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Poll PTSD and Marriage - How Many Times Have You Been Married?
- Post starter sunnydaze
- Start date
- Status
I've never been married at age 53 and I don't know if I plan to, except to get social security survivor benefits...paperwork. I lost a good
18 years of my life in my 30's and 40's because I was being Traumatized all those years. I wasn't free. The only interaction with anyone for these years was a store exchange.
I definitely have a foreshortened sense of living. I have a person in my life now who is also affected by my PTSD, but then I have to deal with his overall weirdness.
seaworthy
18 years of my life in my 30's and 40's because I was being Traumatized all those years. I wasn't free. The only interaction with anyone for these years was a store exchange.
I definitely have a foreshortened sense of living. I have a person in my life now who is also affected by my PTSD, but then I have to deal with his overall weirdness.
seaworthy
Well Gloria, please don't be disapointed any more. :) No, I am not making light of it, but I am guilty of mulitple marriages. FOUR, and one engagement. It is now out of the closet, and yes, I can absolutely chalk up this many ridiciulous marriages to PTSD, not being an irresponsible, needy, unrealistic kook. That seems to be the prevailing attitude towards those who fall in and out of matimony on a regular basis.
Yes, I was a victim and yes, until I faced this painful fact and then went through the pain of at least atempting to heal the resultant PTSD I was not at all able to relate to a man from the perspective of anything other than a prospective victim. Please do not misunderstand me. I do take responsibility for my role in this rotten, perpetual train wreck of an emotional life. It is mine alone, and I always feel incredibly foolish 'owning up' to 4 marraiges.
I'm lucky. I've been married for the fourth time for almost longer than the others combined. I feel fairly certain saying that at least 'this time' I not only have someone who genuinely loves me exactly as I am, but who wished to support me in my healing. He still does, and I absolutely realize it still must be extremely wearing for him at times. I don't think I'd be as far as I am if I had not met him, and I would not have even entertained the idea of yet another relationship ( much less marriage ) if I had not ended that whole destructive 'victim' mentality. It's also still extremely hard trusting anyone, but as I said, I'm lucky. He makes it as easy as it is possible for 'it' to be.
Being married for the FOURTH time is just one more thing to feel awful about when the PTSD decides to run away with my head, and it also makes it more likely I'll duck behind the comfort mechanisms of avoidance and isolation. We all know how easily one becomes 'squished' by the general judgements of society and being in a 4th marriage automatically opens one to negative reactions by others. I'll just have to deal with that, however. I got here all by myself, and am lucky the view from this place is as lovely as it is. We're ok, Gloria. :)
Take care,
Anni
Yes, I was a victim and yes, until I faced this painful fact and then went through the pain of at least atempting to heal the resultant PTSD I was not at all able to relate to a man from the perspective of anything other than a prospective victim. Please do not misunderstand me. I do take responsibility for my role in this rotten, perpetual train wreck of an emotional life. It is mine alone, and I always feel incredibly foolish 'owning up' to 4 marraiges.
I'm lucky. I've been married for the fourth time for almost longer than the others combined. I feel fairly certain saying that at least 'this time' I not only have someone who genuinely loves me exactly as I am, but who wished to support me in my healing. He still does, and I absolutely realize it still must be extremely wearing for him at times. I don't think I'd be as far as I am if I had not met him, and I would not have even entertained the idea of yet another relationship ( much less marriage ) if I had not ended that whole destructive 'victim' mentality. It's also still extremely hard trusting anyone, but as I said, I'm lucky. He makes it as easy as it is possible for 'it' to be.
Being married for the FOURTH time is just one more thing to feel awful about when the PTSD decides to run away with my head, and it also makes it more likely I'll duck behind the comfort mechanisms of avoidance and isolation. We all know how easily one becomes 'squished' by the general judgements of society and being in a 4th marriage automatically opens one to negative reactions by others. I'll just have to deal with that, however. I got here all by myself, and am lucky the view from this place is as lovely as it is. We're ok, Gloria. :)
Take care,
Anni
Gloria
Diamond Member
Anni,
It's wonderful that you have a good marriage. I envy you. I would say that you are lucky but I don't that luck has that much to do with it. It's take hard work and commitment for both you and your husband. Congratulations!
I remember long ago when I was only married four times. My friends have complimented me on getting my act together because I haven't been married for seven years now. I am proud to say that I refused three marriage proposals in the last few years. I was married to a wonderful man for many years and he lived with me for many years after our divorce. We talked daily and were very close until he died of alcoholism. So I was blessed with true love and it is a rare gift. Unfortunately, he wouldn't stop drinking even when I divorced him because of it.
I married some real characters and most of them were doctors and professors. (I like educated men.) My friends alway told me that I had to be crazy not to marry these guys because they were such good catches. But in reality when you deal with doctors and professors, you are dealing with huge egos also. I admit that I was a barbie doll wife that looked good and was good for their egos. I think I was only arm candy to them. I did have a lot nice weddings and great honeymoon vacations.
I am a good friend and so I have many long term frienships. My best friend and I met in kindergarten and we have been friends for fifty years! Whenever I think about getting a husband, I rescue a dog or cat or horse instead. You will see in my profile that I have A LOT of pets! LOL !!
Gloria
It's wonderful that you have a good marriage. I envy you. I would say that you are lucky but I don't that luck has that much to do with it. It's take hard work and commitment for both you and your husband. Congratulations!
I remember long ago when I was only married four times. My friends have complimented me on getting my act together because I haven't been married for seven years now. I am proud to say that I refused three marriage proposals in the last few years. I was married to a wonderful man for many years and he lived with me for many years after our divorce. We talked daily and were very close until he died of alcoholism. So I was blessed with true love and it is a rare gift. Unfortunately, he wouldn't stop drinking even when I divorced him because of it.
