General Ptsd Break Up

[Tswevnz]

Thank you Kyara
Fantastic text!

 

[AJJ]

Thank for your reply Kyara, this has helped me a lot.

 

[bell]

I think our hearts and minds have the wisdom to know when we can "fight" or when we need to "flight".

In my experience, as a sufferer, this is not true. It's our amygdala being hijacked when we're in that state. Unfortunately, who we're with doesn't fit in the equation. It's just a reflex to either flight or fight, nothing more. I ignore all the seemingly "safe" things around me, there is nothing there, just panic.

But, with therapy, this is getting better. So it's not the end of the story.

 

[kyara]

It's just a reflex to either flight or fight, nothing more. I ignore all the seemingly "safe" things around me, there is nothing there, just panic.

Thank you bell for sharing your experience; it must be very different for a sufferer and "reflex" is a perfect illustration. If I may ask further, in your experience if you are willing to share, after your panic and flight, what goes on in the mind, body and emotions?

I sometimes imagine myself as the sufferer, I think I would be thinking -

"Phew, aren't I glad to have gotten away from that scary ____. I am never going to get myself in that situation ever again!" And with the feeling of "safety" by running away, am I happy to be staying away and avoiding that scary thing/person/situation?

Or would I be thinking - "Arg, why did I run away from that? There is nothing I should be afraid of!" And with that feeling, panic some more?

Or - "Arg, why did I run away from that? It doesn't matter, as long as I stay away, everything will be okay." And with that feeling, content and safe?

 

[bell]

All those things go through your head. Repeatedly. And you can talk yourself out of them all. And you can convince yourself of them all. So it becomes easier to avoid relationships all together because we figure everyone's going to leave anyway once they find out about what we have. :(

 

[kyara]

bell, this is classic of PTSD relationship isn't it. Those who love you, love you for who you are - everything that you are, everything that you mean to us. :)

Love is very difficult to put in words - it's love, desire, compassion, kindness, that embrace literally, everything.

I want to share a story here from "A lover's discourse" by Roland Barthes

A mandarin fell in love with a courtesan. "I shall be yours," she told him, "when you have spent a hundred nights waiting for me, sitting on a stool, in my garden, beneath my window." But on the ninety-ninth night, the mandarin stood up, put his stool under his arm, and went away.

Why did the mandarin stood up and left on the 99th night?

If I am the mandarin who left on the 99th night, it would be because I want to know the courtesan loves me too. If she does not court me on the 100th night, the relationship would be meaningless even if I stayed for the 100th night.

We all just need to learn to communicate with the ones we love. :hug:

 

[bell]

Thanks for the Roland Barthes' story! I love him so much! I love Camera Lucida and Incidents for their sense of loneliness, his words have been a balm to me many times. I haven't read all of A Lover's Discourse, perhaps I should pick it up again! :)

And then once we stop being scared and running our minds along in circles, comes the hard-hitting truth that someone loves us for just who we are, which is truly soul shaking and terrifying. Because if you've hidden from yourself for so long, you hardly know who you are, yet someone else can see it... AND likes it! There are so many hurdles to jump, I used to think it was useless.

But with therapy (which is key), I'm beginning to see that it's not useless, just a little bumpy, and that's okay. The key here is therapy. I'm afraid without it, love is not enough.

(And how cute is that film! We're all just looking for our Peter!)

 

[kyara]

bell, I rejoice at reading your sharing. Don't give up! My arms are open for a hug if you want to join me for a virtual embrace. love, xx.

 

[Gryffy]

All those things go through your head. Repeatedly. And you can talk yourself out of them all. And you can convince yourself of them all. So it becomes easier to avoid relationships all together because we figure everyone's going to leave anyway once they find out about what we have. :(

I'm kind of in the opposite situation. My ex is a total hopeless romantic and possibly the sweetest person on earth, and having a loving relationship is very, very important to her. She has PTSD.

We met on okcupid actually. She messaged me first and later she asked me out first. She really initiated the whole thing. Things were going well for a couple months, then she randomly decided she just wanted to be friends because romantic relationships are too stressful for her. I happen to have pretty bad abandonment issues and having this happen so abruptly and without proper communication (also at a very bad time when I was under enormous stress from other things) triggered them. I tried to be calm and respectful, but she saw how hurt I was and that overwhelmed her too, so she cut off the friendship, although she didn't delete me on Facebook.

I realized I needed to go to therapy to deal with my own issues, so I've been doing that. And I've been on this site every day since trying to understand where she's coming from and what I should do. She didn't exactly treat me nicely, but I understand why now, and I value the person she truly is. I want that person back in my life. Not even necessarily as my girlfriend- I just want things to be okay between us. It sucks not having her around. I'm trying to figure out how to make that happen.

I've been trying to find other people to date so I'm not totally hung up on her. But I then when I was on okcupid, I kept getting notifications that she'd logged in. Which was weird, because supposedly she can't deal with a relationship right now. But I think she wants one so badly that she was trying to give it another shot? I finally clicked on her profile (it lets you know when someone visits your profile) and she scampered off and hasn't been on since.

 

[Random girl]

this is all too close to home my ex husband has ptsd ...he doesn't really go to therapy since he thinks I need to change. I need to back off but all I'm really doing is caring. Even after our divorce he came back trying to work it out and since I love him I did, but not too long after that he broke out with a ptsd incident. Started screaming and yelling wanting to be alone. He left suddenly over nothing and has not tried to contact me since. I called emailed and texted and got nothing. I was so mad and shocked we were soooo happy. It's so sad and now I'm trying to move and am having a hard time. I know this horrible cycle will never end and I'm just not emotionally strong enough to deal with it all. I'm sad heartbroken and hurt. I don't know how to move on or cope and I feel like we had some amazing times and he is such an amazing guy..if only ... Can anyone help me get over this feeling :(

 

[JM_318]

Yes it does, thank you for showing me how he may have been feeling at the time too. Do you think that...

I am curious to know the outcome of your story? I am going through a hard time and this is actually the second time we broke up, but he was diagnosed with PTSD a month ago.