Ptsd Breakups

[dulcia]

I am a supporter asking for sufferer feedback on their current or past relationships.

I've read that it's common in some PTSD relationships to have gone through a few break ups, but that is not something my sufferer and I have done before, nor is it something I have done or would have ever condoned in my own non-PTSD relationships. I'm trying to gain some insight:

Have you broken up and gotten back together?
Have you broken up again after the first time?
What was it that caused you to break up in the first place?
Did things change after the break up? Good or bad change?
Looking back, do you think getting back together after a break up was a good idea?
Did you view your supporter differently after getting back together after a break up?


Note: I say "you" to avoid overuse of the word "y'all" ;)

 

[DharmaGirl]

My romantic relationships always had breakups and getting back together except for my marriage. I did everything I could to make it work, but it didn't work so when I left, I knew it was over.

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was 52, but I had it since I was child. I coped by being a workaholic. It was crazy how often I would break up with my boyfriend, only to get back later. I realized at one point it might be easier to stay and work through the issue, but I was never able to. In some cases, I should have run away, such as the guy I saw on and off for 8 years and ended up beating me so badly I tried to jump out a closed second story window onto concrete to get away from him. The other one lied all the time. For no reason, he just lied.

Ok, so I would break up with them whenever I thought I couldn't work something out, nothing would change after the breakup and getting back together except that I felt that they must really love me if they pursued me. I don't think getting back together with either of them was a good thing, nothing changed and my ability to work things out without running away didn't get better. I didn't realize that's what it was.

They weren't my supporters, they were my boyfriends. My husband was my husband. If I were to have a relationship now, I still wouldn't see my partner as my supporter. I have friends for mutual support, I have a Pdoc and a therapist. I am confused by the use of supporter. Is everyone who dates someone with PTSD considered a supporter, or are you speaking in terms of this forum, where it is divided into supporters and sufferers so you can find the support you personally need.

 

[dulcia]

My romantic relationships always had breakups and getting back together except for my marriage. I di...

Sorry for the confusion. Before coming to this forum, I had never heard of or used the terms "sufferer" or "supporter". I mainly hang out in the "supporter" threads on this site and those generally consist of people who love/are in a relationship with someone with PTSD. In this case, I am referring to myself as a supporter and my significant other (who has PTSD) as a sufferer. Personally, I wouldn't consider "everyone who dates someone with PTSD" a supporter, but I think that if someone is active in their relationship with someone who has PTSD, then their role is much more significant (maybe not the best word) than just a boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I get it now. I guess it was because I dated abusive people that were anything but supportive. It would have been nice to have somone supportive.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

@tiredtexan I sort of You! You had me at " you manly hang in the "supporter" section. " It's sort of crazy how sufferers don't see how there significant other is a 1590000% a supporter / truth be told caregiver. Really it's a life choice you have to make

 

[DharmaGirl]

It's sort of crazy how sufferers don't see how there significant other is a 1590000% a supporter / truth be told caregiver

I don't understand. None of my SOs or husbands supported me in any way. I never blamed anything on PTSD, because I didn't know I had it. I can see that if I had a relationship now, I would choose someone more supportive, but I wouldn't want them to be in charge/ or manage my mental illness. Or have to give 150% to a relationship unless I was giving 150%. I'm really confused here. If you mean putting up with screaming from nightmares every night, or being less social, or understanding the need for time alone, I understand that. I'm really trying to understand, not start anything.

 

[dulcia]

I get it now. I guess it was because I dated abusive people that were anything but supportive. It wo...

Unfortunately, I'm starting to see that sometimes supporters can do more harm than good, despite their intentions. I'm beginning to wonder if that is where I am as a "supporter" at this point.

I wouldn't want them to be in charge/ or manage my mental illness. Or have to give 150% to a relationship unless I was giving 150%. I'm really confused here. If you mean putting up with screaming from nightmares every night, or being less social, or understanding the need for time alone, I understand that. I'm really trying to understand, not start anything.

I don't see a "supporter" as being in charge of or managing their partner's diagnosis. I think of it as -- you are in a unique situation due to your experiences and/or diagnoses. As a result, this relationship may require me to learn about how best to love you which may be different than ways I have loved others in the past, and help you have the best life you can, despite any symptoms you may have. I can't really think of the right words to say what I am trying to get across here, but that's the gist of it. But yes, that basically means putting up with the screaming from nightmares, being less social, understanding the need for time alone, etc.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

I don't understand. None of my SOs or husbands supported me in any way. I never blamed anything on P...

I can't speak for your partners or relationships. Only from my experience with a c-ptsd sufferer and from lots of confrontation of other supporters on this site.

Ptsd makes him act like a different person. I constantly find myself walking on egg shells, cautiously choosing every word and not really having a partner a lot of times. He is missing out on life and by default I am as well.

He also requires a lot of attention like his life and issues are more important than mine cause he suffers. He also can't deal with issues and shuts down or beomes angry or shifts blame at the first sign of an altercation

His pain has become my pain.

I literally worry about this humans well being more than my own and he just takes and takes and doesn't appreciate it at all

I don't know if this explains sort of went off on a tangent

 

[Never_falter2]

As a "supporter" I don't like the word supporter very much. Yes, I do support him but he also supports me. I never think about him as "my sufferer".

 

[dulcia]

As a "supporter" I don't like the word supporter very much. Yes, I do support him but he also supp...

I don't like the term "sufferer" at all either. I've just found it easier to use that term to communicate within this forum.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't see a "supporter" as being in charge of or managing their partner's diagnosis.

Thank you for clarifying. I read some supporter stuff and realize how hard it must be to love someone who turns into another person sometimes. I can see what you mean now, and it is far from easy. Having to decided what is PTSD and what is bad behavior. I am also not a combat vet, and I don't get the angry outbursts but I do get crabby sometimes and apologize, not that it makes it ok. I will work on this more. I like seeing myself from a supporter point of view, since it gives me therapy fodder for when I am too wound up to process trauma. Thank you for understanding.

 

[scout86]

I haven't been in a lot of relationships. They all broke up only once. (In one case, because he died, and he was pretty much exceptional all the way around.) Otherwise, they all broke up because I decided (realized?) it was the wrong combination of people and that there was no changing that.

I guess I don't get the whole back and forth thing. I had a couples therapist tell me once, "There are three options. Live with things as they are, change them, or get out." To which a good friend added, "And if you decide to live with things way they are, you don't get to bitch about it."

I don't know that anyone has ever felt they had to walk on egg shells around me. I hope not! If I thought someone found me to be that hard to be around, I'd leave for their own good. (Maybe that's why I haven't been in many relationships?)

On the multiple break up thing though, I also never make threats. That's kind of a big deal with me. If I say I'm leaving, it's because I've made up my mind, not because I'm looking for a reaction. I'm not sure that's a PTSD related thing. I think that varies from person to person anyway. Someone who feels differently would probably handle things differently.

Thinking about this a bit more, the last guy I went out with actually DID come and go a few times. I let that go on because, although I knew it wasn't a relationship that deserved to be permanent, I didn't mind having him around, if he wanted to be. I finally got sick of him not being able to make up his mind and told him enough was enough. He was married to someone else within months. We're still friends. I think he's happy. He wanted to be married and I knew I couldn't be married to him, even though I looked him and that was the problem all along.