My story isn't unique, perhaps a few contextual details differ here and there. For the most part I've read many similar stories on these forums.
My boyfriend has PTSD and TBI sustained from combat during his 20 years in the military. He retired 4 years ago and previously dated a woman he described as emotionally abusive and expected perfection from their relationship in order for her to feel happy. His mother abandoned he and his sister at a young age and his stepmother was both emotionally and physically abusive. He has previously gone to therapy and has medication but chooses not to take them.
I'm diagnosed with Depression and have anxiety issues which I have been seeking therapy for - it's been almost a year.
We met online this time last year and hit it off, despite the physical distance. He is in the US and I'm 8000 miles away. We've been together going on 8 months and fly to one another every 3 months or so. Up until recently, things were going really well, we would contact one another on a daily basis, whether it was a text, an email or FaceTime. We never set up regular dates but we naturally settled into a schedule with regular communication. He was always forthcoming with his diagnoses and never used it as an excuse. Sometimes he forgets things or if he isn't feeling well he has told me and we don't talk until he contacts me again. It's never more than a day or two where he has needed space.
For my birthday he gifted me flights to see him and spend a month in the US with him. The week before I was meant to fly out he had returned from a business trip, I wasn't doing too well myself with low mood and got upset by a few things he said over a call. He could tell I wasn't happy but I wasn't ready to talk about it, so I emailed him instead as he requested. He responded in a day, quite angry and frustrated, asking why I couldn't empathise with his situation - bad business trip, tired, bad flights etc. He also mentioned how he has been worried about me in recent months because of my low mood. Things I've shared with him because he asked and he has always emphasised open and honest communication. He also threw in the fact work had thrown in additional business trips during my visit. This meant the visit had to be postponed. Fair enough, he couldn't get out of it. But then, despite saying in his email he would contact me the next day, there was radio silence for three days. In that time, he cancelled my flights without telling me and I only knew because I had logged onto my airline account.
We finally ended up speaking after three days. He brushed over the postponement of the visit, that he had business trips and would have only been able to see me for 7 days in the time that I was over there. He focused on my email and we discussed why I was upset. He had misinterpreted me bringing up my upset as me questioning his commitment to and the stability of our relationship and said I had written it in the email. I refuted this and he even pulled up the email to check and realised his mistake. He brought up his ex and said he was making a comparison, that he made a promise to himself if any future partner expected perfection from him and the relationship he wouldn't want to be a part of it. He saw my upset as nitpicking over very minor things but my rationale for sending him the email was because he wanted to know what was going on with me, so I told him. Somehow it just warped into something I didn't expect. He said he just wanted one thing to be going right in his life and then he gets my email and he felt like it was going downhill. He acknowledged he hadn't communicated with me as to how much pressure he has been under at work and finally told me during the call. He said he hasn't felt this much pressure in a job since Afghanistan and Iraq and if they keep piling on the work he is going to quit. This man isn't a quitter and when he said this I realised how his stress cup was definitely overflowing. I mentioned that I want to support and empathise with him but I can't if he doesn't tell me what's going on. He came back and said he was always brought up to never b**** and moan about his job and the military reinforced that even moreso.
During the conversation, I forgot to bring up the flights but I was also exhausted from the lack of sleep during the previous three days. By the end of the call, I asked if we were okay and he said yes, and I made one request, that in future if he were busy, needed more time or space to just let me know, even if it were a short text saying he is alive. He said yes he would do that, apologised for the 3 day radio silence and blew me a kiss and then said he had more work emails to tend to. Tomorrow is a month to the day since I've heard from him.
He didn't ask for space but I have given it to him. I've only sent two texts and three emails in this time, with short messages telling him that I'm thinking of him and I know he is busy. My third email however, sent yesterday, did bring up my confusion as to this silence and lack of contact. I told him I'm committed to this relationship but if he isn't then I'd appreciate him saying so, in order for me to move on - I guess I caved in giving him space.
At this point, I still feel like I'm in limbo. I also feel like I'm slowly letting go but there's a part of me that is still holding onto hope because this is so out of character for him. I love the man but I also realise that love can only go so far and it takes two to be in a relationship.
Feel free to comment and offer your two cents, advice and experiences - supporters and sufferers alike. Any insight is greatly appreciated!
