General Progress With So's Ptsd!

[EveHarrington]

Congrats on the progress! :)

 

[Hojay]

I love these lists and everyone's replies. Then again, it's just making me feel like a weak failure right now for not being able to tolerate it. I want to not take it personally, I want to give him time and space, but I am getting so little out of the relationship right now, I don't know if I can even call it one.

He moved away to get treatment and focus on getting better, instead he took on a new job, barely goes to treatment, and his panic attacks are out of control. He can barely talk to me with out having an episode. There are no plans to see each other because he doesn't know if he "can." He wanted to send me a long letter with all of his thoughts and a game plan for us to move forward in a healthy way - but writing it triggered him so much, I won't be getting that letter after all. He says he loves me and wants to be with me and he's doing all he can - but those are only words at this point. He's distanced himself physically and emotionally. I honestly, sincerely do not know what to do anymore.

 

[dulcia]

I love these lists and everyone's replies. Then again, it's just making me feel like a weak failure right...

I have a hard time not taking things personally, so instead I focus on not acting on things that I take personally. If I wait to act and give myself time to process, remove myself from the situation, or cool down, I am usually thankful I didn't act immediately.

As for your situation, that really sucks, I am sorry. A lot of partners on here seem to go through that. When I'm unsure about space and the relationship, I focus on me. I'll eat healthier, go to the gym more, buy a few flattering clothing items, spend a little extra time with friends...that helps me not dwell on the bad and suffocate my partner and in turn gives me a confidence boost, which is not only good, but I know my SO finds confidence attractive, so it can work in more ways than one.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

It's tough - cuz I really had to get to a place in our relationship where I loved my husband (before we were married) enough to "live without him" if that was what was best for him. My "needing" him was so VERY hard on him. And he didn't know how to process my "emotion" of love without it seeming like "neediness" (even though it arguably wasn't - he had only known other people to "love" him by "needing" him, which was it's own huge part of past abuses he suffered, too, so this was all wrapped up with our various trust issues at the start, and his "fear" of failing to KEEP my love, ie - failing to meet MY needs - caused him to kinda self-destruct because the pressure was too much, even though I didn't think I was pressuring him). We had a few "separations" in there - PTSD related Shut-Outs. And I had to learn the hard way to let him take his space - two biggies lasted several months each, and I had to cling to hope that he would "come back" of his own accord - eventually I knew I could trust that he would, because I was his safest place, too, and every successive shut-out has gotten less and less, and I've gotten more and more patient. :) :( :)

And I echo @tiredtexan 's remark about her SO finding confidence attractive. My husband has reiterated this with me OVER and OVER again .. in large part to encourage me to GET more confident, cuz I've had my own insecurity issues to deal with in our relationship.

If I may also encourage you to consider, @Hojay - what are other ways you can "get" what you need elsewhere, rather than getting it out of the relationship? Maybe the issue is that you have other friendships that might be a better support system so you don't have to "need" your guy so much? I'm not in any way suggesting he shouldn't consider your emotional needs - but maybe there's another way to reframe your perception of those "needs" and have them met by other means? Prayer? Church? Coffee date with a trusted girlfriend? Journaling? Etc. FILL your life with more than just him. My husband says he realized he was in love with me when he became persuaded I operate from "my own center" .. I have my OWN core sense of self, my own "world" (even my own house), etc. So he knew I could "carry on" if our relationship failed, and that - by some miracle - took a huge part of the pressure off of us, and I didn't even know he needed to see that or become convinced of that .. it happened more naturally as I gained more sure-footing in my job/family, etc.

Encouragements to you both!

~WU

 

[Hojay]

I understand where you are coming from, @WhisperingUnicorn. I am very self-sufficient, and do have a large social circle with many close friends I can confide in. The focus of my life definitely isn't my sufferer, and he's very much aware I could and can live without him, which is also one of the reasons he's drawn to me. Essentially, however, being in a relationship means adding a person to your life who can fulfill needs that can't be fulfilled any other way - that's the definition of a partnership and, very pragmatically, the purpose of it. It's a special kind of intimacy, closeness, and mutually beneficial bond that heightens it from a close friendship to romantic relationship.

