Relationship Ptsd Combat Vet

[windswept]

How is he using PTSD ab excuse for sex? Are you having sex with him because he has PTSD? Why would you keep having sex with a guy who threatened to call the police on you?

I have sex with him because I love him. When we are together, everything is almost back to normal.

Thanks. I needed to see that. I feel like I am "giving up" on him as he has a problem that he is TREATING. But at the same time, I wouldn't let a regular guy treat me like this.

 

[darrenS]

a small minority of sufferers suffer co-morbid disorders - if the problems or concerns are greater than the enjoyment and openesss, then the answer is quite simple. Some times we tend to attract people who in some ways share our pathology, however that may not always be healthy or have behaviours we found concerning and at times distressing. There is no way you can have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person and in the end you will lose all sense of identity , trust etc - is it worth it.?

Take the weight of your shoulders and enjoy who you are , in return you will attract people who think and act the same , it takes time and patience , but in the end you will be a more self assured person and open to attracting whats not best for you

 

[StarChild]

Obviously, you didn't read carefully, what I have quoted ... Look, you made two different statements which don't accord to each other... Okay, one last try:

This is your first "version" of the story:

He shoved me off, ran to the corner, started shaking, and kept yelling you only say hate when you want to kill someone. I calmly put on my clothes and left as I know with PTSD you leave them alone.

And this is your second version:

He screamed at me he was going to to call the cops unless I left right away,

Now, which one of them is the right / true one?... And why did he have to threaten you to leave, although you "had already left", as you wrote in your original post... That's what @Justmehere meant in her post #24 when she wrote, that there's something amiss.

 

[windswept]

Obviously, you didn't read carefully, what I have quoted ... Look, you made two different statements which don't accord to each other... Okay, one last try:

This is your first "version" of the story:

And this is your second version:
Now, which one of them is the right / true one?... And why did he have to threaten you to leave, although you "had already had left", as you wrote in your original post... That's what @Justmehere meant in her post #24 when she wrote, that there's something amiss.

Ok, I condensed it. Why are you acting like I am telling "versions?" He had an episode. He completely lost it screaming at me. I thought he was going to hurt me or himself. During his episode he screamed about cops, killing people, his gun, and mostly needing me to leave. He wouldn't let me even saying anything. Instead of freaking out screaming at him or saying I wasn't going to leave unless he said he loved me, I left as calmly as I could.

 

[Sighs]

... and you were in fear of your life, yet you have since been alone with him to have sex...

 

[windswept]

... and you were in fear of your life, yet you have since been alone with him to have sex...

I knew it was a PTSD attack. He would never hurt me if he isn't having an episode. This is why I am asking if he is ok to keep seeing as a friend. He is getting help, so maybe he can eventually have a relationship.

 

[Sighs]

But you clearly don't know what will trigger an "episode". So saying he would never hurt you outside of an episode is meaningless. The question is how dangerous is he when he IS having an episode. I've been with my combat vet 18 months and I can't always predict what will trigger him. My mother has been with my combat vet father for 49 years - 42 of them since his combat experience and she can't always predict what will trigger him.

Almost everyone here has told you that it is not ok to keep seeing him as a friend. (And clearly what you mean by that is a friend with benefits - even worse because sexual intimacy stirs up all sorts of emotions for both of you.)

Maybe he can eventually have a relationship. How long are you prepared to wait? How much hurt will you cause each other by seeing other people "in the meantime"?

 

[Seagreen]

@windswept I'm not sure why others have decided to shift the blame onto you. It was very gracious of your to clarify their misunderstandings of your post. There are always miscommunications in text. I just want to remind you that the way this guy behaved was abusive and is NOT ok. You came here for help and the only advice I can give is to say that it sounds like you are in over head with this guy already. Its probably a good idea to get out soon.

 

[Justmehere]

@TreeHugger - I didn't mean to imply that there was any intentional deception - just serious denial and over-pathologizing of what is really happening. I think that @windswept is beginning to face the truly unhealthy nature of this relationship that isn't about this guy's PTSD prognosis. As she has explained more, it seems like they have both been blaming the PTSD and staying in a relationship that is unhealthy for them both, and using PTSD as the reason to stay. None of us except windswept can know for sure.

@windswept -
I don't see this as you giving up on him at all. His recovery is up to him and some of his behavior isn't PTSD at all. Even if it was all PTSD, people with PTSD need others with good healthy boundaries and to face natural consequences for actions that are hurtful to others - like the way he has treated you.

It seems like you are trying to be the strong sacrificing one in order to help him, and do the best things for his condition. I know you care for him - you would have to care about him a lot to stay this long.

The best thing for him is for you to say no to this kind of treatment. Let him be. Any pain he would feel, it will hopefully propel him to work harder in treatment. If it doesn't, then you didn't need him anyhow.

I think this is especially important to leave this guy behind because you have been so hurt by similar guys who were players in the past. Your own healing, needs, and journey are just as important here.

