Relationship Ptsd Ex Broke Up - Help For A Carer

[jon-carer85]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum as a poster but have been reading a lot of the posts here for a while and have greatly benefit from them.

In my case me and my girlfriend (now ex) have been dating for 6 months (we broke up a week ago). The relationship was great, affection, attentiveness, etc, with her pressuring me to make it official. Over a month ago the distance cycle started. She became distant and was not being as affectionate with me as she always was. She got diagnosed with PTSD about 2-3 months ago but the symptoms never really showed until for a little over a month now after she got back from a trip. She lived overseas for a while, was in a serious relationship and I truly think her ex traumatized in a way, he didn't want to marry her and she had to come back to the US, losing her life and friends over because of visa issues. Adding that to having a really lonely childhood. She went back to visit friends over there and I think that was a big trigger for her falling into depression, seeing them again and how her old life would be. I know she does not have feelings for her ex at all but she did see him and that could have contributed too. I have to say when the cycle started I took it personally as I am only human and was used to this person being affectionate with me and wanted to see me pretty constantly, but I was reading a lot about the subject, educating myself, making an effort, being as supportive and patient as I could be, I did flake a few times as any human would do.

She showed signs about wanting to open up to me a few times, saying she had a really lonely childhood and that her brother was basically her parent, I didn't push for her to keep going, I just thought that if she wanted to open up she would eventually do it completely when she felt comfortable. She has always been an honest person with me, which is one of the qualities I love about her and she did mention before leaving on the trip that she might be feeling really depressed when she got back and that is exactly what happened. When she got back the distance was obvious and we had a talk, she agreed in taking things slower since she need time and space, but since we really cared about each other it was worth it to give the relationship a try. This lasted over 2 weeks, she kept asking for more space every, alienating herself, which ended in us breaking up. She said that she did not feel the same feelings for me anymore, that she was numb, felt emotionally dead and that she has a lot of things that she needs to work on for herself and the pressure of a relationship was too much for her.

She is really smart and has always wanted to get herself sorted (which I see as a great sign - since most people that don't succeed is because they don't accept their condition and don't get help). Also she has never been disrespectul, abusive violent, agressive with me and I've never seen her had any time of tamtrum. Also there is not substance abuse of any kind.

She has been in therapy for a month now, where she is opening up about her trauma. I know this person cares deeply about me, we do share a spcial connection, I have no doubt about that, it is a common cycle amongst PTSD and this a cycle that can get better over time with treatment. She did tell me that she felt guity that she couldn't give me what I deserve, that I deserved better, that she screws up her relationships, she is not worthy of love, need to learn how to communicate better and that it wasn't me at all.

Thankfully I did not do the begging of please stay with me I love you routine and simply said that if she didn't have feelings for me that I accepted that and that she felt how she felt. She asked for a hug, hugged me crying and I left. She looked really upset during our talk and I honestly could feel her frustation about wanting to feel something and her illness is preventing her from it at this time

For me this has been extremely tough since I do love this girl an I miss her terribly. She had some tests a couple of days after our breakup; the tests where to confirm she had PTSD (which seems pretty spot on from all the symptons she has shown). I asked her how they went a got a normal/quick reply like she will always do, she asked me how I was and she mentioned that all she wanted was to get better, which ended with me being supportive saying you are doing what you should do, taking the right steps and that she will. We haven't spoken since and it has been a week and I'm not going to lie, it's been tough. This person has a lot of great qualities, work with kids and is an amazing person, it is just sad and unfair to see her going through this, but I do know that I can't fix her unfortunately.

I was thinking in reaching out in a couple of weeks (let things cool off for a little), hoping her well and ask her to meet up and catch up. I just really need to say that I want to be that person that is going to give her the reasurrance that she needs, that I understand there are going to be times where she wants to alienate herself and be alone and that I get that, that during those times I could focus on myself and be supportive, that I know that I can't fix her but I can always offer my support. I want to tell her that the timing is off right now for this relationship since she needs to work on herself and I totally get that. That in the meantime I would focus on myself and that I don't really want to go anywhere, that I do want to be there when the time is right. I want to tell her that she has a good chance of getting better because she is getting help and when she is ready we should try again since we have a built a strong bond over this past months, share something special that does not need to go to waste. What I'm worried is that I don't want to scare her off, I'm going to try to be as light an brief as possible. I would really appreciate some insight and advice (sufferers would be great) in how to approach her. Do you guys see a good chance for this person getting better?. In the meantime I do plan in focusing on myself and stay healthy, and be strong since I can't let this deteriorate me.

