PTSD; Childhood Sexual Abuse

[emilia]

Hi, my name is Emilia
or not really
but I use this name to feel save.

I'm from sweden.

I'v got PTSD and while I'v been reeding about complex PTSD I can see myself fitting in through my troubled times in life.. I'm not totally shore but I've been diagnosted with ptsd and I have been sexual abused when I was a child.

I am 40 years old and have been (don't know the english word) to sick to work for 14 years but to day I menage to work halftime even if it often feels like I just want to be left doing nothing.

I have also been diagnosed with ADHD some weeks ago and those who did the tests on me said that it was hard to know the difference between adhd and ptsd ... and with me they sad I did not act like people with adhd use to. I'm unsure if it's true that adhd is something really real in my life but I''m shore of PTSD that has followed me for to long time. I'm working hard to know myself and to leart how to take care of my feelings and so on...

As a young adult:
I have been using drogs, but no longer
I have had an eatingdisorder, anorexi and bulimi, but today it is better.
I was once raped by my ex boyfriend who were very sick in his drogabuse
I was raped by someone not close to me when I was drunk

I feel very lost in life but life gave me music and music is my religion. I play and sing to comfort myself, and I use to share my music with others.

I have a boyfriend but it feels like... I don't know how to get close

I feel very ashamed about my behavior, i jump up for nothing
I'm easy get trigged by almost anything... And I feel ashamed
I feel ashamed about almost everything
I feel ashamed while wrighting this to you


Happy to have found this place and also scared...

Thank you for reading my words and I am sorry that my english is so bad.
I've got dyslexi who makes it hard to spell well. I truly really try to my best.

Wish you all love and comfort

Emilia

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Emilia,

Your English is terrific, but your past has been very sad.

You should feel NO SHAME for anything done by others. Children are ALWAYS innocent and so were you.
Your experiences as an adult are very different now- and that is what counts, that is all that counts is today.

I hope you find much comfort, friendship, strength and support here, as well as healing.

Welcome!

 

[emilia]

Tears are falling as I read your words.

From the bottom of my soul
where love is growing
I say
THANK YOU

 

[Jline]

Welcome Emilia. I am new to this site too and it has helped me already. You should absolutely feel NO shame for what happened to you in the past. It's wonderful that you have joined this site as there are sooo many people who can relate to what you are going through. Thank you for your bravery, for sharing your story. Stay strong and keep singing*

 

[a3a2]

Dear Emilia,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you are seeking help. For me, I think that was the most difficult step. You should be proud of yourself for taking it.

As Jline said, there are many people here on the forum who can relate to what you have been and are going through. It is a good place to ask questions, vent, and still feel safe.

 

[emilia]

Jline and a3a2! Thank you for your words! Happy to meet you.

 

[AthenaErdmann]

Emilia, you are not alone.

I hope the rest of the gang forgive me for using a yet unsupported language (just briefly, in welcoming a newcomer): Du är en vacker själ. Ingenting som gjordes åt dig kan ta din grundläggande oskyldighet ifrån dig. Här är du bland vänner - vänner som är lika erbarmligt nervösa, lika sårade, lika osäkra, som kanske skriker lite ibland, och som säkert inte kan förstå allt, men som håller ihop för att vi har erfarenhet av att vi faktiskt kan hjälpa varandra.

Welcome, fellow Northerner! And for what it is worth: I also have an ADHD diagnosis and a (slight) reading and writing difficulty. I could not spell to save my life in any language, if it wasn't for computerized spell-checking.

Do stick around, and read, at your own speed: articles on the home page and older discussion threads. They are great resources for learning, self-understanding, and feeling connected. When you feel like writing more, we will love to hear more.

And if you get a few warnings for mistakes in choosing a forum or writing the topic title, don't worry - everybody gets those, they are part of learning to understand the "traffic rules" of this virtual village.

Please accept a few virtual ((hugs)), if they feel safe to you.

Athena

 

[anthony]

Hi Emilia,

As you are Swedish, and struggle to speak English, I have turned the Swedish language on which you can now use. Change your default language in your profile to Swedish, change your computer back to Swedish, and you can use your native language which will automatically be translated to English and other languages here. I hope this assists you better.

 

[Terrapin]

Hello Emilia,

Welcome to the forum I am new here also.

