Ptsd And Disassociation Disorder

[Marcey]

I had been dating a combat vet for 2 months when he suddenly "changed"...I was shocked at the change of events and gradual detachment. He became someone I didn't recognize....he behaved so differently than what I had become accustomed to.

He seemed aware of this change and did reveal to me the fact that he was dealing with PTSD. Of course not really understanding what was happening, or what that meant, I searched (although gently and lovingly) for answers and he withdrew further and finally told me that although he loved me and was "everything he had ever wanted, looked for...he was unable to be more than friends at this time.".

This blew me away because there were times when he would tell me how much he loved me, that I made him "feel again...love again..." And then to hear that he couldn't have a relationship with me broke my heart.

Over the last month and a half we have had some contact, though minimal. Yesterday, he texted me that he was sorry he hurt me...broke my heart... but that because of his PTSD and situation it is impossible to be more than friends with me. Again he said he meant everything he said to me and that I was important to him. But this time it was signed "Love, Dusty". His name is NOT Dusty...he has never referred to himself as "Dusty" nor has he ever told me he had a nickname.

After considerable thought...I realized what just happened. I believe his alter ego had just contacted me...which in hindsight provides answers to many questions to things that just didn't make sense.

He has been in the Army and Army Nat'l Guard for 37 years. I do know that he experienced significant emotional trauma during his multiple tours in Afghanistan and Iraq...though he has not been able to share much of this with me.

Does this make sense to anyone? I would love someones opinion because I'm reeling right now...and as if my heart didn't break for the pain he was going through before...I would do anything and whatever I could do to help him feel loved and supported. I also feel terrible that I may have pressured him too much, not realizing what he was going through.

What can I do...is there ANYTHING I can do?

 

[Cufflinks]

Hi Marcey,

Firstly, welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place to search for answers.

I also have combat PTSD which I've had for many years now although it's got worse in the last few.

He sounds very confused and disoriented. If he's recently back from Afghan then he will be unwinding for some time. If he's been back a while then it sounds like a trigger has gone off somewhere. He could have seen an old friend, a news report from the same area he was in or just an article in the paper which has brought about some kind of flashback.

I find my own feelings bouncing between needing my partner to not wanting anyone and resenting them. If he's still in the forces then I hope he's getting their help. If he's left then he's almost certainly feeling isolated as it can be very hard to discuss the feelings of what you go through in combat.

The Dusty thing could just be his nickname in the forces. In the UK armed forces, anyone with the surname "Miller" is known as Dusty. If the contact is somewhat sporadic he may have forgoton that he hasn't told his nickname.

I know that in my case, what I really want and need is to know that there's somebody that cares and who can be there for me but without pushing for any answers. Everything takes time but the important thing is that he should be getting treatment.

 

[Abstract]

Hi and welcome,

It isn't the degree of trauma that causes the type of dissociative disorder that you are referring to. It is a combination of genetics, personality and early repeated trauma under the age of 5 (I believe they say 8 is the cut-off age). Some people see PTSD as a very simple form of the same thing - pockets of trauma which come along with behaviour and emotions attached to it - but it isn't the same as a separate identity with its own full personality. When we are triggered (PTSD way) then we can feel and think very very differently because we feel we are in present real danger.

I hope that helps.

 

[Marcey]

Thank you Cufflinks and Abstract for responding to my post. Yes, any and all information and insight is helpful.

My vet has been back from his last deployment since February, this year. That was Afghanistan. The priors were Iraq, 4 tours I believe. 2 were back to back. He told me has had PTSD for "years" and yes, he is getting treatment at a couple different levels. He is currently in a prolonged exposure program as well. He is on disability and expected to be retired this month. I know he has very mixed feelings about this. He also experiences frequent significant physical symptoms such as severe migraines, GI distress, back pain, etc.

He knows, as I have made it very clear, that he is cared about, and supported, and that I am here if and when he needs me.

So what do I do now? Do I sit and wait? Do I drop him a text and/or a card now and then? I would wait for him if he told me he wanted me to but he tells me he has no idea how, if ever, he's going come out on the other side of "this". He continues to say I'm important to him, and that should his situation or circumstances change, he WILL find me...and be back for me, but that he doesn't want me to turn my back on love with another should I find it because he doesn't know what he will be capable of giing me. This just rips my heart apart!!

I'm also a hospice nurse and I'm finding very difficult to be in a position where I am incapable of easing his pain...physical and emotional. I realize this is not about me, but when you care for someone...you NEED to help...and I feel helpless! :(

 

[Meadowsweet]

It sounds like you are doing everything just right Marcey, although I can understand how upsetting it must be to not be able to do more.

But I think in this situation, waiting and being there for him is all you can do for him. But you need to find a fulfilling life for you, don't just wait.

He does sound like he knows his condition well, and the advice he's giving you is perhaps best.

I wish you well.

 

[Marcey]

It sounds like you are doing everything just right Marcey, although I can understand how upsetting it must be to not be able to do more.

Thank you, Meadowsweet, for you words of encouragement and support. I miss him. I had decided that I would think of him as being deployed, on another mission, a mission to save himself this time. I thought I'd send him "care packages" now and then, just as I would do if he was deployed overseas. I told him to save himself, to fight for himself, and that I would be here when he "comes home".

I don't know if that's alright to do...or would it be best to just wait for him to contact me, if and when he is ready. He did say, he may NEVER be ready... God, I hope that's not true. Even if he decides I'm not what he wants I hope he can find peace, in his heart and mind...true happiness and the love he so deserves.

 

[Cufflinks]

He continues to say I'm important to him, and that should his situation or circumstances change, he WILL find me...and be back for me

Marcey, This is progress. I can't help feeling that it shows that he wants to be with you and that he loves you. Maybe he's beating himself up because he knows how hard it must be for you.

Others will have wiser words than me on this but I try to look on the positive and this definitely looks like a positive to me.

In the meantime you've come to the right place for support. I'm in the UK and I know that there are veterans charities who help wives/supporters as well as sufferers. Is there anything like that available for you (in the US?)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Marcey, I don't know so much about combat PTSD, but it is possible that reminders of combat might not be suitable for him. It is a positive way for you to see it, but I'm not sure if it would be for him.

 

[Cufflinks]

it is possible that reminders of combat might not be suitable

I would second that. I have huge problems coping with reminders of combat, alarm bells etc.