General Ptsd Break Up

[BewitchedBewildered]

As someone who has been through something similar after an almost 3 year relationship, I feel your pain. Even if they tell you isolating isn't about you, it hurts when the person you love suddenly cuts you out of their life. It hurts desperately. And some just can't explain or tell you they need a time out. It hurts and it's a painful kind of limbo because you get no closure. I experienced this with my ex several times for a few weeks to a few months and now it's been 7 months and counting.

A tendency with PTSD relationships is to put the sufferer first. They are the one in real pain right? Going through it. But, supporters deal with a different pain. And a lot of it is that PTSD doesn't follow our experience. We have no frame of reference. PTSD goes against most of our instincts within a romantic relationship.

The flight or fight or freeze concept made the most sense to me in understanding it to some degree, but deep down I don't really get. I do get that you can't support someone who doesn't want it or remember how to want it/ take it. I am still inlove with my ex, but I don't think he's coming back this time. And, if he does, I think too much damage has been done to my trust.

PTSD is hard, at the best of times, years into therapy. I hope things work out for you, I really do. But, he simply not be capable of an US right now. He cannot deal with stress the way most non-PTSD people can.

I would say focus on you. Don't live life on hold. Move on. If, in the future, you find each other again, then you will see. Love yourself and know you cannot help him right now, not really. It's up to him.

Hug. I wish you only the best.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm always here if you ever need to talk.

 

[blondie87]

Thank you, its nice to know that there are other out there who have gone through this before.

My friends try to be there for me but they do not understand the situation and they never will. Reading other peoples experiences give me some peace to know that it wasn't my fault.

 

[atthree]

You know when I see that perfect girl again, I hope to explain the why. You got more of reason than I could I given her at the time. PS: You know she went on and became famous. #soulmates

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I still fight with myself over if I had done better, given him more time, not tried so hard... But, at the end of the day, we do our best. Love can't make it better, sometimes it is just another stressor. It's not your fault. It's not his fault. I believe, a lot of the time, it's not a logical choice they are making. It is a primal reaction. Just my opinion. It just is what it is.

PTSD just sucks.

 

[aj1]

The hardest part for me was I had no one to truly talk about it with. Her story is not mine to share. Everyone I know saw me take this so hard and now are really upset at her for all of this.

I have deflected talking about it with them quite well. Not good for me. I have talked about it with a priest some. Honestly I have been trying to figure out how I can find a therapist that can help me. You feel quite silly when you think about how hard it is for you, when they were the one who endured the trauma.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Therapy can be very good for supporters. A breakup by avoidance is not like any other breakup, in my opinion. I'm now in therapy to deal with it all. You have to look after yourself. And a lot of us feel we can't talk about it, either becaue it isn't ours to tell or because it's so hard for people who have never experienced it to understand. These are not heartless people, our sufferers, they are in overload. They have suffered some horrific traumas. Most people will not understand. I found my friends mostly just wanted to be angry for me. They didn't get that it was not just some man being cruel to me by ignoring me. That put me in defensive or protective mode. Not conducive for getting support.

If you get a therapist, I'd recommend someone with some degree of experience with trauma counseling, if not direct PTSD experience. It has helped me. I'm still working on it, but it has helped

 

[Gryffy]

Therapy can be very good for supporters. A breakup by avoidance is not like any other breakup, in my opinion. I'm now in therapy to deal with it all. You have to look after yourself. And a lot of us feel we can't talk about it, either becaue it isn't ours to tell or because it's so hard for people who have never experienced it to understand. These are not heartless people, our sufferers, they are in overload. They have suffered some horrific traumas. Most people will not understand. I found my friends mostly just wanted to be angry for me. They didn't get that it was not just some man being cruel to me by ignoring me. That put me in defensive or protective mode. Not conducive for getting support.

If you get a therapist, I'd recommend someone with some degree of experience with trauma counseling, if not direct PTSD experience. It has helped me. I'm still working on it, but it has helped

@BewitchedBewildered I just wanted to say thank you for this post and also your first one in this thread. I'm kind of going through the same thing right now and your words really resonated with me and they're helping me deal with my situation.