I am very concerned about you two being friends. He actively was seeking to cheat on you. It's time it you, for your sake, to say NO to guys like that being in your life. You almost sound like he abused woman who keeps going back to her abuser or ending up in new abusive relationships. I think there are some unresolved wounds or hurts that you have that are leading you to stay in unhealthy and dangerous relationships much longer than you should be in them.

The other problem with being friends is that when someone is in treatment for PTSD, it usually gets worse before it gets better. He has already show an ability to hurt you in several very serious ways. I also think it will be incredibly hard for both of you to stay friends - it will be stressful for you both. Treatment is hard enough. He isn't ready at all for a close relationship and certainly not the stress of a friendship with a girl he used to date (and that kind of friendship is hard under the best of circumstances.)

But most of all, I am most concerned about you and all the new future possible healthier relationships you would be shutting yourself off too while waiting for this guy to change - and a lot more than just treatment for PTSD would have to happen before a relationship with him could be healthy... a lot...

I think it is actually good for both of you to give up on a relationship between you two. It's very ok to let him go - albeit a very hard thing to do. It's not even so much giving up on him as it is investing in a better future for you with someone who is ready and who treats you well. :hug:

 

[Larksong]

I knew to leave as I know people with PTSD could hurt me...

I respect your frightening experience and your justified desire to protect yourself. But I do need to point out, as someone who has spent 2 years involved with a combat PTSD "sufferer," that I've never heard that "people with PTSD" as a group are any more likely to physically hurt others than people with any other medical condition. Yes, I've heard of studies that have found certain correlations, but absolutely nothing that demonstrates that having PTSD in and of itself is a cause of violence: There seems pretty universally to be another factor involved, such as unmanaged anger issues or substance abuse. Considering that the US Veterans Affairs Dept says about 8 percent of the general population will experience PTSD at some point in their lives, that would make for some terrifying violent crime statistics if all those people were walking around just ready to be set off. In fact, you will hear from some sufferers who choose, in great pain, to "isolate" rather than risk unintentionally harming a loved one.

I found a helpful explanation at the website of the group Badge of Life, which works to prevent police suicides. (The forum's spam filter won't let me post the link, just google "Does PTSD cause violence" and "Badge of Life.") The authors say the effect of media sensationalism of PTSD "is to stigmatize not only veterans with PTSD, but all PTSD sufferers, as being potentially dangerous." They also write, "Simply put, PTSD is 'fear' based, not 'aggression' based.The DSM-IV-R (Diagnostic Statistical Manual, Revised) is clear."

Of course you were right to be concerned about threatening words coupled with the fact that he keeps a gun (I am guessing many of our vets have guns), and I would never blame you for putting your physical safety first. But I'm very disturbed and offended by the suggestion that PTSD can somehow predispose a person to violence. As in other conditions, a person with PTSD is an individual and is always more than the diagnosis.

Your guy is indeed "a regular guy," he's just a guy with a very serious condition that is probably scaring him far more than he is scaring you--and it's one he has no choice but to live with 24 hours a day. No amount of layperson-level research, no matter how well-meaning, will ever be able to help us on the other side of PTSD be sure we're always doing the right thing.

It does sound to me that your man may never be 100% likely to meet your standards for an ongoing relationship. You may want to distance yourself completely from the situation for a while, to allow you to more clearly reevaluate how you feel. Whatever form a relationship with anyone, PTSD sufferer or non-sufferer, takes, one requirement should be that you must always feel physically safe.

Wishing both of you comfort, safety and peace.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like @Larksong 's post above.

I may be reading something incorrectly here, but as I understand from what was posted originally the response was a meltdown on his part & an acting out & words to the effect that "the word 'hate' is only used with killing". Followed by your leaving, & that he owns a gun, something I suspect is more common where you live than I. But of course, that he has combat training. And that you were overwhelmed by his response, & concerned for both your welfare, & of the belief "leaving is what should be done".

Having sex or multiple partners is very different from loving someone, or making love for that matter. If you can't tell which one it is, likely it isn't.

Similarly, almost anything (including ptsd, for sufferers or supporters), is a very different experience IRL than from a textbook.

I think ptsd is, or has, the potential to be a life-or-death battle. It really requires great emotional maturity, responsibility, patience & commitment. I think, bottom line, both of you perhaps would be a better fit with others, at least for now.

 

[windswept]

I respect your frightening experience and your justified desire to protect yourself. But I do need to point out, as someone who has spent 2 years involved with a combat PTSD "sufferer," that I've never heard that "people with PTSD" as a group are any more likely to physically hurt others than people with any other medical condition. Yes, I've heard of studies that have found certain correlations, but absolutely nothing that demonstrates that having PTSD in and of itself is a cause of violence: There seems pretty universally to be another factor involved, such as unmanaged anger issues or substance abuse. Considering that the US Veterans Affairs Dept says about 8 percent of the general population will experience PTSD at some point in their lives, that would make for some terrifying violent crime statistics if all those people were walking around just ready to be set off. In fact, you will hear from some sufferers who choose, in great pain, to "isolate" rather than risk unintentionally harming a loved one.

What I was saying is that the man I knew and had dated for months that couldn't hurt anyone or anything could become someone else and hurt me or himself. I wasn't saying PTSD makes you more hostile.