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General Ptsd? Army Veteran Boyfriend Just Broke Up With Me Via Text... Devastated :(
- Post starter BlondeBarbie50
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- #26
BlondeBarbie50
New Here
Hey, guys! I know I haven't been on here in awhile, but I just wanted to touch base and let you all know how things turned out after a few months. Thank you all for your responses and encouraging words...that really means a lot and helps extremely to know I am not alone in all this! :)
First of all, I think I messed up on the number of years he served in the Army. I don't remember exactly how many it was now, but at the time I remember thinking that number was too high. I apologize...that was totally my bad, but am pretty sure he enlisted when he was 18.
So, I ended up sending him the novel-length Facebook message and just left it alone, as hard as that was to do! :( I talked with my mom who is a guidance counselor and continued to research and read posts regarding PTSD...reading about both actual sufferers and caregivers helped me heal much more than you know! And the letter served as my type of closure to myself that I needed to end that chapter and move on. My advice to anyone dealing with this is to go on forums like this and continue researching...you are not alone and you will get through it! :) Also, I realize some may argue with this, but I personally found that going out with my friends and trying to move on with dating helped me out, although not at first! Take time to heal and then when you're all cried out, don't sit around and continue to be miserable. Go out, with friends or otherwise, and have fun and enjoy life. I am by no means recommending getting into another relationship before you're completely healed...I'm just saying don't wallow for too long. The type of pain I experienced was extremely intense but relatively short...it hurt like hell for a month or so but eventually I made it to be an out of sight out of mind thing. Do NOT cyber stalk them either...don't look at their FB or any other online profile...that will only prolong the pain. Cut off all contact completely and move on with your life and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, as hard as that is to do! :)
So, did I ever hear from him again? Yes...
He sent me a text on August 4th, exactly 3 months to the day he sent me the "breakup" text at 2:20 in the morning. The text simply said "I need a buddy. Need your help." I responded later that day and just said "Are you okay??" I heard nothing...
On August 7th, I sent him a text that said "You know that I'm here for you...just like I told you I would be. I do care about you and want nothing but the best for you and your life. If I can do anything to help you, please let me know." Again nothing...until...
I was downtown on Aug. 11 with a bunch of my friends celebrating one of my girlfriend's birthday parties. He called me around midnight (the 1st time I had a call from him since we were together). But my phone was in my pocket and it was loud so I missed the call. I texted him saying "Sorry I missed your call--I'm downtown and can't hear anything anyways...it's so loud. :( What's up?" He just responded and told me to have a great time. I said it would be more fun if he was with me and asked him what he was up to that night. He said he was out with his friends singing karaoke and to make a long story short, he PRETENDED to be extremely wasted. What do I mean by pretended? I'll get to that. I asked if he had a ride home and told him I just wanted him to be safe. He replied that he did need a ride. I rode downtown with one of my friends and my car was actually parked only about a few miles from the bar where he said he was. I told him I had no idea where that bar was but if he could somehow make it to my car I would take him home. He agreed...and called me when I was on my way acting totally hammered. Well, of course I believed that he truly was, since I had seen him that way in the past. I got to my car...he got out and looked at me just the way he used to and hugged me for an extended period of time. I felt all of my feelings coming back but my guard was definitely up this time! He got in and began the drive to his house...we started to talk a little about what happened, but most of that came when we were actually at his house.
He and his room mate had moved, so he now lived in a new house than the one I knew of. When we got to his house, he gave me a tour and eventually sat down on the couch to talk. He was playing music in the background and got up and started to clean. He said that he couldn't look me in the eye when talking to me and that he just had to keep busy to get his true feelings out. I reassured him it was okay. Here's the long and short of what he said...
