Ptsd And Passive-aggresive Husband

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm so happy I found this chat. Up until recently, I was married to a man with severe ptsd. We are now separated. My chi...

May I ask a question? I have been battling PTSD for 4 years now. My children were very young when this first started and to some extent don't know anything different in the home. What do you mean by "secondary ptsd"?

 

[mamachick]

My daughter while in law school got mad at me and had given me a check that I had already deposited. She asked her dad how to stop payment. That all he will admit to, but she says he agreed it was ok to stop pmt since she was mad. We talked things out and so she told me that my check might come back, that she stopped pmt on rent check that was lost. I called her on it and she denied. I told her dad and he told me I was crazy, I didn't even trust my f...ing daughter. Then it happened, they took out of my account and everything bounced and I had $300 in fee's. It was a big mess. I got bank records and she had to admit. Then I found out he knew her plan all along and when I told him I believed she did it deliberately, I was the nut here. He cussed me out. My therapist said they collude. This is not the first, just one incident since he has colluded with my daughters since they were about 10 yrs old. He let her pick out an SUV when my mother was dying and she was 12. This is typical and I have overlooked this stuff many times.

I have no idea what it would feel like to trust.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

My daughter while in law school got mad at me and had given me a check that I had already deposited. She...

I don't either, brat. :( I have noticed that my husband does similar - but benign - stuff with my kids. If I call him on it, he's just trying to be a good dad, and I'm just paranoid.

Well, no shit I'm paranoid!

 

[mamachick]

It sucks to not have anyone you can really trust. It makes my view so distorted, but better prepared....I have no contact with kids anymore and that is probably better for all. Sometimes I feel like just disappearing but I think that is what he wants, so afraid of sharing life savings. I won't do it, he will have to kill me first!

 

[AVR1962]

May I add into this thread again? I know I already put in a few responses, but I'd just like to ask a...

Yes, please do add to the thread.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Brat, are you in therapy? Do you see any way out of this emotional quagmire?

I want to say that I trust everyone here on this forum, but if I dig deep enough, I guess I'm expecting to be abandoned here, as well

 

[AVR1962]

AVR1962, thanks so much for making me not feel alone. You and your story were written for me, in fact for m...

JB2, do you know what you are going to do? He said some terrible things to you and he is not treating you well. You said you love him, I know this has to hurt. It takes two people to work together to better the relationship and grow together. One person cannot make a marriage work.

 

[AVR1962]

AVR-As I began reading, you could have been writing about my life. Your strength is very inspiring.
I mar...

Brat17, thank you for sharing. Reading your experiences with your husband I understood all too well. I leave for my new home in just a few days and husband has been trying to be nice and has been trying to work with me, something I have not had for most of the marriage. While packing up my things I found a journal from 2 years ago that detailed the hurt and pain I was dealing with from my husband's PA behavior. I will keep it and read and reread if I ever think this man has changed as I know he can be nice when he wants to be but as soon as he gets what he wants he is always back to his same old hurtful behaviors.

 

[mamachick]

And they always do get what they want, but they really don't, because fear is what they are made of and don't even know it. I wish I had those old journals. I don't expect anything anymore so will not be hurt in that sense, but know he can't really be trusted either.

I am so happy that you have been able to move on. For now, I have accepted that I am just not able to but have to set boundaries and have conflicts similar to others descriptions on here.

 

[mamachick]

Ironically, I found this post recently when the circumstances were hitting me again, and having many regrets. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now.
I separated from my PA husband for more than 13 yrs and never got a divorce. The past year or so, due to my health problems, he has moved back in on me, not discussed thoroughly, but letting a day or two side has become permanent.

Lately, I am not even feeling I have my own space. He stays in another bedroom and we can be friends. When I least expect it, he says or does something totally inappropriate, often of sexual nature and out of the blue, just even socially off. This brings about panic attacks for me. He is intrusive at times. My anxiety level has been sky high all week. I have become the avoider. My assertive style has made me feel crazy. Plus, his control has led me to believe that I can not make it on my own even though kids are now grown.

I feel so incredibly stupid for thinking that our friendship would be successful since neither of us have been involved in another relationship and we still own property together. I am just more stuck I think. I think I have become convinced that there is only one way out, and it is not what I would want. I am seeing my T next week.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Yes, please do add to the thread.

I have a PA husband. I'm not going to make excuses for his behavior. I have a really serious situation coming up that has a lot of stressors in it. The advice and suggestions I got from those who responded to the thread I posted have been very supportive and helpful and I've started putting together a plan for it based on the advice shared.

The reason I wanted to add onto this thread is that my husband often uses belitling and indifference to the issues that are very important to me. ex this work coming up. I feel completely unimportant. He refuses to acknowledge any issues regarding my ptsd and I'm not even sure if he is aware of just how much he contributed to it right from the start. How do you deal with that? I love him very much and don't want to separate. I'm seeing a therapist, but it's specifically for my PTSD. Not marriage. He's not willing to even address our issues until I'm "fixed". He does acknowledge the problems as he sees them and hopefully we will seek marriage counselling when the time comes.

In the meantime what do you do when the person who means the most to you constantly ignores what is so important to you? Responds in a dismissive way? Makes jokes about you in front of your kids or friends, yet acts the perfect husband in front of others? I feel like I need a hug from him, acknowledgement that this is hard for me even if he doesn't get it. How do I deal with this?