I don't think it is selfish or off-base to want to have needs fulfilled, not put a partner's needs above one's own systemically, and make demands. If that's not possible, it's not much of a relationship, IMOP, but rather a friendship (with benefits, sometimes) and an unbalanced one at best. I'm not blaming him for not being able to fulfill my needs at the moment, he doesn't owe me anything. It's me who has to have a long conversation with my self how much and how long I can and should take myself back in this, or any, relationship. Giving up my own needs in a relationship, all in the name of love, is not how I see a healthy romantic life progressing. Hope that makes sense...

 

[Hojay]

When I'm unsure about space and the relationship, I focus on me.

That's good advice, also something to consider in any relationship, not just ones with sufferers :)

A lot of partners on here seem to go through that.

This is interesting, which aspect of the above do you mean? Maybe it's part of a cycle and I just haven't gotten to the end of the first one to be able to relax a bit, knowing it will pass?

 

[dulcia]

I am getting so little out of the relationship right now, I don't know if I can even call it one.

These are things a lot of partners seem to go through. I've seen a lot of posts, especially by those early in their relationship (6 months or less), about how they don't know if they are even in a relationship, or if what they have counts as a relationship.

There are no plans to see each other because he doesn't know if he "can."

I've also read a lot about distancing -- distancing during the start of therapy, distancing due to a lack of therapy, distancing due to a med change, distancing due to a lack of meds, etc. It's hard to learn the line between giving space for your SO to process or whatever they're needing at the moment, and having basic things that are normal in non-PTSD relationships, such as regular contact and time together. I've read posts from partner's on here that are married or have been with their SO for 8+ years and live in the same house as their SO and still deal with their distancing/lack of contact/seclusion. That blew my mind when I first heard about physical and emotional isolating when you live in the same house as your SO, but I see now that it is not at all uncommon. I personally do not deal with much isolating from my SO, so maybe browsing some of the Supporter Relationships and PTSD Relationships forums would be more helpful, as I don't really have advice to give.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me and he's doing all he can - but those are only words at this point. He's distanced himself physically and emotionally. I honestly, sincerely do not know what to do anymore.

This is another thing that seems common. Distancing (again) and a lack of or inability to communicate leads to uncertainty. You either find a constructive way to broach these subjects or you learn how to deal with not knowing or -- sometimes even more difficult to cope with -- inconsistencies between words and action. With my SO, those inconsistencies are not malicious or ill-intended and honestly, probably cause him more internal grief than it causes me.

I feel like I'm rambling at this point, so browsing through forums may be the best idea lol. When I find a thread or a post I resonate with, I check the links at the very bottom for similar threads. Sometimes they are from years ago, but I still find the information relevant.

One thing I can tell you from experience that cycling is definitely a thing. Cycles come and go with holidays, triggers, anniversaries, and sometimes for unidentifiable reasons. Cycles are easier when you have a plan or some sort of idea of what to expect, but cycles are never easy. When I found this site, my SO and I were in the deepest low we had had yet. The last few weeks, we have been the best we've been in a few months, and now I feel like we may be slipping into the downward cycle again. (But I am expecting it as he has an anniversary during the holidays so it's always a double whammy for him.)

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

With my SO, those inconsistencies are not malicious or ill-intended and honestly, probably cause him more internal grief than it causes me.

True here, too, as my husband is a "multiple" (complex PTSD / dissociative), and so there are legitimate memory disconnects, and legitimate (though rare) INTENT disconnects because one part of him may want one thing while another part of him wants another, and he (they) isn't yet in "internal agreement," which is something we have to work on every day. :) When we succeed, it is beautiful indeed! (LOL) ... No matter what "part" of him is predominant in any given moment, I know I can TRUST that his HEART is to be as truthful with me, as honest about himself with me, as he knows how to be .... And where we have some natural "glitches" - we build methods of communication to add further clarification for each other so that "next time" might not be so clumsy.... :)

I don't think it is selfish or off-base to want to have needs fulfilled, not put a partner's needs above one's own systemically, and make demands. If that's not possible, it's not much of a relationship, IMOP, but rather a friendship (with benefits, sometimes) and an unbalanced one at best.

It's me who has to have a long conversation with my self how much and how long I can and should take myself back in this, or any, relationship.