First of all, I asked him if he read my FB message; he had not. He told me that I intimidated the you know what out of him. Although he had been in the Army for a number of years and been through some hardcore stuff, he had never met someone in his life that intimidated him like I did. He said I was absolutely perfect (I'm not by the way lol) and that he wished he could be as perfect of a person as I am but knows that he never can. Basically, he got scared and ran...not just withdrew...hauled a** out of there and never looked back! All the while, he continued to live his life like nothing had happened. He said he just wasn't good enough for me. He said that he would like to try to move on with me, as friends first and take things slow. He said he understood it would take a very long time before he earned my trust back but was willing to take baby steps. I naturally was hesitant, but I agreed. I didn't give him any grief...just simply tried to understand and hear his side of the story for the first time. We just talked a little more after that and then I left to go home. I asked if I could have my movies back and he said, absolutely, but not tonight...you'll be back.
He walked me to my car and asked when he could see me again. I said I don't know. He asked if I was free tomorrow (a Sunday) and I said tomorrow night should be okay. We hugged and parted ways. He called me late Sunday around 10 and asked if I still wanted to hang out. I asked if we could do it another night since it was already late and I had to be at work early the next day. I asked him if Monday was good and he said yes. So, I called him Monday during the day and didn't hear anything...and just waited. He sent me a text at 7:36 p.m. that said "Hey sweetheart. I'm not going to be able to hang out this evening. I have to hang out with one of my guys." That was IT for me...I was thinking here we go again and although I was excited to hang out with him again, I definitely withheld excitement because I knew something like this would happen. I had my guard up and it would take a LONG time before I let it down with him...I just said okay. I did send him a text on September 10 that said "Hey, babe...I really would like to see you soon." Haven't heard a word since, and moving on with my life for good this time.
Will he pop up again someday? Who knows...but I cannot wait around and put my life on hold to find out. I really do love him and want nothing but the best for him, but I'm simply not willing to wait around and put my personal life on hold for something so uncertain. Also, after much thought and reflection, I have realized that I can't live the rest of my life that way. Anyone that chooses to stick it out with their partner had my utmost respect and admiration. I just decided for myself that I cannot do it. Since then, I have continued to date and experienced the normalcy of relationships. I know PTSD is not his fault and I will ALWAYS be in his life as his friend if he wants me to be.
I apologize for such a long post, but I hope that I have helped at least one person by sharing my experiences and final decision. I cannot tell anyone else what to do, as everyone's relationship is different and people want different things in life. Whatever you may decide, always remember to take care of yourself first, mentally, physically, and every way possible! Life is too short to be miserable...live it up guys! Take care!!! :-)
First of all, I think I messed up on the number of years he served in the Army. I don't remember exactly how many it was now, but at the time I remember thinking that number was too high. I apologize...that was totally my bad, but am pretty sure he enlisted when he was 18.
So, I ended up sending him the novel-length Facebook message and just left it alone, as hard as that was to do! :( I talked with my mom who is a guidance counselor and continued to research and read posts regarding PTSD...reading about both actual sufferers and caregivers helped me heal much more than you know! And the letter served as my type of closure to myself that I needed to end that chapter and move on. My advice to anyone dealing with this is to go on forums like this and continue researching...you are not alone and you will get through it! :) Also, I realize some may argue with this, but I personally found that going out with my friends and trying to move on with dating helped me out, although not at first! Take time to heal and then when you're all cried out, don't sit around and continue to be miserable. Go out, with friends or otherwise, and have fun and enjoy life. I am by no means recommending getting into another relationship before you're completely healed...I'm just saying don't wallow for too long. The type of pain I experienced was extremely intense but relatively short...it hurt like hell for a month or so but eventually I made it to be an out of sight out of mind thing. Do NOT cyber stalk them either...don't look at their FB or any other online profile...that will only prolong the pain. Cut off all contact completely and move on with your life and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, as hard as that is to do! :)
So, did I ever hear from him again? Yes...
He sent me a text on August 4th, exactly 3 months to the day he sent me the "breakup" text at 2:20 in the morning. The text simply said "I need a buddy. Need your help." I responded later that day and just said "Are you okay??" I heard nothing...
On August 7th, I sent him a text that said "You know that I'm here for you...just like I told you I would be. I do care about you and want nothing but the best for you and your life. If I can do anything to help you, please let me know." Again nothing...until...
