Ptsd And Finding A Mate

[Nicolette]

Brat17, while I hear you and totally identify with your experiences from being there myself..... The hardest thing to do is unlearn that those experiences represent the possible future. It is easy to label, tarnish all with the same brush after repeated bad experiences.

My advice to you is get your mindset to one where you realise the mistakes you made, learn to take notice of things you would ignore/excuse in the past, but give others a chance along with yourself. All you can control is your part & if you have learned from the past it will guide you to end up in a better position in the future.

 

[mamachick]

Anthony-what I meant was emotional intimacy and not sex. I can't be in a relationship without being real, meaning sharing who I really am if the situation or need arises. I'm not interested in sex with someone who I can't feel trust with. Thank you both Anthony and Nicolette-sound advice and appreciated.

 

[anthony]

Argh... sorry, my bad. Yes... emotional is the icing on the cake for a relationship. Couldn't agree more.

 

[Reclusive]

It might help you to write out what a healthy relationship for you would be. What traits would it have? What kind of experiences? What would you need to get out of it (for yourself)?

When you're done, keep the list and when you find yourself in a relationship situation, keep an eye on your list so you know when to bail.

 

[ktmarie71]

I dont have alot to offer on this subject...been married 21 years to my husband. we were really young at the time. But I can say from a female perspective...it is very appealing and sexy when a man has interests and activiies outside of work and can stand alone. I think many women want to feel that you want to spend time with her, not that you have to because you got nothing else. I dont think admitting to having PTSD is going to be a problem unless you indicate somehow you have no control over it. In fact it can be a positive if you can honestly say that its a challenge you are dealing with because then some women might think...hey this guy takes care of things, and he trusts me with this information, and he is obviously a very strong man because this didnt ruin him. I think its the way in which you tell people that says alot about if its a problem or not. If you tell them its something that is wrecking you or use it to excuse bad behavior or to get sympathy then she is smart to back off... Thats all Ive got. but I hope it wont be long until you find companionship.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Thank you KT.

Funny thing is, be it more ironic I suppose, if I wanted a one night stand, I could get it. Do I want it though? Nope. I want a woman to spend the rest of my life with. So many young women that will screw anything resembling a man in a heart beat, but won't even dare date a man that is looking for a long term relationship. And the same women whine endlessly how they can't find a man that's "willing to commit".

 

[anthony]

All you can do is put yourself out there, and test the waters slowly. The best place to meet people of your own age is usually clubs that are based on your age, or activities based around your age group.

I think the majority of dating sites these days have become more counter-productive to dating than anything... yet there are some who take it seriously screening each client first for matching. Often paid sites are better, as it reduces the tight arses who are just out for a freebie and quickie, or some teenager playing pranks.

 

[cherryblossom]

I understand how you feel CJ.

I'm a single woman of 38. Never been married, and have been single for longer than I can count (maybe 7-8 years?)

Am I ready for a relationship? My immediate answer would be no. But with more thought, maybe I would be, with the right person. I understand how lonely it can feel to be single. But I also actually think it makes us stronger. I have no choice but to fight my own battles, however big or small. Sometimes that's just an internal battle with myself - to force myself out to buy provisions when I would rather never leave the house again! Other times (like now), its a battle to save my job. But I'm determined not to let those bully-boy managers 'win'.

Yes, there are plenty of times that I can be my own worst enemy, but I honestly think that dealing with this PTSD shit on my own, is making me stronger. I have some family and friends who support me, but I honestly think that if I had a husband supporting me, I could easily become complacent in my own healing. ..... Anyway, I've gone a bit off on a tangent of what I really wanted to say....

I really do believe the old saying, that you have to love yourself, before anyone else will love you. Yes, it's an old cliché, but I think it's so true. I'm in therapy, and one thing I've learnt is that I don't give any value to myself. I suppose you could say that I have low self esteem. Very low! I would 'give' to a relationship, far more than I would 'take'. Which would completely set me up for a fall. Would leave me completely vulnerable, and a relationship would not be equal. I need to value myself more, before I can get into a relationship. At the moment, for me to have an 'equal' relationship, I would have to find someone with similar issues to me. For us to be 'equal', his self esteem, and self worth would have to be very low too. What a disaster we would be together!!!