My boyfriend has PTSD and TBI sustained from combat during his 20 years in the military. He retired 4 years ago and previously dated a woman he described as emotionally abusive and expected perfection from their relationship in order for her to feel happy. His mother abandoned he and his sister at a young age and his stepmother was both emotionally and physically abusive. He has previously gone to therapy and has medication but chooses not to take them.
I'm diagnosed with Depression and have anxiety issues which I have been seeking therapy for - it's been almost a year.
We met online this time last year and hit it off, despite the physical distance. He is in the US and I'm 8000 miles away. We've been together going on 8 months and fly to one another every 3 months or so. Up until recently, things were going really well, we would contact one another on a daily basis, whether it was a text, an email or FaceTime. We never set up regular dates but we naturally settled into a schedule with regular communication. He was always forthcoming with his diagnoses and never used it as an excuse. Sometimes he forgets things or if he isn't feeling well he has told me and we don't talk until he contacts me again. It's never more than a day or two where he has needed space.
For my birthday he gifted me flights to see him and spend a month in the US with him. The week before I was meant to fly out he had returned from a business trip, I wasn't doing too well myself with low mood and got upset by a few things he said over a call. He could tell I wasn't happy but I wasn't ready to talk about it, so I emailed him instead as he requested. He responded in a day, quite angry and frustrated, asking why I couldn't empathise with his situation - bad business trip, tired, bad flights etc. He also mentioned how he has been worried about me in recent months because of my low mood. Things I've shared with him because he asked and he has always emphasised open and honest communication. He also threw in the fact work had thrown in additional business trips during my visit. This meant the visit had to be postponed. Fair enough, he couldn't get out of it. But then, despite saying in his email he would contact me the next day, there was radio silence for three days. In that time, he cancelled my flights without telling me and I only knew because I had logged onto my airline account.
We finally ended up speaking after three days. He brushed over the postponement of the visit, that he had business trips and would have only been able to see me for 7 days in the time that I was over there. He focused on my email and we discussed why I was upset. He had misinterpreted me bringing up my upset as me questioning his commitment to and the stability of our relationship and said I had written it in the email. I refuted this and he even pulled up the email to check and realised his mistake. He brought up his ex and said he was making a comparison, that he made a promise to himself if any future partner expected perfection from him and the relationship he wouldn't want to be a part of it. He saw my upset as nitpicking over very minor things but my rationale for sending him the email was because he wanted to know what was going on with me, so I told him. Somehow it just warped into something I didn't expect. He said he just wanted one thing to be going right in his life and then he gets my email and he felt like it was going downhill. He acknowledged he hadn't communicated with me as to how much pressure he has been under at work and finally told me during the call. He said he hasn't felt this much pressure in a job since Afghanistan and Iraq and if they keep piling on the work he is going to quit. This man isn't a quitter and when he said this I realised how his stress cup was definitely overflowing. I mentioned that I want to support and empathise with him but I can't if he doesn't tell me what's going on. He came back and said he was always brought up to never b**** and moan about his job and the military reinforced that even moreso.
During the conversation, I forgot to bring up the flights but I was also exhausted from the lack of sleep during the previous three days. By the end of the call, I asked if we were okay and he said yes, and I made one request, that in future if he were busy, needed more time or space to just let me know, even if it were a short text saying he is alive. He said yes he would do that, apologised for the 3 day radio silence and blew me a kiss and then said he had more work emails to tend to. Tomorrow is a month to the day since I've heard from him.
He didn't ask for space but I have given it to him. I've only sent two texts and three emails in this time, with short messages telling him that I'm thinking of him and I know he is busy. My third email however, sent yesterday, did bring up my confusion as to this silence and lack of contact. I told him I'm committed to this relationship but if he isn't then I'd appreciate him saying so, in order for me to move on - I guess I caved in giving him space.
At this point, I still feel like I'm in limbo. I also feel like I'm slowly letting go but there's a part of me that is still holding onto hope because this is so out of character for him. I love the man but I also realise that love can only go so far and it takes two to be in a relationship.
Feel free to comment and offer your two cents, advice and experiences - supporters and sufferers alike. Any insight is greatly appreciated!