I was downtown on Aug. 11 with a bunch of my friends celebrating one of my girlfriend's birthday parties. He called me around midnight (the 1st time I had a call from him since we were together). But my phone was in my pocket and it was loud so I missed the call. I texted him saying "Sorry I missed your call--I'm downtown and can't hear anything anyways...it's so loud. :( What's up?" He just responded and told me to have a great time. I said it would be more fun if he was with me and asked him what he was up to that night. He said he was out with his friends singing karaoke and to make a long story short, he PRETENDED to be extremely wasted. What do I mean by pretended? I'll get to that. I asked if he had a ride home and told him I just wanted him to be safe. He replied that he did need a ride. I rode downtown with one of my friends and my car was actually parked only about a few miles from the bar where he said he was. I told him I had no idea where that bar was but if he could somehow make it to my car I would take him home. He agreed...and called me when I was on my way acting totally hammered. Well, of course I believed that he truly was, since I had seen him that way in the past. I got to my car...he got out and looked at me just the way he used to and hugged me for an extended period of time. I felt all of my feelings coming back but my guard was definitely up this time! He got in and began the drive to his house...we started to talk a little about what happened, but most of that came when we were actually at his house.
He and his room mate had moved, so he now lived in a new house than the one I knew of. When we got to his house, he gave me a tour and eventually sat down on the couch to talk. He was playing music in the background and got up and started to clean. He said that he couldn't look me in the eye when talking to me and that he just had to keep busy to get his true feelings out. I reassured him it was okay. Here's the long and short of what he said...
First of all, I asked him if he read my FB message; he had not. He told me that I intimidated the you know what out of him. Although he had been in the Army for a number of years and been through some hardcore stuff, he had never met someone in his life that intimidated him like I did. He said I was absolutely perfect (I'm not by the way lol) and that he wished he could be as perfect of a person as I am but knows that he never can. Basically, he got scared and ran...not just withdrew...hauled a** out of there and never looked back! All the while, he continued to live his life like nothing had happened. He said he just wasn't good enough for me. He said that he would like to try to move on with me, as friends first and take things slow. He said he understood it would take a very long time before he earned my trust back but was willing to take baby steps. I naturally was hesitant, but I agreed. I didn't give him any grief...just simply tried to understand and hear his side of the story for the first time. We just talked a little more after that and then I left to go home. I asked if I could have my movies back and he said, absolutely, but not tonight...you'll be back.
He walked me to my car and asked when he could see me again. I said I don't know. He asked if I was free tomorrow (a Sunday) and I said tomorrow night should be okay. We hugged and parted ways. He called me late Sunday around 10 and asked if I still wanted to hang out. I asked if we could do it another night since it was already late and I had to be at work early the next day. I asked him if Monday was good and he said yes. So, I called him Monday during the day and didn't hear anything...and just waited. He sent me a text at 7:36 p.m. that said "Hey sweetheart. I'm not going to be able to hang out this evening. I have to hang out with one of my guys." That was IT for me...I was thinking here we go again and although I was excited to hang out with him again, I definitely withheld excitement because I knew something like this would happen. I had my guard up and it would take a LONG time before I let it down with him...I just said okay. I did send him a text on September 10 that said "Hey, babe...I really would like to see you soon." Haven't heard a word since, and moving on with my life for good this time.
Will he pop up again someday? Who knows...but I cannot wait around and put my life on hold to find out. I really do love him and want nothing but the best for him, but I'm simply not willing to wait around and put my personal life on hold for something so uncertain. Also, after much thought and reflection, I have realized that I can't live the rest of my life that way. Anyone that chooses to stick it out with their partner had my utmost respect and admiration. I just decided for myself that I cannot do it. Since then, I have continued to date and experienced the normalcy of relationships. I know PTSD is not his fault and I will ALWAYS be in his life as his friend if he wants me to be.