I have to add that reading all of this posts has been like reading about myself, incredible how a pattern works really similar in all of the cases.

Thank you very much, sorry about the long post and I feel for everyone who has gone through this,

Jon

 

[Seasounds]

Kindly and directly, as she cares for you, and you for her, it sounds like (for all the possibilities you listed and perhaps even for more unknown) reasons, she wants to let go of relational ties. :cry:

It is true, you are not 'the problem'. No one ever is. Relationships are a dynamic between two people; it is either a workable relationship or not, for either individual. You have been compassionate and patient. A wonderful gift! :)

Stresses related to relationships, to life, and to PTSD (depression, triggers, losses, anxiety, etc.) wax and wane. Sometimes, relationships trigger PTSD; that is why some people take a break from them. As you mentioned, her healing work is hers, not yours. Emotional work and healing isn't linear, that is why the time of healing isn't predictable (2-20 years.) :meh:

Meanwhile, it is good self-care to feel good about yourself, respect her wishes, and enjoy new people that you seek or who enter your life. In your self-care, I hope you take time to feel your emotions (e.g. sadness, loss, anger,etc) from this shift. A therapist may be helpful.:tup:

Hearts heal. Take care.:shy:

 

[shimmerz]

I have a different take on this one. yes, we do alienate but it isn't always what we want. I know I alienated in order to 'save' other people from the drama of me at the time. There were those that I learned to trust really wanted to help but I felt ever so guilty for dragging them through the ptsd pit of doom. But these people who were there when I needed them and stood back when I went away (and normally that was to save them from - well me) are brilliant stars in my life. I don't know where I would be without them.

I feel like people like you are fantastic and it seems that your ideas are realistic as you are willing to stand back when necessary and not expecting that a relationship is reasonable at this time. However you can be a friend. This is something you should give great thought to. Make sure your friendship purely altruistic. there should be no 'end goal' of a intimate relationship at the end as this may not be possible ever for her.

 

[jon-carer85]

Hi shimmerz,

Firstly thank you for your insight as a suferer, it means a lot and I really appreciate it. I do have a couple of questions though. Since we haven't spoken and I haven't checked up on her in a week, do you think she is thinking that I don't care anymore?, the thing is if I keep checking up on her not giving her space she might just freak out even more, run and shut me off completely. Do you think for me to reach out in a couple of weeks is appropiate?, in my opinion it is a reasanable amount of time to let things cool down a little and I can see how shes doing, letting her know I care. I do want her to know how I feel and that I want to be there and try to remove that thought that she might think she is saving me. She is the one that makes me happy and for sure I want to let her know that.. This is a person that I don't want out of my life and I will always want to help.

 

[Aching65]

Hey @Jon-carer85 I seem to be I the same boat as yours. Only trouble is that I have pushed her away trying desperately to help her. I probably did not give her enough space. Now I have not heard from her for a week after I told her I spoke to a friend psychiatrist to ask for more info. I told her I wanted to make sure I understand what she is going trough and was behaving appropriately to support her. Well seem like I disappointed her as I spoke to a third party, she fell violated, humiliated and told me to leave and to get out of her life. Have not heard from her since.

I have learned so much on here and now realize acting like a normal partner brought me down.

What is happening now in your relationship?

 

[abs_21]

@jon-carer85 I too have been going through the same situation since February. Long story short, met a guy, fell in love, it too he a while to commit and would often pull away from the relationship. He didn't tell me about his PTSD (also bipolar 2) until a few weeks after we moved in together with my children.

Anyway, things got stressful in February for various reasons and we had an argument over something that seemed silly to be but he upped and left and emotionally shut down. He wouldn't talk to me, reply to texts, wouldn't acknowledge the relationship or that he had just walked away from the woman he loved and planned to spend the rest of his life with.

I didn't give up on him or us. I made a decision to pursue the relationship as I know in my heart of hearts he's the one for me. I'm not going to lie he rejected me many times and this hurt so much. But 4 months later we are back together (he's not moved back in yet) have been away for long weekends, going away for the weekend with the kids next week, going to Egypt for a week together, have been on dates, stayed over at the house and last night he told me him loved me for the first time since we split.

It would have been easy for me to walk away and be angry with him for how he treated me and our relationship but I couldn't do this. Love wins in the end. Its a tough path im not going to lie, its not the fairytale that I dreamed of as a kid. I have researched PTSD and bipolar so I am fully educated and have received counselling to help me as it greatly effected my self esteem.... but my story seems to be working out... I hope yours does too.

 

[Aching65]

Thanks @abs_21 It is very tough. 4 months? I thing our recent troubles started in February, but we never had total isolation like the past week. We always stayed in touch somehow, phoning, and spending a little time together. But then she would go off and ignore me for a few days.

