General Ptsd Can Get Better

[Lady Rig]

I haven't been on here in awhile, but I can tell you the support I recieved here was amazing and life-changing. My husband is a PTSD sufferer, thus I am his supporter.

At first I felt hopeless looking at the long road ahead. I was overwhelmed and was desperately trying to make some sense of everything. I even tried taking responsibility for it and tried taking all the responsibility for shielding him, neither of which were my job. It wasn't my fault in any way, shape, or form.

I can say that after almost 6 months of therapy my husbands symptoms are so much better. He's no longer angry all the time, his first response to something isn't anger, and our relationship is much, much better. We talk about our feelings instead of just holding in hurts and getting into fights.

I really hope that a supporter reads this and if they're feeling the same feelings of hopelessness that maybe this helps. I'm not saying eberything is "all better" or is perfect, but I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you to everyone who replied to all my posts and gave me words of encouragement. It meant more to me than you can ever imagine, and helped me through one of the darkest times of my life.

Thank you and God bless!

 

[Nicolette]

Really, really, really happy to read your post Lady Rig.

Thank you for sharing as it is posts like yours which other Supporters need to read at time when they feel lost and alone. There is hope and your post reminds us of that. :tup:

 

[newbie2011]

Lady Rig you're post has given me a little bit of hope. I'm slowly losing all hope at the moment :( My bf has been in therapy for 3 months now (he's got combat ptsd) and it is one step forward 3 back! He's angry with everyone, anything at all tips him over the edge, when we talk, he's great and I feel we're making progress as he's discussing his feelings then bang! his actions don't go with the discussion - he keeps making false promises and letting me down which I've been very patient with until now but I'm getting seriously fed up of it. And the last 2 days he's done the ignoring act. Why? I can only assume because he has let me down again, is aware of his actions and feels very guilty and is needing therapy as it's 2 weeks since his last intensive all day session. We had the same behaviour a couple of weeks ago and after his therapy session we sat down and I explained how his actions made me feel and we were open and honest with each other.

I'm very patient with him, I try to keep emotion out of my messages, I've just started telling him my needs aren't getting met and although he has stepped up slightly, he needs to step up more if he wants this relationship to continue. He feels the cbt therapy is useless as it's made his anger much worse and he's wishing he hadn't opened this can of worms. I must admit the good thing I can see he's getting out of therapy is he is much more self aware of his behaviour, however he is racked with guilt because he sees the effect this is having on everyone. The therapists have reassured him the anger will subside.

When he's with me he feels relaxed and secure and doesn't want to leave me but when he's not with me he admits he has major problems. He thinks I will put pressure on him (he knows that I don't) and can't seem to think that when he sees me he will be relaxed, he has difficulty with this thought process he says. Obviously I can't force him to spend time with me but it is so frustrating. I know love doesn't conquer all but I know if we spent a couple of days together he would settle again.

To be honest I feel like I'm with a time bomb, he's all over the place and I've had to stand back slightly as I feel I was being codependant and it was dragging me down. I'm now thinking of downgrading to friend status and giving him a couple of months more therapy to see if he's more stable and able for a relationship. He will then have one less 'pressure' to think about as he says I don't cause his pressure but I do add to it. My needs are not getting met at present either and so really we seem to be in a lose-lose situation. Do you have any advice with regards to therapy with your experience?

 

[Lady Rig]

I can tell you a couple things, the first is that it's going to get worse before it gets better. That was the worst part, not knowing if it was going to get better cause it suddenly got a lot worse. I had to just hang in there. If you read some of my past posts I didn't know if I could, or even if I wanted to, but I did.

Second, is that in my experience, when my husband told me that I made his symptoms worse, it was just him trying to deflect some responsibility. He had spent so much time making sure everyone knew he wasn't to blame for his anger that he almost had me convinced I was the real problem, that I was causing fights by pushing his buttons. Not true. And he admits to that now.

I can say it takes the right counselor. My husband can be a tough cookie. My husband id 6'6", and his T is about 5'4" on a good day. His first appointment my husband was there but wasn't THERE, he was just going through the motions. After about 30 minutes his T sat up and told him "Don't B.S. me or this isn't going to work!" (He used the non-edited version). I liken it to the Chihuahua barked and the Great Dane sat. We all get a kick out of it.

The point being, the counselor has to be able to get through to him. His T telling him to not BS him earned his respect and attention, thus making a connection form for my husband that maybe this quack knew what he was talking about. We chose to do sessions that included me because my husband has a habit of downplaying things he does so I was there to make sure he wasn't doing that.

Now, my husband's PTSD is non combat so I'm sure it's a little different. He saw his mother get run over when he was about 11 or 12, I can't remember exactly.

newbie2011, at the end of the day you have to do what's best for you. Put yourself first. Do things that make you happy and get you out of the bad head space I'm sure you're in. I had a hard time with that one. I'm almost cripplingly codependant and that's a huge obstacle I've had to overcome. Love doesn't conquer all, and you can't help "fix" him, he's got to want it. My husband was completely resistant to going to counseling until it almost cost him everything.

If I wasn't married to him with a 3 year old daughter I wouldn't still be here. That's what made me stay. If it starts getting bad enough that you don't want to or can't handle it anymore, it doesn't make you a bad person to end it. I looked at the long road ahead and felt overwhelmed and depressed. I'm sure if I looked at some of my past posts that that's more than evident. Please just don't forget that you come first!