I apologize for such a long post, but I hope that I have helped at least one person by sharing my experiences and final decision. I cannot tell anyone else what to do, as everyone's relationship is different and people want different things in life. Whatever you may decide, always remember to take care of yourself first, mentally, physically, and every way possible! Life is too short to be miserable...live it up guys! Take care!!! :-)
- Post starter
- #27
BlondeBarbie50
New Here
Sorry, I left out how he PRETENDED to be drunk...
When we talked, he was actually sober and in his right mind. He admitted that he had mislead me a little bit on purpose. He said that he pretended to be so drunk just to have an excuse to get me to hang out with him and talk. He said he just couldn't see calling me normally and explaining himself after so long...so basically, he played the victim/damsel in distress card to get me to hang out with him...since he knew he could count on me to be there for him. Messed up?? Maybe...but I suppose it doesn't really matter now.
When we talked, he was actually sober and in his right mind. He admitted that he had mislead me a little bit on purpose. He said that he pretended to be so drunk just to have an excuse to get me to hang out with him and talk. He said he just couldn't see calling me normally and explaining himself after so long...so basically, he played the victim/damsel in distress card to get me to hang out with him...since he knew he could count on me to be there for him. Messed up?? Maybe...but I suppose it doesn't really matter now.
Thanks for the update. Not many update on here about what happens afterwards. I am supporter and just broke up with my sufferer two days ago. This forum helps a lot and makes me feel less alone. I still feel guilty, like I abandoned him and still love and care about him very much but I need to focus on my goals and future....
HisBreeBree
New Here
I know what you're going through all too well, minus the alcoholism and temper. You can contact me if you want to talk.
M
Marie03219121
This is way late and I'm not sure if you'll see this but wow... reading this was like reading about myself in my current situation-almost exactly the same!
My ex boyfriend of only 5 months was in the marines. He was in it for 4 years and just got done in March. He was in combat and had been shot overseas, almost hit in the head, lost so many friends and when I asked if he had killed anyone (stupid question-I know) he never answered me.
He definitely resorts to alcohol every single day and has bailed on me so many times to drink with his friends. It was so funny though because he initiated everything. He met my whole family (he insisted), I met his parents and close friends. He invited me on his family vacations, brought up dating me exclusively and even hypothetically joked about "our kids" someday. He told me a few times that he was never going to let me go.
He was perfect for me. We balanced each other so well and I felt so comfortable with him. He was funny, extremely kind and patient with me and we seemed to just click.
One day he bailed on a plan he made a week before (he was so excited to take me to this place he kept talking about). I found him drinking at my work with his friend and he tried to leave before I got there. I was so mad, I sent him an angry text too saying how I felt he didn't actually care (he apologized a few times before that). After that, I heard nothing from him-not a single word. Weeks went by, he deleted me (and my friend that added him) off facebook and never said anything. Its been a month and haven't heard from him still. He stopped going into my work. He just disappeared.
Now I'm heart broken, everything was great until that day, he didn't even show signs that he was going to stop talking to me-just that one little text threw him off the edge I guess.
People kept telling me he probably had PTSD but I wasn't sure so I started reading about it and it does make sense for him. He was always extremely protective of me (almost got into a few fights with other guys when we went out), was always aware of everything and drank heavily-sometimes he seemed sad or depressed. I'm not saying he 100% has it but it is a good possibility.
I'm glad you got through it and found some sort of closure! Your situation seemed horrible as well! I guess the moving on is the hardest part!
My ex boyfriend of only 5 months was in the marines. He was in it for 4 years and just got done in March. He was in combat and had been shot overseas, almost hit in the head, lost so many friends and when I asked if he had killed anyone (stupid question-I know) he never answered me.
He definitely resorts to alcohol every single day and has bailed on me so many times to drink with his friends. It was so funny though because he initiated everything. He met my whole family (he insisted), I met his parents and close friends. He invited me on his family vacations, brought up dating me exclusively and even hypothetically joked about "our kids" someday. He told me a few times that he was never going to let me go.