I will improve my self esteem through therapy, and I will learn to control my PTSD. Maybe then I'll be 'ready' for a relationship - where I have a chance of meeting someone on a level with me, where our future was hopeful, and positive, not negative and depressing.

Just my thoughts ... although I think I've waffled on and I'm not sure I've made any sense?!!

 

[mamachick]

Cherryblossom I think you make a lot of sense. I understand that waffling.
On one hand, relationships are what life is about, and partner relationship is just one kind of relationship. Having some comfort that a relationship may bring is not a weakness or does not make one dependent on them. A relationship can make some of the most mundane tasks more enjoyable.

On the other hand, when there is conflict, it is difficult to seperate who's stuff it is. The stronger our foundation of our self is, the more likely will be able to see things accurately without loosing our footing.

After reviewing posts and giving much thought on this topic, I am staying open to the idea.

 

[ktmarie71]

Thank you KT.

Funny thing is, be it more ironic I suppose, if I wanted a one night stand, I could get it. Do I want it though? Nope. I want a woman to spend the rest of my life with. So many young women that will screw anything resembling a man in a heart beat, but won't even dare date a man that is looking for a long term relationship. And the same women whine endlessly how they can't find a man that's "willing to commit".

I understand the diffrence and why committed is much more appealing. I wonder if its just a matter of timing then...you know just hold off a little about talking about it being a long term relationship. I think that women especially are always trying to read men to make sure they are safe...not a stalker..or someone who might hurt them or lead them on. If a man starts talking about being together forever too soon its like a red flag....is this guy too desperate and will hurt me if this doesnt work out? I know there is alot of stuff out there about how women and men are equals and women are tough and just like men, and I am all for equality in the work place and things like that, but perhaps men now have the impression that we think like men and that women are not naturally a little more cautious, but its not altogether true. the fact is men are still for the most part physically intimidating, and I dont know one woman who doesnt worry just a little about ending up with a man who would become abusive.Even if they have never been abused. I think it makes women feel more confident about you if that sort of talk comes gradually...I know its tricky... you cant say it too soon or wait too long. such is love right...

 

[CreativJ]

Sadly, back when I was married, even in the middle of having sex, I felt so alone. So here I am, alone, seeking to find someone to fill that hole in my life. But fearful that my PTSD will scare them off; or it may hurt them; or again I will be so lonely.

Cactus_Jack,
I have to say that I have been in that same situation and I am a supporter someone with PTSD. To me, we as people don't love ourselves and we look outside of ourselves to find that love that we are so desperately seeking. Loneliness is something that I battle, but this is because I have a worth issue that I am attempting to overcome. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much people love me and love on me, if I am not comfortable in my own skin, I don't see it, feel it and won't acknowledge it. I hope that you love yourself enough to know your self worth and that you are worthy of and deserving of love, regardless of any issue you have in your life. I hope you find someone, but I hope that if you haven't already, you love yourself. Blessing on your journey of feeling love from yourselves and others. Maybe soon you will be surrounded with love not only intimately but also in all parts of your life so that you know that love is all encompassing in everything and everyone around you.

 

[CreativJ]

It might help you to write out what a healthy relationship for you would be. What traits would it have? What kind of experiences? What would you need to get out of it (for yourself)?

Reclusive, you gave good advice to me. It is important to know what you want, need and desire from yourself, from others in your life and especially in a relationship. I thing this works in other parts of your life and give you perspective on what is good for you at that given time. It has definitely helped me in figuring out what issues and situations trigger me and having an action plan on what I can deal with and what I can't as well as how to deal with the situation and when to utilize other resources. I will start doing the same thing with relationships I am in. To me this is part of creating boundaries and being able to communicate them to others so that they respect me and I respect them. Great advice that I will indeed be following.