Ya, I think you're hitting on the main things - a combination of "acceptable balance" AND "counting the cost" .. cuz honestly, it's not some kind of human failing to say "I know myself well enough to realize I won't be able to deal with this" as though you don't love the person, and I apologize if it came across as oversimplification from my above comments .. It's hard to tell from one or two entries how much a person has thought through these things, and I have (admittedly) run into many well-meaning gals who think they "have what it takes" to go the distance with their PTSD fellow, and then reality gives them an unexpected and more-than-necessarily-painful wake-up call. :( And BOTH he and she end up more hurt in the process, over things that might have been addressed earlier on if they'd both been more alert to the potential pitfalls ....

There are people who probably should NOT be involved with someone with PTSD (lifestyle adaptations), OR in a wheelchair (lifestyle adaptations), or with a different first language culture (lifestyle adaptations), or ADHD or OCD (lifestyle adaptions!), or whatever. I think it's completely valid to say we ALL have to "count the cost" whatever that means for each of us. :)

My husband, too, had to ask himself if *I* was "worth" having to put up with the ways I accidentally trigger him .. And I used to trigger him a lot because of my own naiveté. :) :( Now, we work through this, and I trigger him far less than I used to because I've learned a LOT since our beginnings, have become more true to myself, and he's learned not to take *my* quirks too personally .. but he had a legitimate soul-searching he had to do on his own take on this same kind of question. (And here is where I tend to err on the side of making our or any "PTSD" affected relationship sound perhaps TOO "normal" .. Relationships - genuinely loving, self-sacrificing in a balanced and wholesome/healthy way - are all in their own ways just truly difficult, and a forever-commitment is delicate and should never be taken too lightly, but I think this is something our culture isn't very good at on ANY level, let alone if there are any "disabilities" in the equation....)

IF I had discovered along the way that my husband's PTSD was "too much for me to handle" and I had "broken" us off "way back when" -- that, in truth, would have been a more LOVING thing for me to do for him at the time, even though it would have broken his heart. :( Likewise if he'd determined he couldn't live with my "triggering" him .. Because in truth, for either of us to marry someone who couldn't "adapt" to our respective unique personality(ies)/struggles, etc. would have been WAY more harmful to each, than us persevering only for the sake of love-trying-not-to-wound.

In other words, sometimes the greater the love, the more necessary the "wound" .. and as "early" as such necessity may be known to prevent further/permanent damage. ..

I'm really glad you feel confident you have a good solid footing for your own world and health and happiness .. It seems we always have to re-evaluate as faced with new twists, "Ok, is THIS the deal breaker?" .. And I sincerely hope you'd come to agreement on that BEFORE you'd commit to "forever" with this person, but some people seem to not be able to know enough about each other or the realistic challenges until after the "I Do's" .. which is sad but understandable.... :) :(

Apologies if this is overly "idealistic" in scope, or presumptuous regarding any of your own relationship particulars .. I DO nevertheless want to CHAMPION the intrinsic VALUE of PERSEVERING even in hardship .. but I had already determined LONG ago that this man, who is now my husband and the love of my life, was WORTH the investment of my "self" .. I consider us among the very "lucky" FEW out there, whether "PTSD" is part of the equation or not! .. I consider him a GIFT to me, and I know I am a "gift" to him, too .. He saw THROUGH my mess, and I saw through his, and we trust each other's HEART even if our methods are a bit clumsy sometimes - we strive to have GRACE for each other day by day. So for us, that's something worth protecting and fighting for!

~WU

 

[Hojay]

@tiredtexan and @WhisperingUnicorn, I just now realized that I had not actually replied to your long and thoughtful replies here. You two give great, thoughtout advice. It's clear you have a lot of experience with relationships of this kind and it's invaluable - especially, as some members noted above, it's not always a good idea to talk to friends and family about this.

My SO and I have moved through a rough patch, initiated, weirdly, by me blowing a complete gasket over his selfish and rude behavior. I had no control over it, none, I just lost it. Strangely it snapped his head back into place and it's opened his eyes to some of his unacceptable behavior. Now he's meeting me halfway, which makes it much easier for me when he's not 100%. I can be patient if I'm treated with love, care, trust, and respect. I guess there is no one true solution. For me it was losing my marbles. For others it may be more patience and understanding. Let's see where this takes me. But anyway, thank you for now! You guys are champions.

 

[dulcia]

Sad to read about past progress when you're on a downward part of the roller coaster again!