Hi guys! I've been watching this page for a little while but have finally decided to register. I can't give a whole lot of details, but suffice to say I was dating someone a few months ago that was abusive but I didn't realize it at the time. I felt like I was in a fog. After the breakup I started realizing things and realized I had some pretty intense ptsd. I'm working with an EMDR therapist now who specializes in predators and criminals.
I'm still deep in denial. I have to be absolutely sure about my testimony because if I'm not I could incriminate someone who doesn't deserve it. I'd rather die than do that. I'm having a hard time believing my memories.
I kept feeling like I should see a doc a month ago. I was absolutely positive I wasn't raped but then I went in just to check for an infection because I was hurting and burning a lot down there and low and behold, not only was it not intact it wasn't even there. I was all stretched out far beyond normal for even sexually active people, and I was infected with something virgins very rarely get. Yep. Cue craziness.
My ex lives nearby but I moved so he doesn't know where I live now. Though he knows where I work and go to school. Everyday I feel like I'm walking through a minefield. I am crazy hyper vigilant for if I see his car which I have several times. All my classmates worry about finals and I worry about not getting murdered on my way to school.
Which brings up a fun fact. My EMDR brought back memories. Not visual much but body memories. By the way those are HORRIBLE. Also extremely painful. My biggest trigger was a gun. So I thought it dealt with rape. I had felt the rape previously at a session. But then out of the blue it was something completely different. To the tune of "hey what did you do over the weekend?" And I'd say "oh I looked for dead bodies in the middle of the woods how about you?"
Yeah.
Anyway I have been put into a state of massive confusion because I found out that one detail that I was always concerned about potentially being wrong was indeed false. So now I'm wondering if anything is true. And when you're charging someone with rape and potential murder you kind of want to be sure.
Then I've been reading all that stuff about false memories and I just don't know what to believe anymore. I feel lost. I can't see my therapist for another month because of a scheduling mishap. I don't know what to believe. I'd rather be crazy than admit this is real. I have no idea what to do now.
I'm still deep in denial. I have to be absolutely sure about my testimony because if I'm not I could incriminate someone who doesn't deserve it. I'd rather die than do that. I'm having a hard time believing my memories.
I kept feeling like I should see a doc a month ago. I was absolutely positive I wasn't raped but then I went in just to check for an infection because I was hurting and burning a lot down there and low and behold, not only was it not intact it wasn't even there. I was all stretched out far beyond normal for even sexually active people, and I was infected with something virgins very rarely get. Yep. Cue craziness.
My ex lives nearby but I moved so he doesn't know where I live now. Though he knows where I work and go to school. Everyday I feel like I'm walking through a minefield. I am crazy hyper vigilant for if I see his car which I have several times. All my classmates worry about finals and I worry about not getting murdered on my way to school.
Which brings up a fun fact. My EMDR brought back memories. Not visual much but body memories. By the way those are HORRIBLE. Also extremely painful. My biggest trigger was a gun. So I thought it dealt with rape. I had felt the rape previously at a session. But then out of the blue it was something completely different. To the tune of "hey what did you do over the weekend?" And I'd say "oh I looked for dead bodies in the middle of the woods how about you?"
Yeah.
Anyway I have been put into a state of massive confusion because I found out that one detail that I was always concerned about potentially being wrong was indeed false. So now I'm wondering if anything is true. And when you're charging someone with rape and potential murder you kind of want to be sure.
Then I've been reading all that stuff about false memories and I just don't know what to believe anymore. I feel lost. I can't see my therapist for another month because of a scheduling mishap. I don't know what to believe. I'd rather be crazy than admit this is real. I have no idea what to do now.