Feeling ashamed is my least favorite emotion and I feel that way more than I want too. Feeling shame can be very painful I know. There is no right way or wrong way to feel when it comes to your emotions, they are what they are. It is best to be able to recognize what your feelings are accept them and try to understand them. I have learned to be the observer of my emotions and feelings and have come to to accept them for what they are and that is just emotions.

I hope you will be able to learn to learn more about yourself and how to deal with all that challenges you. I am also new to this forum and I am scared too, but it is nice to be in the company of people facing similar issues.

Best wishes to you and hugs! Keep on singing and may music bring you peace.

Terrapin

 

[Sasha]

Dear Emilia, Welcome to the forum, I'm so sorry for all of your pain. Shame is a very difficult emotion, it keeps our heads down, our self esteem damaged. I struggle with it too. Your music must be very healing for you and must be helpful to have something to express yourself. Please feel no shame here, as we all are on the same journey to heal. Much peace to you, Sasha

 

[emilia]

Hi Athena.
Thank you for your comforting words, they reached my heart filled with fear. It meant something to me when you shared about ADHD. And so you speak swedish, how wonderful!
I've already been reading a lot of articles and I'm looking forward to read the diskussion threads. (My computer is often having troubles with this webpage for some reason I still don't know and often it does not work to upload the different pages here.)

When you say those words: "When you feel like writing more, we will love to hear more." it's hard to believe though I love to hear it... I wish so very much that I soon will be brave enough to share, my soul is full of so many questions. I don't know where to start and I don't now where to put my words, where they may fit in the right category. I'm also scared that I will keep on making mistakes even though I get warnings and so on. I have read the "trafic rules" and it may seem like I'm stupid (and yes, maybe I am) but I try my best and I'm a slow learning person...

Thank you for your hugs!
Love and comfort to you!


Hi Anthony.
Thank you for helping! But when I change to Swedish I find it even harder to understand... I think It's because the translation can't handle all the words and translate several words wrong. I have missunderstood a lot of things while reading and one message I couldn't understand at all... So I have changed back to english and will keep on trying to write the best I can if it's okey that my spelling and grammar is looking like this... You see I'm also scared if I would write in swedish and the translation would be missing words in a way that I can't control.. I can control my bad english.. I have used the swedish translation while reading articles and find it good to read them both in english and swedish.

Thank you for helping me and thank you so very much for this precious place!

Hi Terrapin.
It's wonderful to read your words about shame and feelings. It helped me, but I should write it down somewhere so I can see them often. Thank you for the hug! And this day have been a really bad day so I have done nothing but singing and playing.

Love and comfort to you

Hi Sasha
Your words moves my soul deeply. Thank you so very much.
Wish you love and comfort.

********************'

I have to tell you all this first before I will ever think of writing here again. I need you to know what I have done. I have done a terrible and unforgivebul thing when I was 10 or 11 years oldd.
The sexual abuse of me during 3-7 or 8 years old (I don't now for shore when it started and stopped) the therapist say is the reason why I did this thing. But I say it doesnt matter and that this thing I've done really means that I don't have the right to breath or live. Me and my littlebrother who was 2 or 3 years old where plaing, he jumped around me and we hugged and while hugging I sensed a strange feeling of my sexuality wakening up and I kept hugging him hard and so i got exited and wanted to come. I think he doesnt' remember and suffer from memoryloss because today we have a good relationship. I don't dare to tell him. What if his mind is protecting him from remember and i tell and I'm to big of a looser and a terrible person to dare and tell him.

I shared this with you so you now that I do should feel shame. And I share this because I want to know if I still can be on this forum. And I understand if people doesn't want to talk to me after reading this. I't okey.

 

[amethist]

Hi emilia

Of course you are still welcome here, you can stay as long as you want or need to. You did something that maybe a lot of other people did at a young age, not fully understanding any of it then. Your brother probably does not even remember you hugging him, so the rest will most likely not be remembered either. If I were you I would try, if you can, to forget all about that.

Concentrate on your own issues now, your own healing and how your relationship with your brother is today, not in the past. You were only 11 and he was only 3, a bad memory for you yes, but for him no memory of it at all.

Take care of yourself emilia. Stay on the forum, no one is going to ask you to leave.

Amethist