 

[Toria]

Thank you Lady Rig - I needed that this morning... first day back in work, feeling very sorry for myself after being shouted at just before leaving for work this morning (I sound like a small child don't I? :eek:). All I can think as I sit here is "It's a new year and nothing's new. 2012 is going to be just the same - and just as bad - as 2011". But perhaps it wont - you never know - thank you x

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you Lady Rig for your insight, much appreciated :) I'll read your past posts too. Well I'm still being ignored...thought I'd send a message on new years day and got nothing back so I'm just leaving him alone now. I've decided new year, new start. I've looked back on our relationship and the first 3 months were great and the last 5 months have been a rollercoaster with more downs than ups....so really I've spent more than half the time in this relationship with difficulties which have made me sad, that's not right. When you're not married to someone they don't owe you anything nor do they have the drive to make it work and we haven't been together long enough or been able to spend a good quality of time together to create that bond, despite him always saying to me before his diagnosis that he wanted to marry me and have me in his life forever and I've been the only person he's really connected to.

When my bf has said I added to his stress I have told him it's his perception as everyone adds to his stress but I'm not taking that on board as it's his issue not mine, I am behaving 'normally', it is him that can't deal with 'normal' at present. As you say they are trying to shift the responsibility onto someone else. It's such a shame as had he made the effort to visit me over the xmas period, it would have been a huge step forward, but to be let down twice in 3 weeks is not good. I always give him a get out clause if he doesn't want to do something as well to try and prevent pressure so I don't understand why he can't even send a text and say he doesn't/can't/won't do something...is it a control thing?? he knows I won't hang around and wait for him, so if I don't hear, I make my own plans. How can you build a relationship when someone says they will visit then don't? You can't.

He gets intensive therapy by 2 therapists through the military who are trained with combat ptsd. From what my bf has said they are the only people he trusts to confide in and he admits he loses it in front of them so at least they seem to see him at his worst. I would like to get couple therapy with him as who knows what he says about our relationship but I don't think that would happen. They said he had to get therapy over the xmas period so they seem to recognise that he's needing it more frequently. He's definitely much better after it, probably getting a chance to vent. The good thing is my bf wants to get better and he says he has to, so at least he's got the drive there but he says it's the hardest thing he's ever done.

My concern is...the guy I fell in love with has gone and I'm holding onto that image and who knows what will be left, certainly the guy I've got at the moment is selfish, ignorant and disrespectful. He's aware and expresses that he knows he's being selfish and he's hard work but can't seem to stop his actions. I don't even know if he wants a relationship at the moment, he says he just wants to disappear with his son and for it to be the 2 of them but when I've said I'll leave him alone, he said he doesn't want that and to bear with him and that he does still love me. I then decide I'm sticking for the journey then he screws up again and I think 'why am I doing this?' I know you'll understand this Lady Rig.

I think it's time I walk away, let him continue his therapy and if it's meant to be it'll be. I need to spend time on me and get some of my sanity back ;) It was seriously dragging me down and making me depressed but the last month I've managed to detach slightly and work on myself. I've got a hypnotherapy session booked to try and boost my confidence and self esteem as I feel I've been dragged down with all this so I'm looking forward to that. It's going to be hard not contacting him and it's going to hurt but I've been hurting for a while anyway, time is a healer. I've done all I can and if he's not emotionally available, not willing to put the effort in or can't put the effort in, not adhering to boundaries, what can I do? I can't put my life on hold forever. What's that saying...if you love something let it go, if it comes back then it was meant to be...

(((Big hugs)))

 

[newbie2011]

Still no contact from him and despite being desperate to contact him I'm not, I keep thinking how I will feel if I message him and get no response :( I was reading an article earlier however and I think he might be passive aggressive, although when he sees me he doesn't seem to have any difficulty expressing his anger with things, however he has most of the other symptoms so maybe I've been putting things down to PTSD but he actually has these other issues too....am more confused now...

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Lady Rig,

You are a light at the end of my tunnel. A ray of hope and sunshine. Thank you so much!

If your H can get better, so can my Beloved!

So what that its going to get worse? It IS going to get better afterwards, and then it will have been worth every single tear, every single gram of pain.

Thank you thank you thank you...

Now I'll go and have another cry, but tears of happiness for a change.

 

[Tabitha]

Lady Rig,

Just a note to say THANK YOU for the helping the rest of us realize that there can be light at the end of the tunnel!

I'm (not so) patiently awaiting seeing my flicker of light but I'm still holding on.

 

[Darrell P.]

I just diagnoseed with PTSD, I would like to know will PTSD symptoms ever go completely away, or will certain triggers keep it in the forefront of my life?

 

[cat]

Hi Darrell Welcome to the forum.

PTSD is not curable, you learn to manage your symptoms through the guideance of a good therapist & sometimes medication can be helpful too. During therapy things can feel much worse but that's good it shows that you are reprocessing your trauma & on your way to recovery.

For myself, I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago & have had 2yrs therapy. I consider myself to be in recovery now, I'm not completely symptom free, but I can manage my symptoms to enable me to have a good life & work full time. When I was first diagnosed I felt the way I was feeling was for ever but life does get better, take all the help you can get & work through your traumatic experiences in very small steps.

Somewhere within you is an inner strength you don't know you have yet, it will get you through this.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Darrell,

The good news is that you can get a life back and, while the trauma cannot be expunged, you can learn to manage your triggers and responses. It is hard tho', I struggled at times.

I have needed to return to therapy twice since my initial course, but I had the awareness to know when I was in trouble. I am six years out of my last T and fingers crossed, coping well.

Wishing you luck, x