Relationship Ptsd Bf Went Back To Last Gf

[Plakfiter]

I met a retired Army CSM about 6 wks ago and we clicked immediately. Short story is, I saw him out with another woman and confronted him in the moment. He's a great guy so I elected to be a grown up and talk about it with him. We hadn't discussed being exclusive and I told him that if we were going to see each other, that I would expect him to not be intimate with anyone else. He talked to me about combat, PTSD, his daughter, his friends and family and doing things together in the future. We continued talking, seeing each other and dating. The other woman, however, continued to come up. He said he needed to end it with her but she was avoiding him. I didn't make a big deal about it, have given him space and have been less than demanding. I know he is dealing with PTSD and have just tried to be supportive. A few day days ago, he was supposed to be coming over for dinner but told me he had to take care of something first. Didn't hear from him all night and the next morning he called to let me know he hadn't planned to but slept with the other woman. He says they have history (6 mths) and he needs to explore his feelings for her.he told me to run, I deserve better. I told him I was disappointed but I understand. She has hurt him in the past and I told him when she does it again, I'll be here for him. Since then, we text throughout the day, talk for hours at night and pretty much have the same relationship we had before but he is now having sex with someone else. We will always be friends but am I stupid and pathetic to consider anything more in the future if the chance comes up?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Run girl... Only 6 weeks in and he's sleeping with other women.

PTSD does not cause cheating. He made the decision to sleep with another woman, and a "History" of only six months doesn't excuse it.

Dont let somebody try to convince you that their PTSD is an excuse to act any which way.

I'm with a combat vet as well. He's pretty messed up with PTSD, and has brain injuries on top of it. He's been hospitalized for his PTSD. He has never once in 4 years together cheated on me. Not so much as a sext with another woman.

Don't let somebody use you as a back up until they're tired of sleeping with somebody else just because you're kind hearted.

 

[glass half full]

I met a retired Army CSM about 6 wks ago and we clicked immediately. Short story is, I saw him out wit...

Well, only you know what your feelings for him are and only you can decide how much to invest, for how long and what you need in return. I know there are quite a few discussions here about unfaithfulness on the part of partners with PTSD. This may or may not be a manifestation of his PTSD. In the process of reaching out for help in understanding my now retired soldier, I was cautioned about what was referred to as the "lily pad" syndrome. The therapist I was speaking to was very clear to state that its not just men with PTSD who use the lily pad. Basically, this is a situation in which rather than a make a decision a guy hops back and forth between one and another woman until one gives him the heave-ho and voila- his decision is made for him. Apparently men recently separated from the military are susceptible to this since so many decisions are made for them. I'm dubious about that reasoning, but hey- this therapist knows his clientele better than I do.

So, this may be PTSD, it might be lily pad hopping. Best wishes to you in sorting this through.

 

[Plakfiter]

Might be lily pad but he also says I deserve better than him. He tells me he was hurt/dumped in his last 2 serious relationships. I gave the benefit of the doubt on that, the other woman may feel safer. I don't think the cheating is PTSD, more of a self-esteem and insecurity from it?

 

[hangingon]

It sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too. You communicated your standards when you told him you expected monogomy if you were going to be together. And I suppose it was good that he was at least honest with you about sleeping with the other woman. However, he is keeping you both, stringing you along without fully committing to either of you. You have to command respect for yourself or no one else will. You started to do that. Its hard when you have feelings & a connection with someone but there are millions of someones out there. Find one who doesn't have a desire to be with someone else

 

[EveHarrington]

I fear that you are being used as a back up plan.

For me, if a guy doesn't want to devote time to getting just me from the very beginning, it's an indication that he wants to play the field and isn't really into me. I don't look for something serious from the beginning (far from it), but in a world where everyone is insanely busy, usually dating around means you're not really investing time in trying to get to know one person. Thats ok, but it's just not the situation for me.

I also fear that he's feeding you lines that you want to hear so that he can keep you around. I don't think he ever intended on breaking things off with her. Perhaps he thought he could jump from her to you and have that be the end of it, but it didn't happen that way.

I also call foul on the not planning sex bit. That's a lame way of not taking responsibility for what happened.

I don't understand keeping him as a friend, either. IME friendships have been a lot more rock solid and less tumultuous than romantic relationships so I don't understand why when a romantic relationship goes bad through deceit that people decide to back off and just be friends. (Don't you deserve decent friends, too?)

 

[Plakfiter]

I suppose it came naturally to want to remain friends. We get along well and felt like friends when we were dating. I wasn't looking for someone when I met him and am not actively looking for anyone now. I'm not opposed to dating someone else if I met someone interesting but my connection here is far from gone.

 

[glass half full]

Might be lily pad but he also says I deserve better than him. He tells me he was hurt/dumped in his...

well, when a man has told me that I deserved someone better than him, I've never argued the point - I've moved on.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Would you tolerate this if he didn't have PTSD? Ultimately you have to decide if him sleeping with other women is excusable for you.

 

[nursenurse]

Learn how to disconnect. Honestly, why would you tolerate this kind of behaviour? Why would you want this for yourself? You have been given a revelation early on, it is a gift that few people can claim. Let him run far away, and pick up any sense of self worth you have left and head in the opposite direction. Be happy that your six weeks did not turn into six months, six years or more of absolute shizznit. Let him explore all he wants in territories far, far away, I would bet my first born he was exploring with the other woman during your time together. And choose your friends more wisely. A cheat is not what I call prime friendship or love material. Not yo mention he is cheating on her by constantly communicating with you, instead of putting the effort into her.

 

[Plakfiter]

Thanks friends. Just needed some clarity.

 

[Friday]

I fear that you are being used as a back up plan.

Technically, @Plakfiter, you volunteered to be the backup plan.

Here's how I'm reading it :

- You didn't discuss exclusivity & he wasn't exclusive. That's fair.
- You said if you're going to date, exclusive only.
- He cheated & owned up to it ... Did NOT ask to reconcile, but said he was choosing the other woman & broke up with you

...at which point you volunteered to be a backup plan? (If it doesn't work out with her, I'll still be here waiting for you).

Stupid? I can't say one way or the other.
Desperate? Sounds like.

Especially as you're holding out for a guy who is willin to spend hours texting & hanging out with one woman who has made it very plain she wants to be with him, while dating another.

So even if the two of them DO break up, AND he comes to you... You can expect him to treat you the way he's treating his current girlfriend; except you won't be the woman he's calling and texting and hanging out with at night.