Ptsd After Infidelity

[Jeff0204]

Hi everyone, I'm married 21 years with 2 children and recently found out my wife was having a supposes emotional affair with her ex husband...I have been struggling to understand. ..I have low self esteem now. Seem to have lost my desire for everything I once loved...I suffer now from anxiety and depression...I am trying to make it through the storm and save my marriage...each day I awake with anxiety and go to bed the same way...I have joined a gym done yoga and am trying to find myself again...this really crushed me and I went from a confident person to someone who has lost his self esteem and has a lot of self doubt...the hurt and pain in my heart is difficult to overcome...I just want to be myself again...I am also in therapy currently and forgive my wife and just want to try and rebuild my trust...the anxiety and depression are making it difficult to go on or get through this...

 

[BlueDream]

Hi Jeff
welcome to the forum. I have a couple question's if you don't mind.

Do you think you have PTSD because your wife cheated, or did you have it before?

And why do you want to make it work with someone who has betrayed you?

I'm just trying to understand a little more

 

[Jeff0204]

I feel she'll shocked from the whole ordeal....2 kids 21 years and don't want to give up that easily...I am exhibiting the symptoms of ptsd

 

[BlueDream]

I'm sorry for what you're going through I know it can be tough.

I'm pretty sure that they're similar threads on the form to the one you've posted right now, you may find some answers that you're looking for in those.

I'm sorry I don't feel I can really answer your questions or be of a whole lot of assistance to you I just didn't want you to feel like you got left hanging out there I know that can be tough too.
My perspective on marriage may be a little biased right now.

Hope you find some answers.

 

[Abstract]

Not from what you describe here Jeff. That doesn't minimise your experience at all. I hear that it is devastating. I hope you get support and healing. PTSD is something different. Specific and clinically defined experiences and clincally defined reactions after. One can't have PTSD unless one fits both of these. The experiences and reactions you desctibe don't fit these. That doesn't mean you haven't had them of course. You may just not be telling us them. What you have described doesn't fit though. It could fit a number of other things. All of which deserve to be helped.

Have you started seeing a therapist? An individual one? If you do want to try to make this work then I strongly suggest you see a couples therapist too. You need your own individual support though. Good luck.

 

[joeylittle]

I am also in therapy currently and forgive my wife and just want to try and rebuild my trust...the anxiety and depression are making it difficult to go on or get through this...

You need to try and be patient with yourself, if you can. it's going to take a little time. personally, I'd strongly, strongly suggest augmenting your individual therapy with some couples counseling - in many ways, you two are starting from scratch, but that can be a real opportunity.

You don't have PTSD from discovering the infidelity. This is a pretty hot-button topic, but according to the best that is understood about PTSD, it's not possible to have it from this kind of life upheaval.

It's very possible that you have adjustment disorder. This is a great tutorial on what that is: Adjustment disorders - Mayo Clinic

Please do not think of one as being 'more' than the other, or that, unless you have PTSD your experience isn't valid. Your experience is valid. And because the stressor is new, and in some ways ongoing (since you and your wife are trying to work things out), the approaches for adjustment disorder are more useful. Diagnoses are only words for bundles of events and symptoms; and only a doctor can diagnose, we can only talk from our own experiences and knowledge of the disorder(s). But, having a solid idea of one's diagnosis can provide organization to a treatment plan, and potentially avoid going down some unhelpful treatment pathways.

 

[LisaBlanca]

I found out my husband of 23 years had been seeing prostitutes. We are trying to work on it. The feelings of betrayal are monumental.

He attempted suicide and I stopped him and that's what triggered my PTSD. Gory and shocking, to say the least.

I hear you about not throwing away a long-term marriage. It's why I am still here at 23 years. It's hard, though, and I just wanted you to know I understand infidelity. I know it's not necessarily about sex, which, of course hurt my self-esteem. (I wanted to share that I 'get' the hurt.) I actually wanted more sex for years and he told me he had a low drive - he didn't. He is a control freak, so he hired sex workers. yep. F'd up. It hurts. Badly.

Yes, marital counseling may help, and we will do that, but right now, we are both up to our armpits in other individual therapy, so we have to hold off on marital. There's only so much we can work on at once and my EMDR therapist doesn't recommend marital counseling right now. Is your wife open to counseling? I hope you realize this as her choice, not your behavioral choice. This helped me. I didn't do anything to cause him to choose whores.

It's very traumatic to be in these shoes, whether "true PTSD" or not. I wanted to validate that. It's traumatic to have the rug ripped out from under you.

Rebuilding trust will take time, and that's okay. It won't happen right away. I don't know if this helps, but I have expressed multiple times to my husband that trust will be rebuilt through his actions, not through his words. Baby steps. Patience.

Just wanted to reach out.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Jeff,

I know infidelity sucks! Yes, I have been there. However the little "t" trauma from infidelity cannot even compare to the big "T" trauma that caused my PTSD. They're not even in the same realm.

It's incredibly easy to diagnose yourself using Google. (Yes, I've been there, too, only to have my doc say "nope!"----it wasn't PTSD I was suspecting as I've had it for years, rather I was suspecting another disorder.) Diagnosing is a complex process that is more involved than just looking at a list and checking off items.

I encourage you to seek out marital counseling. :hug:

 

[Jeff0204]

Thanks for everyone's advice....your right about it not being my choice or behavior that caused it...it has indeed ripped the rug out from under me and makes me doubt my self worth...I'm not angry just very sad that my life seems to be going into the toilet. ...a life and family that we built together....just siting here wondering what's real and what's an illusion..will I ever know the truth or do I want to know the truth. ..very confusing wave of emotions...hope she realizes the destruction of my self worth that she has caused...I would be so much better off if she had just told me she wasn't in love with me or didn't want to stay married instead of crushing me with this...thanks again for your sage advice. Best regards jeff