My mind wonders between the fact that she just doesn't love me anymore and just found a reason to breakup, or the fact that she does love me but having started her therapy, is not momentarily totally messed up in pain.....

When I think about it I get angry, feel I do not deserve this attitude, and then realize I love her and have to keep helping. But helping do what? It seems so hopeless...

 

[abs_21]

Yes it had been tough im afraid, but I think it may have been more to do with my attitude. I was un willing to let him just walk away. I knew how he felt about me and our relationship, I am the only person he has told about his illness in the last 6 years and I wasn't prepared for him to turn his back on us like he had many other relationships when the going go tough. Even if the outcome was not a relationship, I love him, and wanted to make sure he was ok fundamentally.

Once we had a form of contact again, all be it limited, I could see that he wasn't taking care of himself. He wasn't sleeping, was eating junk food and had put on weight and was working hellishly long hours as a form of distraction. He wouldn't talk about the relationship or us or what had happened and when I brought up the subject he looked physically in pain.

I made sure that he knew I was here and loved him although I am sure that he didn't always appreciate my messages. Luckily we had the house together so although he had moved out we have to remain in contact for practical reasons. One night he was on a low and sent me a text saying i would have been better off if I had never met him (which is not the case) instead of indulging him I booked us an appointment with the veterans out reach service and he accepted which was a great step in him admitting that the actions of his illness had been a contributing factor to the problems in our relationship. Up until this point he was adamant that this was a normal break up and it just hadn't worked out where as I knew the truth and the only explanation to me that he would walk out of the home we had created, from the life we were building, the day after he said he was thinking about us getting married, totally shut down and isolate was PTSD and Bi polar.

We started meeting up once a fortnight, going for something to eat or just staying in and watch TV. When we were together it was live nothing had changed, we hade a great time but wouldn't discuss "us" and when he left we went back to nothing so my heart was broken every time. But I stuck by us, kept my feelings to myself as much as I could I just took what he could offer. This was really hard on my self esteem but counselling helped. I too felt like the illness was an excuse and he was using me or keeping me hanging on until something better came along, that wasn't the case and im so glad I stuck it out. He was just giving me all he could at the time.

My advice to you is take care of yourself first and foremost. I couldn't sleep, lost a stone in weight, took up smoking and drank to forget. Counselling helped me realise that what happened was not a reflection on me, that I couldn't control him or his illness and gave me tools to help me with anxiety and to relax. Plus it was nice to be able to let it all out to someone else. I remember one session I said nothing at all, I sobbed so hard for an hour and then went home but boy, I felt better afterwards.

Patience is the key. You have to be patient... oh and never be afraid to love more than the other person.

 

[shimmerz]

So sorry @jon-carer85. I didn't realize you had asked me something so forgive me please for dropping the ball. One of the things that people didn't understand about me was that there were times that I needed my space. I fluctuated between not wanting to hurt those around me and feeling overwhelmed by those checking in with me when I had so little energy I could barely move. I was acutely aware that I was hurting these people by not returning their calls when all they were trying to do was to help, but for me it felt like being trapped in quicksand. I just couldn't reach back to those who were reaching out to me. It was a shameful feeling as that was not who I was.

What I appreciated about those that 'held on' was their just accepting that I was doing the best I could. Those that said, I just care but no pressure to get back to me. Those that allowed me to be me and trusting that I had the best intentions but just could not follow up a lot of the time. So I don't think it is so much the amount of time that goes in between your contact but instead the intention you put out there.

Don't expect anything back which will test you on your co-dependency issues. As @abs_21 says,

My advice to you is take care of yourself first and foremost.

And if for some reason you cannot keep this in perspective, then you must look to yourself as to why this is happening. If you are not strong then when they need you the most you will not be able to be there for them.

But helping do what? It seems so hopeless...

@Aching65 I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are in great conflict and it is important to keep yourself grounded. The natural need for anger is justified. The confusion is justified. All of what you feel is justified. Realizing that most likely your friend is processing some pretty overwhelming stuff is important but losing site of yourself is not going to be helpful in the end.

I had a friend (still do) who gave his all to me but it burned him out. I had another friend who was much better at saying what she could and could not do. At the end of the day she was a much better role model for me when I got to the stage where I started to understand my own limitations and I forced the male friend I had to stop (because I loved him and cared about him). He is learning to let go of my pain and focus on himself. Now it is less about my PTSD and more about respecting and loving him for what he has been to me, what he is, and how far he has grown through this process.

People with PTSD can teach others so much about themselves.