I can't say I was in love with my sufferer- we'd only been dating for a couple months and only officially together for a day. I wish she had told me that she had PTSD before we started getting intimate.....the thing is, I happen to have some rather serious abandonment issues (I had also just lost a close family member and was facing the potential loss of others), so when she suddenly broke things off with no explanation after I had worked up the courage to kiss her, that triggered them bigtime. She said she still wanted to be friends. Eventually she told me about her PTSD, and so I researched it so that I could understand. So that I could be supportive and try to work through this with her. I tried to be calm and respectful, but I still needed to communicate to her that I was hurt. And then the stress of me being hurt by this was also too much for her, she didn't have the emotional bandwidth to try and earn back my trust, so she suggested we break off the friendship as well. A second abandonment. I was overwhelmed too and still at least tried to be there for her, but that effort wasn't reciprocated. She's walking away from this because it's too much for her to handle, and the consequence of that is saddling me with more than I can handle. But it's not something that can be walked away from, nor can I work with her to mend things. Totally stuck. So I'm seeking therapy too. I probably should have earlier- I didn't because I compartmentalize very well and didn't think I needed it because I felt fine on the surface- but with every new abandonment comes deep depression and a battle for my sanity.

Even so, I do still care about her very much and it kills me to know that she's in pain and I can't help. I forgive her for the things that were the PTSD and not her, though I am still angry that she allowed me to be blindsighted by this, especially when she initiated the relationship and asked me out first knowing that this could happen. Apart from this, she is truly an amazing, sweet, and genuine person dedicated to trying to make a positive difference in the world. That's who she truly is. Whether it's with me or not, I want her to be happy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

When we need space, WE NEED SPACE. Yes, this is hard for non- PTSD people to understand, so rather you just have to accept it. Stalking him outside of his job was a huge no-no. (As is showing up unexpectedly at home, etc).

Also, you're very much in honeymoon land right now. Please read other supporter stories about how they didn't give their sufferer space and it all went to pot. Or even more stories about how they found the love of their life, clicked, it was so intense, the whole shebang, (all within a few months) and then nothing. This happens a lot, as we tend to be very intense people then get overwhelmed and isolate. I see this pattern in other people (sufferers) and in myself, as all my relationships start out as super intense and then I need my space. They think it was fantastic and I'm like "meh, it was ok I guess".

 

[blondie87]

@Solara I appreciate your opinion, a little on the harsh side... I did give him space just he didn't communicate to me how long of space he needed. I told him I was stopping by his work and he saw the text so it was not "stalkerish". He could have said hey I need more time to be alone.

Also your experiences are quite different from mine. I know that he cared about me just as much as I cared about him it wasn't that he didn't feel as strongly as I did it was that his brain was on overload from all the new he just got. The PTSD kicked in and he ran.

 

[kyara]

Blondie, I relate to your experience and I am crying a mess as I relate to you and try to comprehend my 'partner's' situation. Thank you all for shedding light and revealing both sides of the coin. Thank you BewitchedBewildered for identifying the difference in "avoidance breakup" from others. An overloaded system is a great analogy to our beloved PTSD person.For me, everyday, I remind myself of the situation that he is in which provoked him to withdraw and push me away. It's been a month since we had textual communication, two months since we had voice communication, and nearly 4 months since we had physical contact. Everyday I move forward, I remind myself I am 1 day closer to him making contact again when he is capable. Every night I fall asleep, I say good night and feel his presence, recall the feeling of closeness, and remind myself of the understanding and acceptance we have of each other.Like many, I have these questions running through my head. When this happens, I try to focus and reorganize my thoughts - the reasons of our position, my feelings for this man, right now, this very moment, when nothing is reciprocated, and whether I will to love him or I will to move on.

 

[seedling]

He could have said

The PTSD reality is, heatbreakingly, is that he couldn't. He was not capable of it.

There have been countless times when I felt I should have said something - communicated - with my husband since the trauma.
Day after day I'd give up on it one more time, just not possible. It's gotten better with lots of therapy work. It's gradually opened up, I give myself credit when I can say the small things I do. And that's in a an established long term relationship where I "should" feel I have nothing to fear.