He was perfect for me. We balanced each other so well and I felt so comfortable with him. He was funny, extremely kind and patient with me and we seemed to just click.
One day he bailed on a plan he made a week before (he was so excited to take me to this place he kept talking about). I found him drinking at my work with his friend and he tried to leave before I got there. I was so mad, I sent him an angry text too saying how I felt he didn't actually care (he apologized a few times before that). After that, I heard nothing from him-not a single word. Weeks went by, he deleted me (and my friend that added him) off facebook and never said anything. Its been a month and haven't heard from him still. He stopped going into my work. He just disappeared.
Now I'm heart broken, everything was great until that day, he didn't even show signs that he was going to stop talking to me-just that one little text threw him off the edge I guess.
People kept telling me he probably had PTSD but I wasn't sure so I started reading about it and it does make sense for him. He was always extremely protective of me (almost got into a few fights with other guys when we went out), was always aware of everything and drank heavily-sometimes he seemed sad or depressed. I'm not saying he 100% has it but it is a good possibility.
I'm glad you got through it and found some sort of closure! Your situation seemed horrible as well! I guess the moving on is the hardest part!
H
Herewegoagaingirl
Hi ladies,
looks like we had the same stories...
so i wont elaborate on mine as what you have gone through... i went through just 2 weeks ago....
He was so awesome to me... had fight with me, i broke up with him... tried to get back... but he was gone.
last night though i went to his place to check on him and he agreed to it. his apartment was so messy and he lost a lot of weight for just 2 weeks that we broke up. i think he is back taking drugs (not prescriptive).. :( makes me really feel guilty cause i initially broke up with him. he was doing well and being healthy for the 3 mos that we were dating...
going back to last night, he was calm and we never really brought up anything about relationship.. cause i am also scared of fights... its like walking on thin ice with him. unfortunately ... i agreed to still have s3x him ... which i know isnt right.....
i saw him this morning in the office and we even chatted at the elevator... i sent him messages this afternoon.... and never heard from him ...
i guess i am just torturing myself thinking that things will go back to normal .... :( im so scared of totally losing him and see him wasting his life again doing bad choices in life.... :(
saddens me a lot.....
looks like we had the same stories...
so i wont elaborate on mine as what you have gone through... i went through just 2 weeks ago....
He was so awesome to me... had fight with me, i broke up with him... tried to get back... but he was gone.
last night though i went to his place to check on him and he agreed to it. his apartment was so messy and he lost a lot of weight for just 2 weeks that we broke up. i think he is back taking drugs (not prescriptive).. :( makes me really feel guilty cause i initially broke up with him. he was doing well and being healthy for the 3 mos that we were dating...
going back to last night, he was calm and we never really brought up anything about relationship.. cause i am also scared of fights... its like walking on thin ice with him. unfortunately ... i agreed to still have s3x him ... which i know isnt right.....
i saw him this morning in the office and we even chatted at the elevator... i sent him messages this afternoon.... and never heard from him ...
i guess i am just torturing myself thinking that things will go back to normal .... :( im so scared of totally losing him and see him wasting his life again doing bad choices in life.... :(
saddens me a lot.....
