Relationship Ptsd As An Excuse?

[Sighs]

Mmmmm - I find this very problematic. My partner dissociates when he is stressed. In those moments he does and says things which he has little to no recollection of afterwards. As a combat vet his reaction to any stress is fight rather than flight or freeze. His behaviour has at times frightened me. I have set a boundary for myself that if he were to hit me I would have to leave him.

So... how does he take responsibility for his actions when he has no recollection of them? Its not as if he cheats on me and blames his PTSD, but if someone were reading one of my posts (eg: the one where he deliberately splattered my face with his blood from a cut on his hand) they may well think 'wow - what an abusive jerk - why does she stay with him?'. The incidents can seem pretty extreme if you don't have the context. (The context being that this man was an infantry soldier for nearly 25 years and saw over 10 years of active deployments. His life has been more extreme than most people can imagine.)

 

[Deleted member 28812]

So the bottom line is, I think that you should own your own stuff, no matter what the cause - PTSD, trust issues, character flaw, or whatever.

Exactly this but what I see is that some spouses become doormats and some sufferers are not willing to work on themselves.

 

[BlueOrange]

The way I see it, it doesn't matter if the reason for bad behaviour is PTSD (or any other diagnosis) or not. Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour. We may choose to tolerate behaviour that might normally be unacceptable due to how we feel about the person - if you're doing that, then you want some credible assurances that things are going to get better.

PTSD or not, there's only one response from a person who has done something wrong that I respect, and that's "I recognize that I've done the wrong thing, and I don't want it to happen in future. To reduce the chances of it happening again, I plan to [do something about it]."

If a person does a wrong thing and you don't get that kind of respectable response, then you should expect it to happen again, sooner or later. If you do get that kind of respectable response, then you need to face the reality that the plan might not work. Make a judgement about how bad the behaviour is, how good the plan is, and how much you want to stick around. Even if they say and do all of the right things, you are ultimately responsible for your own safety, and you have a right to leave/call the cops/whatever.

I think that it's a wonderful thing that there are supporters who hang in there. But my first wife waited until I was in therapy and turning the corner before she left. Losing a supporter is not a death sentence - it may be a wake-up call.

 

[Lem]

I'm learning not to be so skeptical.. Honestly I thought Stevens PTSD was exaggerated first time I met him. He blamed PTSD for losing jobs and not trying very hard and I pretty much assumed it was an excuse. 6 months later his PTSD symptoms start flaring up and almost everything he told me was true. I think until the people closest to them see how they really are its really hard to gauge what's real or not. A lot of my friends thought Steven was just being an ass. Now its really evident its the surface of much bigger issues that he holds inside daily.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

What has his eperience in the world of work been like?

 

[Lem]

He's told me stories that in his mind make complete sense and he is in the right of basically him just flipping out over very small things with coworkers. Since his uncle died he is doing it with me and he genuinely doesn't realize its a total over reaction. Also he has an aggressive mannerism with body dysmorphic disorder. He still doesn't realize he isn't a scrawny kid anymore and looks like what he is.. A combat veteran that weighs about 200 pounds and lifts three times that.

He also hasn't noticed that he classifies people as military and civilians still. "Civilians" he instantly dismisses as lesser so he isn't very respectful. But he denies this even though it is actually how he refers to people.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

What do you mean by flipping out - acting angry or being hurt or reacting with anxiety? My guy has the habit of second-guessing his coworkers. So basically somebody compliments him and he thinks about this in his mind and thinks about it over and over again... until he is sure that the person did not really want to compliment him but is disappointed by him or whatever.... but then he does not talk about it with the person but tells me.

He also has a conflict with a person at work who might have ADD or something because he never does as told by my husband and my husband suffers from this because he thinks it is all his fault but he only shows it to me because of his tough guy attitude.

And the people he works with are civilians so he thinks they are lesser? To be honest: that's not a good attitude at work.

 

[Lem]

Well he's 100% disabled now with a permanent rating and listed as unemployable so not an issue anymore. But he'd get angry very easily and feel disrespected. In manual labor you get a lot of disrespect and it gets him angry. So he feels like he is doing his bosses a favour by addressing disrespect and in actual fact cussing at people is not good.

He's learning through me to stop with the civilian crap. He tried it with me when I first met him and I shut it down on the spot. An abusive psycho of a dad who tried to kill me a bunch or times and a few other unfortunate incidentsand... I now remind him that non military people can also be survivors.

 

[Lem]

Is it common for military vets to continue with a military perspective or is that something else? That's the one thing I assumed was PTSD although I haven't actually heard of it...

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I do not understand your last question. English is not my native language. Sorry :)

 

[Lem]

Oops he still looks at things like a soldier... Just wondering if that is common?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I think I can spot a former soldier by the way he looks and also by the way he talks. @holdenmonty has told me he has been spotted as a soldier by the way he carries himself - so I guess it is possible to recognize a soldier for the trained eye.

Ooops... edit... you said "looks at things like a soldier" not "looks like a soldier". Me idiot. What is wrong with me today? Yes, I think this does happen - are you talking about calling people civilians. Mine does this in a joking manner - can be a bit offensive sometimes but in his case he does not mean to be rude. It's just his way of humor.

Still I think you should remind yours not to look down at civilians like they are lesser.