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Deleted member 34561
Last week I posted two threads one entitled Depression.... Malignant sadness and the other entitled No reply to last post. I wrote both while in the grip of paranoid delusions and auditory and visual hallucinations. This was brought on by withdrawing from very heavy cannabis abuse over many years and a tonne of stress brought on by splitting up from my ex partner of 23 years.
I had a bit of a breakdown Monday and Tuesday and realised what I had been going through. But when in the grip of psychosis I had no idea what was even going on. Somebody in real life challenged me about the false beliefs I had about my ex partner on Monday you see because as they said to me none of what I was saying or believing about them being my half brother and abusing my kids and other peoples kids was true. This person is my key worker at the drug and alcohol clinic I've been attending for the last 6 months you see and she had gone away and spoken to the police about what I had been saying and they told her I was crazy because there was no proof or evidence to back up my claims. She wanted me to see the psychatrist because they were both worried that I was either a danger to myself or my ex partner or anyone else I wrongly believed was connected to this paedophile ring I was going on about. They both wanted me to face the truth and accept there is no paedophile ring and my ex is not my half brother and to calm down and shut up otherwise they were going to place me in the mental ward involuntarily.
Between us we worked out that I was denying the feelings connected to me being incested in my birth family and the feelings over losing my kids first into foster care then more recently now they are adults because of my anger towards them both and then twisting those feelings round and projecting them onto my ex partner and also my kids in other words disowning them because they were too extreme and too powerful for me to be able to cope with in myself. All through stress and cannabis withdrawal. I'm now out the other side of this psychosis and very much back in touch with reality. I'm utterly horrified and bloody embarrassed at what I've been spouting on here and in real life about all this crap that has no basis in fact.
I had a shrink tell me years ago that I have a tendency to fill in the gaps and create a story in my head to suit my bandy feelings especially about things I don't know the truth about or understand. This is what has been happening recently. I feel dreadful about how I've mistreated my ex partner and my kids. My ex partner was really physically and emotionally abusive towards me at times but then so was I towards him too. In fact if I'm to be brutally honest with myself and you guys it was me who started the abuse with him without even meaning to or even understanding that what I was doing was even abuse at all.
Anyway I've apologised to my ex partner and he has forgiven me because he understands just how very sick in the head I was till 5 days ago and what caused it. My grown up kids on the other hand are not so forgiving and because of my awful mistreatment of them they will probably never come round and never forgive me. But I only have myself to blame for that I am very clear that none of this is either of their faults. And that neither they or my ex partner deserved to be abused by me. Yes I was really ill and there were bloody good reasons for it but there is no excuse for abuse and if I want to change it then I have to own it and try to make amends for how I behaved if I can.
Anyway I will leave it there but I wanted to apologise to anyone on here who was offended or triggered by the shit I was coming out with in my two previous posts. You won't see that behaviour from me again now my psychosis has passed and I'm now clean of cannabis for 7 weeks. I plan on staying clean as well. Sorry again.
I'm going to be taking a break from this website for a little while. I will be back but am changing my username when I do. In the meantime I wish you all the best for your recovery from this horrible affliction we are all here for and ask for your understanding and forgiveness. I really haven't been myself lately.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47
I had a bit of a breakdown Monday and Tuesday and realised what I had been going through. But when in the grip of psychosis I had no idea what was even going on. Somebody in real life challenged me about the false beliefs I had about my ex partner on Monday you see because as they said to me none of what I was saying or believing about them being my half brother and abusing my kids and other peoples kids was true. This person is my key worker at the drug and alcohol clinic I've been attending for the last 6 months you see and she had gone away and spoken to the police about what I had been saying and they told her I was crazy because there was no proof or evidence to back up my claims. She wanted me to see the psychatrist because they were both worried that I was either a danger to myself or my ex partner or anyone else I wrongly believed was connected to this paedophile ring I was going on about. They both wanted me to face the truth and accept there is no paedophile ring and my ex is not my half brother and to calm down and shut up otherwise they were going to place me in the mental ward involuntarily.
Between us we worked out that I was denying the feelings connected to me being incested in my birth family and the feelings over losing my kids first into foster care then more recently now they are adults because of my anger towards them both and then twisting those feelings round and projecting them onto my ex partner and also my kids in other words disowning them because they were too extreme and too powerful for me to be able to cope with in myself. All through stress and cannabis withdrawal. I'm now out the other side of this psychosis and very much back in touch with reality. I'm utterly horrified and bloody embarrassed at what I've been spouting on here and in real life about all this crap that has no basis in fact.
I had a shrink tell me years ago that I have a tendency to fill in the gaps and create a story in my head to suit my bandy feelings especially about things I don't know the truth about or understand. This is what has been happening recently. I feel dreadful about how I've mistreated my ex partner and my kids. My ex partner was really physically and emotionally abusive towards me at times but then so was I towards him too. In fact if I'm to be brutally honest with myself and you guys it was me who started the abuse with him without even meaning to or even understanding that what I was doing was even abuse at all.
Anyway I've apologised to my ex partner and he has forgiven me because he understands just how very sick in the head I was till 5 days ago and what caused it. My grown up kids on the other hand are not so forgiving and because of my awful mistreatment of them they will probably never come round and never forgive me. But I only have myself to blame for that I am very clear that none of this is either of their faults. And that neither they or my ex partner deserved to be abused by me. Yes I was really ill and there were bloody good reasons for it but there is no excuse for abuse and if I want to change it then I have to own it and try to make amends for how I behaved if I can.
Anyway I will leave it there but I wanted to apologise to anyone on here who was offended or triggered by the shit I was coming out with in my two previous posts. You won't see that behaviour from me again now my psychosis has passed and I'm now clean of cannabis for 7 weeks. I plan on staying clean as well. Sorry again.
I'm going to be taking a break from this website for a little while. I will be back but am changing my username when I do. In the meantime I wish you all the best for your recovery from this horrible affliction we are all here for and ask for your understanding and forgiveness. I really haven't been myself lately.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47