I married some real characters and most of them were doctors and professors. (I like educated men.) My friends alway told me that I had to be crazy not to marry these guys because they were such good catches. But in reality when you deal with doctors and professors, you are dealing with huge egos also. I admit that I was a barbie doll wife that looked good and was good for their egos. I think I was only arm candy to them. I did have a lot nice weddings and great honeymoon vacations.
I am a good friend and so I have many long term frienships. My best friend and I met in kindergarten and we have been friends for fifty years! Whenever I think about getting a husband, I rescue a dog or cat or horse instead. You will see in my profile that I have A LOT of pets! LOL !!
Gloria
Hi again Gloria,
Well there are an awful lot of similarites in our stories, which I've found is more common than one would think here.
Funny, but there's no need to elaborate on the whole massive ego/doc relationship. If there are any docs online please don't become offended, it's just that there does seem to be a plethora of docs endowed with more than a lion's share of riotous self-esteem. My abuser was a very wealthy, egomaniacal, coke-snortiing, alcoholic trauma surgeon. He was also my husband.
I'm not unfamiliar with the concept of being someone's maleable barbie doll, either. It does sound like you broke your self-repeating chain of self-harm with these men, however. You don't always have to have been regularly clocked or thrown down the stairs to be a victim. Once one is well-rehearsed in that role it's ridiculously easy to assume it again. I think you got out also, and we should be able to give ourselves a little gold star for at least getting this far away from that pattern with men.
I have done a lot of work, but on the other hand I was just plain lucky to have run across someone exactly like my husband at exactly the right time. I haven't taken the time to really do anything much to my profile, but he also inherited an awful lot of pets when he met me. :)
Hope today is a good one, and take care,
Anni
Well there are an awful lot of similarites in our stories, which I've found is more common than one would think here.
Funny, but there's no need to elaborate on the whole massive ego/doc relationship. If there are any docs online please don't become offended, it's just that there does seem to be a plethora of docs endowed with more than a lion's share of riotous self-esteem. My abuser was a very wealthy, egomaniacal, coke-snortiing, alcoholic trauma surgeon. He was also my husband.
I'm not unfamiliar with the concept of being someone's maleable barbie doll, either. It does sound like you broke your self-repeating chain of self-harm with these men, however. You don't always have to have been regularly clocked or thrown down the stairs to be a victim. Once one is well-rehearsed in that role it's ridiculously easy to assume it again. I think you got out also, and we should be able to give ourselves a little gold star for at least getting this far away from that pattern with men.
I have done a lot of work, but on the other hand I was just plain lucky to have run across someone exactly like my husband at exactly the right time. I haven't taken the time to really do anything much to my profile, but he also inherited an awful lot of pets when he met me. :)
Hope today is a good one, and take care,
Anni
Married once when I was quite young and didn't know better and I grew up with 2 very strict parents, the only way for me to move out was to get married...which I did at 21, not a great marriage at all and in fact I never really loved him.
I was happily single for about 4 years before meeting my new partner who told me he had PTSD on our second date but that he had recovered from it...LOL! I didn't really find out how dark ptsd can get until recently but even though that has been a difficult journey for me he is still more of man than any other man I know.
I was happily single for about 4 years before meeting my new partner who told me he had PTSD on our second date but that he had recovered from it...LOL! I didn't really find out how dark ptsd can get until recently but even though that has been a difficult journey for me he is still more of man than any other man I know.
'He is still more of a man than any man I know'. Sorry, I never do it correctly when I use the quote option so typed it out. :)
I get the idea that a lot of people with PTSD tend to also be terribly compassionate. I don't know if this would be a chicken/egg-which came first idea, but it's seemed that way from what I've seen. PTSD has many unproductive, harmful and negative implications but perhaps something positive is this 'thing' I keep seeing. Maybe it's because we have so much pain ourselves, and know what it looks like in others. There are a lot of lovely people here, at any rate, and it sounds as if your husband is one of them since that's how you feel about him.
Yes I know I derailed the thread slightly. :)
Take care,
Anni
I get the idea that a lot of people with PTSD tend to also be terribly compassionate. I don't know if this would be a chicken/egg-which came first idea, but it's seemed that way from what I've seen. PTSD has many unproductive, harmful and negative implications but perhaps something positive is this 'thing' I keep seeing. Maybe it's because we have so much pain ourselves, and know what it looks like in others. There are a lot of lovely people here, at any rate, and it sounds as if your husband is one of them since that's how you feel about him.
Yes I know I derailed the thread slightly. :)
Take care,
Anni
onebravegirl
Gold Member
YOU are halarious! What a great attitude, and you are right, cats make verything better.
O
onebravegirl
Gold Member
Married twice, egaged I don't know how many times. TONS of boyfriends-not trying to brag-I find it kinda sad.
FINALLY I have a great guy. He stuck with me, and that has made me love him all the more.
It wasn't until I picked someone the COMPLETE opposite of my father that I got it right.
O
FINALLY I have a great guy. He stuck with me, and that has made me love him all the more.
It wasn't until I picked someone the COMPLETE opposite of my father that I got it right.
O
pacificblue
New Here
Married once - 8 year anniversary yesterday. Incredibly lucky - I would have left me a long time ago...
Married once. We've been together for nearly 17 years, and are sticking it out come hell or high water (and sometimes it feels like both!). We both have our issues, I, PTSD, he, hemi-crania continua, a painful chronic illness. But overall, I feel very blessed by this relationship. Ironically, each of us have begged the other to leave when we were very ill and didn't want the other to suffer.
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