K
Kiki stjohn
I too have been and am currently back in a relationship
With someone who has ptsd it is hard. It started off quick it was wonderful
And romantic and we loved each other and still do very much. He broke up with me three times through a text message saying he couldn't do it he needed to be on his own he didn't want to drag me into a situation that he had no control over. I love as devastated the third time cause I had moved cross country to be with him. I was a mess and now yet again he is back. I love him very much but it is hard confusing and he had to get help or I would not even talk to him. You have to really decided what u want, like ran to take care of yourself and as cheesy as it sound ask your higher being for a sign, it u believe in that. It is hard, it makes me cry, I doubt myself, I doubt him but I know that we keep coming together for a reason I am trying this one last time( of course that's what I said last time). I am just tying to have faith in a good man that was put in a bad situation and should have never had to see the carnage of war. I always think of my dad he had cancer and passed away, my mother stuck by his side and was next to him tip the bitter end. Should I or could I leave someone I love because he is sick? He dosent drink he is not abusive he is a kind sweet caring man and then he shuts down. Thanks for listening
With someone who has ptsd it is hard. It started off quick it was wonderful
And romantic and we loved each other and still do very much. He broke up with me three times through a text message saying he couldn't do it he needed to be on his own he didn't want to drag me into a situation that he had no control over. I love as devastated the third time cause I had moved cross country to be with him. I was a mess and now yet again he is back. I love him very much but it is hard confusing and he had to get help or I would not even talk to him. You have to really decided what u want, like ran to take care of yourself and as cheesy as it sound ask your higher being for a sign, it u believe in that. It is hard, it makes me cry, I doubt myself, I doubt him but I know that we keep coming together for a reason I am trying this one last time( of course that's what I said last time). I am just tying to have faith in a good man that was put in a bad situation and should have never had to see the carnage of war. I always think of my dad he had cancer and passed away, my mother stuck by his side and was next to him tip the bitter end. Should I or could I leave someone I love because he is sick? He dosent drink he is not abusive he is a kind sweet caring man and then he shuts down. Thanks for listening
I have something similar happen to me.
I had been talking to this army veteran for weeks, then we met up and we immediately hit it off, although I tried to not get too attached he pulled a lot and was very clingy. After the date I allowed myself to show I cared for him too.
Then I was supposed to have heard back from him last Thursday, but I didn't, I saw he had been online (but I know his computer is used by his parents as well) but the messages weren't read. But after a few days I got so pissed and went like 'okay why don't you just delete me' and he came online just then telling me what had happened.
He had gone to a courtcase and had gotten arrested for yelling against a judge and he would tell me all about it the next day but when I said something, and he did read the messages instantly he just didn't reply anymore. So the last I said was: 'Fine we came at it too strong, and I loved meeting you but I can't play this game so if you no longer wish to talk just delete me.' He still hasn't deleted me but he has all of a sudden responded a lot to these veteran pages remembering fallen heroes. Which he hasn't done in all these weeks we have talked up until yesterday.
I don't know what to do, 'cause it sounds a bit similar them coming on so strong and the slightest bump and they go silent.
My mother no longer wants me to have any contact with him what so ever but I can't leave him alone yet but I don't now what to do.
I feel guilty about not having shown any support but I've only just now put 2 and 2 together.
Any advice?
I had been talking to this army veteran for weeks, then we met up and we immediately hit it off, although I tried to not get too attached he pulled a lot and was very clingy. After the date I allowed myself to show I cared for him too.
Then I was supposed to have heard back from him last Thursday, but I didn't, I saw he had been online (but I know his computer is used by his parents as well) but the messages weren't read. But after a few days I got so pissed and went like 'okay why don't you just delete me' and he came online just then telling me what had happened.
He had gone to a courtcase and had gotten arrested for yelling against a judge and he would tell me all about it the next day but when I said something, and he did read the messages instantly he just didn't reply anymore. So the last I said was: 'Fine we came at it too strong, and I loved meeting you but I can't play this game so if you no longer wish to talk just delete me.' He still hasn't deleted me but he has all of a sudden responded a lot to these veteran pages remembering fallen heroes. Which he hasn't done in all these weeks we have talked up until yesterday.
I don't know what to do, 'cause it sounds a bit similar them coming on so strong and the slightest bump and they go silent.
My mother no longer wants me to have any contact with him what so ever but I can't leave him alone yet but I don't now what to do.
I feel guilty about not having shown any support but I've only just now put 2 and 2 together.
Any advice?
- Moderator
- #35
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
@Thilda , if he isn't responding to your messages, I would just leave him alone... if he has PTSD, it just adds stress. If he doesn't have PTSD, he may just be immature and playing games.
Thanks for your reply
I'm quite sure it isn't a game but I am going to follow your advice and just leave him alone.
I'm quite sure it isn't a game but I am going to follow your advice and just leave him alone.
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