Relationship Pstd And Marriage Counselling?

[Mytime]

Hi I'm new and hoping I'm posting in the right place. My husband has PSTD and depression. We have started marriage counselling and I've been holding back a lot of my feeling, in fear if I Express my feelings he will run again. Fearing the stress cup I guess. So I would like to know. Do I let my hurt,sadness, and angry out or only let some out?

 

[Virtues]

Well it's best to be honest, but not brutal... what exactly are you holding back?
As a husband with PTSD, I can honestly say I wish my wife would talk about it and not pretend like it doesn't exist, it has turned into the elephant in the room. I can say that for me the only time it comes up in conversation is when we're having an argument and it seems like a cop-out for her... "it's just your PTSD..."

It makes it hard for me to approach her and talk to her. If I have break throughs in therapy I feel like she isn't a part of them because I can't talk to her about them. I feel like we are growing apart because she has become unapproachable. Again this is just my particular situation, but avoidance seems like a dangerous road...

 

[Anarchy]

Welcome to the forum!

It was a relationship T who first spotted my PTSD. I didn't believe him at the time, but that's another story.

Have you started therapy?

The T is the expert in the room, I'd let the T be the judge / referee.

It's no good if you are left unable to express your needs, so don't go in intending to walk on eggshells.

You can probably do some homework too.
There's a good paper by Raymond Bergner, about why some men withdraw, you'll get it from his academia.edu page.

Also check out Ms Spock's thread on cognitive distortions.

 

[twinkle30]

The only way therapy can work is if you are fully honest. Best of luck to you.

 

[Gadgie]

Let it all out, don't hold anything back, after all that's what therapy is all about good luck, and welcome to the site.

 

[shimmerz]

Before I would go too far in the counselling I would make certain that the therapist knows about trauma in a professional way. It is dangerous to have someone who is not knowledgeable in trauma messing with PTSD.

 

[Mytime]

Thank you all What am I holding back? My angry, I've been with my husband for 25 years and married 18 with kids. He has had 1 physical affair and 2 emotional affairs. I stayed by his side to work thing out. I always looked at things from both sides and apologized when accountable. In the beginning we were a team. He shared what he wanted with me,when he started counseling. Then he started EMDR therapy and I found out that he had lied to me.Needless to say shit hit the fan. He then became verbally and emotionally abused. If I stepped out of line he would take things away from me like ,giving me a kiss before he left to go to work. He is a first responder so you have that fear of him getting hurt on the job or worse. And through all of this I still went out of my way to try and keep the stress down. I let him know that we would not talk about our relationship or anything that would upset him inside the house or around the kids so that he didn't have the anxiety of me bringing stuff up when we were at home. I walked on egg shells and if he was in a bad mood I would make myself scarce. Then he said to me in a argument that he has been unhappy for years and he has not voiced his feelings and that he was just done. He came and went as he pleased he he would stay away from home two three times a week and I was left with picking up the emotional baggage of myself and the kids. And now were in counseling and I'm trying to figure out how to express the pain of me sticking by him When he made mistakes then him just throwing me away Because he's pissed at me for stuff I didn't know pissed him of because he didn't voice it. It's like getting pissed off that your teen smashedup the car but he's never had driving lessons. Sorry for going on and on.

 

[Mytime]

Before I would go too far in the counselling I would make certain that the therapist knows about trauma...

She is a psychotherapist and she does have experience in P TSD

 

[shimmerz]

in fear if I Express my feelings he will run again. Fearing the stress cup I guess.

Lying = self imposed stress

She needs to know your level of frustration/anger etc. For sure. Just because he has PTSD doesn't mean it should be all about him.

 

[Mytime]

Lying = self imposed stress

She needs to know your level of frustration/anger etc. For sure. Just be...

I feel in the beginning she was trying to see how he responded to different Conversations . Like when we talked about the kids or work and then me. It was almost like three different people sitting beside me

 

[Virtues]

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this. The honest truth is you lost me at affair. I don't know what I would do if my wife had an affair on me. I would have probably have left by now. You are strong, don't cut yourself short. I think your T is the person that needs to be giving you advice in this matter. This is a long rocky road you've been traveling and you're going to make a mess no matter where you step. I think that's why a T is such an important person to have regulating the conversation and keeping it productive; I could easily see that turning into a heated grudge match. Again, I am sorry you are having to go through this.

 

[Mytime]

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this. The honest truth is you lost me at affair. I...

Thank you for your kind words. They do help,I do try to stay strong and look at everything from all aspects. I believe we all make mistakes . I'm not perfect and it's a part of being human. I have always said how I feel in a respectful way. I think before I speak. So I guess some of my angry is on me. I can say I let him take my voice away but the reality is I did that. But I can still be pissed about the other stuff lol