General Ptsd Break Up And Isolation

[GrapplingGrief]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a really rough time lately. Long story short, after PTSD started causing a lot of issues while we were living together, my now (ex) girlfriend told me we couldn't live together anymore. I wanted her to live in the comfort of our home so after a few days I quickly gathered my things, her brother moved in to help with rent, and I THOUGHT we were still going to date but without the pressure of living together. She ended things a few days later via text after isolating. We then had a crappy phone conversation. Weeks went by where I was very confused about how she could just cut me off like that; I moved more things out but didn't want to gut the place, there was back rent owed to me; and she seemed to have "moved on" with nary a notion that she even cared about me anymore. It took a LONG time before we finally had a face to face full of tears, mostly me talking, and her with just a few tears. I wiped the debt she owed me; I told her how much research I had been doing to better understand her condition; I finally broke down and absorbed the details of the trauma she went through (more details were shared via email after I moved out).

I don't know if she's coming back or ever will. I don't think we can ever predict how things like this will go and supporters probably all go through the questions of whether or not they can in fact deal with this long term. I know she can't be in a relationship with me right now. She is far too triggered. She says she wants to go back on medication but hasn't as of yet. She is struggling just going to work and making rent. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I try and send her a little bit of money but at the same time, I don't know how much help is too much, especially when our communication is sporadic. I miss her and the dogs and it pains me to see that she's not eating well and has recently been sick.

My question for the community is what do you do during this really horrible stage? I want to still be supportive but I'm also aware of how fine a line it is back to being in an unhealthy codependent situation. Since communication sort of re-opened, I've regressed a lot. I'm having trouble sleeping and I feel panicked and in terror a lot of the times because I remember the details of her abuse. I feel this compulsion to protect her but I know I can't. I'm scared. I know it didn't happen to me but I'm still scared. I'm also going through what feels like depression. I sought therapy after the break up for the first time and received lots of sound advice. I review my notes at times and it helps; I try and do therapeutic things to control my nerves and focus on my life goals because I know I'm of no use to her, myself or anyone if I fall apart too. But as someone who can be strong, I feel this obligation to still be a supporter. I love her. That may end up just being the love of a close friend but I still love her. She still feels like my partner. I don't know what to do. Being significantly older than her (35 to her 22), I feel like she has her whole life to figure this out, and I increasingly feel like just this old guy she tried to make it work with because I seemed stable and safe; maybe I don't mean anything to her anymore. I tried to be nothing but patient, supportive, and loving to her. She went through such horrible shit and I wanted to be the best human possible to her; I just didn't have the knowledge or the tools at the time. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you.

 

[Casey_03]

I would recommend maybe attending at least one meeting of a support group for codependency. I guess the most common one is Al-Anon, which is for spouses of alcoholics -- not quite the same situation you are in, but it could still be helpful and I think many of those in attendance would share the same concerns as you and are probably having the same thoughts and fears. You seem to have a healthy grasp of the situation, but at the same time, it sounds like things are really taking a toll on you emotionally and mentally, and it might help to hear feedback from others who've been in a codependent relationship (I'm not sure if your relationship was really codependent, don't know enough about it, but the last paragraph in this thread makes me think you are right on the brink of going fully codependent). Other than support groups, you might consider doing something completely new - learning a new language or taking lessons in something. I have done that a lot to cope in the past, with the reasoning that "I'll make so and so regret leaving me". I don't think I ever made anyone regret leaving me but I certainly did learn new things and gained skills to be proud of. Other than that, be careful with feeling sorry for your ex. Empathy is always good, but when you have as much empathy as you do, you also have to keep in mind that the traumas she has been through don't excuse her from mistreating you. That's an issue that comes up a lot on this forum, and I think it's important. Just because someone has PTSD and suffered terribly to get it doesn't mean they get a free pass to behave selfishly and walk all over their loved ones. BUT I think there are plenty of sufferers who do this, probably unknowingly, if they haven't been properly treated. They don't do it maliciously, but they do fall into such a pattern ... and in order for the relationship (or potential relationship) to remain healthy, you really have to lay down some boundaries. And last but not least -- the advice I always give to people in this situation -- write her letters and get out everything you want to say to her and ask her. Just to get your own thoughts out. You don't have to give the letters to her, but it might help you realize certain things about your own feelings.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

Thanks @Casey_03 Yeah I've been trying to gain new skills and do more things for myself. I see how she mistreated me and was mad for a while but a lot of that go replaced by just feeling terrible that I didn't research the minefield of PTSD earlier. Mind you, I really needed better direction and she wasn't able to provide that to me. I wonder if I would've put in the work that I did after had I not been forced out of our home. I was too concerned with keeping everyone healthy, fed, provided for, etc. The relationship got very codependent. I don't think that's necessarily a "bad" thing. I obviously saw her struggling and hurt, and did what any good partner would do, which is dig extra deep and keep things together. When they fell apart, I finally let myself fall apart too. A part of me thinks she wanted me to fall apart with her instead of trying to be strong, and thought I was being insensitive. I don't know. I'm projecting and that's not good. I guess I'm on here to write things that I can't say to her because I don't want to make things worse. Thank you so much for listening. I wish there were a happy ending to all this.

 

[Lostandbroken]

Hi grapplinggrief, I was reading your post and I can relate to a lot of your story right at this moment. I am a 34 yo guy dating a 23 yo woman, we have been together for over 2 years. PTSD has taken over her life and she has made some bad choices lately which I am blaming the PTSD for. I am also struggling to know which direction to take with my sufferer and stumbled across this website. Thought I would also use it to vent a bit but have also found some advice that really seems to suit the situation.

I understand your feelings about the age factor, as I am also wondering about the same thing with my situation. I have 2 kids and she has 1, we didn't live together but have been like a family. It's so hard to know what to do.

How are you going with it all? I noticed it's been a month since your post