will only damage my plan. A clouded mind is not an efficient one.

Anthony, CB, JB, Nicolette, Crusoe, thank you for your feedback. It feels good to have sane thoughts sent my way as opposed to the circles I was going around in. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I found a beautiful clearing for now. I plan to enjoy it :)

 

[anthony]

Yes... the community is an issue. Where you live I wouldn't define as normal, as looking in Australia, most business women dress sexy, but smart... and don't get constant BS... though yes, they absolutely would get some.

Some dress that way for attention, some dress that way simply because it makes them feel sexy, which is female I guess.... and the attention needs to be stopped instantly on the spot, though I agree... if a majority is an issue, then I would look for ways around it.

Dress sexy, but dress down a little... if a blouse is unbuttoned slightly, then where a scarf if out, remove it in the office... there are alternatives to be sexy but reduce harassment.

End of the day though... you don't own the harassment... the simple minded people doing it own their behaviour.

Compromise is likely the ultimate solution. If your in a city, then I would think you would blend in and wouldn't be as noticeable... but if your not in a city... then I guess you would be more noticeable.

 

[Nyx]

I am in a city, a big one as a matter of fact. And it's not like I'm the only woman dressing feminine - I'm not going for sexy, I'm just going for feminine and it's still an issue -, but we all get that treatment. And this is why it's an issue, because it just seems that most men in my city are pigs. Plain and simple. They're like little kids in front of a candy store... But kids with an attitude.
Anyway, I also think that compromise is the only way to go. And have to remember that I don't own the harrassment - maybe that would help with my own attitude, my anger. I sometimes think that I just take too hard the comments, maybe it's not as big a deal as I make it out to be..

 

[anthony]

There are several ways to look at things IMHO:

• Comments on being beautiful are just that...
• Rude and lude comments are from pigs... put fault with their attitude, not with something you are doing...
• How much does your past affect your own feelings towards a positive comment...

Nicolette comes home and tells me that she still gets whistled at, guys ogle her cleavage, etc... and she used to cover up more, but now accepts she can feel beautiful and that rude comments belong to their owner, not her... guys will look at cleavage, it male genetics.

Rude and nasty comments you should always place back with their maker... but you also should be able to feel the way you feel.

If you told me you where dressed to impress and walking down dark alleys or a really bad, high risk neighbourhood, I would tell you that you're insane and increasing the risk of issues occurring, however; if you are dressed to impress for work, which is how most women do dress in business... then you also need to take charge of you. If a male is looking at your boobs instead of your eyes when talking, you call them on it... don't be shy, and then watch their reaction when you take the power of the conversation. If a guy smacks you on the arse, don't let it fly, make an example of them, call them on it immediately so others can hear you...

Patterns immerge when abuse isn't stopped immediately, ie. a guy calls you sexy. Next time he calls you sweet like candy, next time he touches you, next time he smacks you on the arse, next time he smacks you on the arse twice, next time he follows you into a private area and pushes himself against you, next time he ends up raping you.

See the pattern? It starts small and escalates... stop it immediately and it doesn't escalate.

Either way, anyone raping another owns what they do, but you do actually have some control the majority of the time in stopping a cycle or pattern.

You aren't going to be able to stop a guy who drags you from the street or breaks into your home from doing something... they are going to do bad things regardless, but this is about a work environment and your ability to dress feminine and feel feminine. So you either dress down a little or you feel feminine and stop any male nonsense as and when it occurs.

If you pass a worksite... accept that a group of hard working guys are likely to whistle, etc at a sexy woman, but leave it at that for what it is... a group of guys being male. They aren't going to jump down and rape you... they are complementing you in a male group way. That is another way to look at it. Sure... still being pigs... but you don't own their behaviour. Some women take it as a compliment, some take it as piggish. Both sexes have aspects in that area, where females ogle some men, but not others... though yes, it is predominantly male ogling female, being genetics.

 

[Nyx]

This is a funny coincidence. My T told me on Saturday that I have come to discover something really important about me: that I have put myself in abusive relationships - not only romantic relationships but also work related ones - because I wasn't aware of the pattern and because it was the only thing I knew. I'm starting to work on that, as it's a really important aspect and ignoring it can put me in the position of becoming a victim again.
Now you are talking about abusive patterns. And you are right, my options are pretty clear: either dress down and avoid some situations or take back power if I choose to dress the way I want to. Either way, I have to assume what's mine, beside placing behaviors with their right owners.
Work related issues... I just have to start learning how to say no.

These are both about abusive patterns and these are both in my power to stop. It would be esaier if people wouldn't be so mean, but that is that: sometimes people are mean. Do I like it? No. But can I change them? Deffinitely no. But I do have the power to change myself...

 

[jadebear]

accept that a group of hard working guys are likely to whistle, etc at a sexy woman, but leave it at that for what it is... a group of guys being male.

What makes males think they have the right to say things to women in the first place? I am so tired of men saying shit to me. I don't take them as compliments, I take them as insults. It makes me feel like an object, not a person.

I just want to be able to go somewhere without some dumbass thinking he can just come up and make a comment. If I'm in a grocery store, I'm not flattered when a guy comes up and tells me how pretty I am. I don't think it's funny to be asked "would you like to squeeze my buns" when I'm in the bread aisle.

I don't dress sexy at all, I try to hide my body, so I don't want to hear "you have nice tits"....I don't want to be told I have a nice ass or any other stupid shit that men say. They need to save those comments for the women that are looking for the attention, the ones that have their boobs hanging out, or skirts so short you can see their butt cheeks. Those women want to hear things like that, I don't.

Men are such idiots.....and I'm sick of it. I do enjoy the look on their faces when they've been shot down though....nothing more enjoyable than a man thinking he's got even a remote chance and to watch the look on his face when he's been rejected.....LOL, it's priceless.

 

[jadebear]

Men are seriously so stupid....

I think it's obvious that I'm pretty frustrated right now. I think every male in upper management at work has made some sort of comment or inappropriate gesture to me now. WTF is wrong with them?

I saw on tv once that in the future, males will become obsolete. I hope it happens in my lifetime.

 

[Darkness Shines]

I saw on tv once that in the future, males will become obsolete. I hope it happens in my lifetime.

Really, what makes people in rape survivor communities think it's OK to talk this way???? Especially on a forum like this which says right on the main page that it's supposed to be open to both female AND male survivors? Is it any wonder men don't seek help or support???

And yeah, I take it f-ing personally, because my husband and brother are men, so when anyone talks sh*t on men, they're talking sh*t on my family. I've never taken that, and I never will!

Heres a newsflash: 90% of the entire world population are stupid, useless, selfish, insensitive wastes of space who should off themselves to leave more room for the rest of us. The remaining 10% of actually worthwhile people aren't recognizable by gender, or any other petty trait.

If women are so f-ing wonderful, why am I constantly pulling cheap sluts away from my husband? Cause women are just as stupid and shallow as men, that's why!

Of course I get all the same sh*t the rest of you do, including at work. But I don't take it. I give it back even better than they give it to me. Or, as my wonderful, kind, polite, caring husband says "Touch Adelaide and we can't be responsible for what becomes of your fingers".

Oh, and if the mods want to come at me for not putting up with this kind of talk, then go ahead. I've left other communities in the past cause they made it obvious my defense of men was unwelcome, so I'll leave here too if that's what's preferred.