Military Pts Rage And Violence

[Gunsmith]

I know everyone is effected differently. I guess I'm looking for validation as my recent behavior has been atrocious.

I have bouts of barely controlled rage with increasing frequency. I don't think I had any when I returned home for the last time, but now it's almost daily. I've been asked often if I ever have thoughts of injuring myself... The answer is always, hell no! I have thoughts of injuring others.

Now before anyone freaks out yes I'm seeking proffesional help and no I haven't laid a hand on anyone... But goddamn do I want to! I sometimes have to get up and walk out without explanation before I soundly throttle someone in the room, or worse. Recently it took ALOT to stop me (6'4" 235) from grabbing my supervisor (a petite woman) by the throat and picking her up off the floor.

I have no idea why I get so angry or how to calm down. My killing days are done, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Two sides of the same coin, anger turned inward results in self harm (cutting, burning, hitting, binging, drinking, drugging, etc), while anger turned outward just means you take it out on others (yelling, screaming, hitting, etc)

I don't know how to dissipate that anger. I have such a rage inside of me, but the worst of it is by far and away directed at myself. I end up doing not so healthy things to control things that are even more unhealthy.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I am glad you're seeking help though.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I get it. I punch things, I scream, I throw things, I growl. Once that line from between anger and rage gets crossed there is no going back. I have had to have medical attention for my injuries several times from my bouts of rage. I am a grown-ass woman who throws gigantic temper tantrums. My rage is different as it is usually aimed at myself but I have physically fought with people (before I was in therapy and addiction recovery).

Walking away helps me too. That about face gives me some time and distance from the target of my rage.

You are getting help so things are bound to improve. Hang in there.

 

[Friday]

The only thing that helps me cool the anger...sans sit down and shut the f*ck up meds... Is weapons handling. Heart rate drops, breathing drops, everything loosens up. I can fake it sometimes, just drop into that mode midstride / sans firearms. Head tilts right and exhale.

Failing that... I have to bleed it out. Preemptively works best. A whole lotta hard physical / high contact exercise (sparring or bag work), sex, showers, etc. Literally tap it and vent it, before it stacks up. Once I actually have to use my self-control / discipline? I'm pretty much f*cked. It's gonna burn. It's gonna burn, and stab, and ache. Worse, I'll very possibly end up injuring myself. Whether it's a pulled muscle running too hard, a broken hand, or a cracked tooth from clenching my jaw. And there will be rebound. Emotional rollercoaster inbound. Once my rage starts leaking out, we've got problems. So, ideally, I sort it ahead of time. Things just don't happen to be ideal at the moment.

I have to remove myself from a lot of situations. Letting that particular beast out of its cage in the moment? Bad juju. It was a tossup today as to what/who was going through a window. And if I'd drag them back through it a time or three for good measure. So I got in my car, cranked up the music, got some food... And did the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. Again. Sometimes doing the opposite of what I want is the only thing that keeps me out of jail.

 

[arfie]

I am also a projector. Turning my anger inward does not even seem to be an option in my case. Smoking a cigarette seems to be as harsh as my self-harm urges seem to go. I think my emotions only flow in one direction and that is outward. Luckily, I am a petite woman, so I can get away with allot more of that than a big man can, albeit, not very graciously and definitely not ethically. Body weights and gender stereotypes notwithstanding, small people are capable of huge damage. "Flight" is my standard response. Letting it slide in to "Fight" mode is downright dangerous in my case. My husband is even bigger than you are, Gunsmith, and he only made the mistake of doubting that once in our 34 years together. Just once.

Like @FridayJones, I channel it. So far as I can tell, emotions don't respond to logic and demands to, "Just get over it," so finding a place to channel is the only workable option I have ever found. Ditto on the vigorous exercise. (does exercise get more vigorous than good sex?) Proactively burning off that adrenaline seems to be essential. I am often able to channel my anger into musical instruments and writing. Digging in the dirt and turning compost are also effective for me. Tackling a local (illegal) dumpsite is another of my classics. I literally beat the pieces of that pile into pieces small enough to fit a trash bag. Not only vents my anger, it leaves the neighborhood a little nicer as a bonus. Hiking urban waterways is another fave.

Gentle validation while you sort what works for you. I am glad to hear you are working on it.

 

[Suprane]

@Gunsmith

I am new here and you described my thoughts also. I was bullied and abused as a child and teenager, not sexually, but in other mental ways and physically. I acted out. I also got good advice and help. But have always been in conflict trying to live life. My standout trauma events were , briefly, West Point Military Academy, a comatose 8 year old boy, a dead 9 year old girl and 62 years of dysfunction. I had to finally quit my job, three years early or I would have hurt a particular someone real bad. Now I live as far apart from society as I can get. Inside I hurt, am afraid and have a rage that I try very hard to contain. I never want to hurt anyone, I love people, but being around them gets my brain to whirling. Rage just exhausts me and leave me drained.

 

[Lukie]

In the months following my daughters abuse, I used to drive around town looking for her abuser. I wasn't even completely cognizant of the fact I was doing it, I'd be driving and just start taking side streets, looking. One time I did find him walking, and I had to turn around and drive past a couple times, deciding if I was going to run him over or not. Relief only came in the form of him leaving town. I won't claim to know what you're going through, or how you're feeling. But you're not alone in your anger. It's good that you're walking away when those thoughts get to be too much. I'm glad you're getting help, and hope you'll find those effective ways to vent that anger the others were talking about.

 

[scout86]

I can relate to what you're experiencing too.

My T told me a story that, ultimately, was weirdly helpful.

The story was about a tribe of Indians that only have 2 words for color. "Blue" and "Not blue", (Ok, that's really 3 words. I didn't point that out to him, so please don't go there with me.) He said that everything they see fits into those two categories. Their eyes are capable of picking up great diversity in "not blues" but, because they have no name for it, it's just "not blue".

Weird, interesting story.

A few days later, I was putting shoes on a horse for a lady. The horse is young and he was nervous. She's not exactly a great horse handler. Her BF was there. Nice guy, but totally clueless. There was a dog running around the barn. I had been going through a phase where I was a bit wound up. (Possibly part of the reason I got told the story.) The situation was potentially dangerous, because the people are idiots, nice, but idiots and I was a bit extra on guard. Then the idiot BF threw something at the dog who was BEHIND the horse I was working on, while I was under the horse, trying to nail on a shoe. (Someone could get hurt, like RIGHT NOW!)

I had a hammer in my hand. I was fixin' to use it on the idiot BF. As I started to let go of the foot and go for the idiot, I realized that there were a multitude of problems with what I was about to do. I more of less froze. Couldn't think of an option between "Kill the idiot" and "nothing".

"Blue and not blue" anyone?

When I cooled off enough to think about this. (Later, in other words.) I realized that THAT was exactly what I was doing and that THAT was the reason he told me the weird story that I didn't quite believe was literally true. I've started to make it a practice to pause and consider "How many ways can I think of to handle this?" when I get in those situations. So far, that has slowed me down enough that I haven't hit anyone. In fact, I'm finding I feel like hitting someone less and less often. As I'm coming to understand it, this sort of happens because that primitive part of our brains has a rather limited repertoire of possible responses. We have to train the so called higher functioning part of our brains to kick in instead.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

We have to train the so called higher functioning part of our brains to kick in instead.

I agree with Scout here. I used to vent my anger on furniture and doors, but that didn't help. It actually only was making it worse because I was enabling the angry feelings in a way. Still have some trouble with anger, but much less. It's important to let go of that tension in your body as soon as you feel it. Do some sports, something that makes you tired like what FridayJones mentioned.

It can be a b... to drain that tension out of your body, because a part of your psyche wants to hold on to the anger. Anger makes it feel more safe. The trick is to start realizing that you are safe without explosive rage too. Probably way more safe actually.

 

[regina72801]

I have felt with this since 1985. After my drink was spiked on my first date at 17. The result was my daughters and father's death. My anger has gotten further between. Although when it hits there seems to be no warning and very little control. You are doing the best by walking away.I have found. Separating myself from judgmental people helps. Expectations of others that can not see the world as I see it can be enlightening. The same people can also be dangerous. I have to be careful not to separate myself simply to isolate. Also sudden changes good or bad can set me off. Anything unexpected. Over the years. What has helped the most. Is talking about the details. During this is painful and scarey. Less over time.I used to think I didn't want to give them my darkness. That thought was based in fear. Sharing with others my pains allows them to get close to me. I don't share with my immediate family. They know the basics of the situation that is all. My AA sponsor and a few close friends kniw the details. Everything in life has ballance. I am very manipulative in nature. I can not allow myself to use this as a tool. If I am not careful I will without thought until after the fact. A few warnings now. If I am stressed my life is excessively busy. I have to take time to relieve this. Go to the gym. I have a kick bag hanging in a tree. All of these help. Most days life is normal now. I have recognized most triggers. The few triggers that sneak up on me. The gym and bag works wonders.

 

[Gunsmith]

Once I was an avid martial artist and cross country runner. In the Marines they give big guys like me the machine guns because we can pack more ammo. I received a significant lower back injury from getting tossed by rocket explosions. I'm not allowed to lift, it hurts to run, and my physical fitness has suffered greatly. In addition, while horribly embarrassing, I have a beautiful loving wife and ZERO sex drive. We've been intimate maybe six or seven times in the past few years. Hell I'd rather fix that then the temper!

 

[scout86]

More than likely the two things are related. When your more primitive brain is constantly on the look out for marauding saber toothed tigers, it's hard for any other activities to get past that.