Ptsd from being dumped 4 years ago...

[WindupDoll]

I would research attachment disorders. I am a firm believer that being an only child in and of it's se...

i guess my mother was the closest...i was attached to her because she was the only one in my life, my mother was always firm with me saying "I can never be your friend just your mother.." I know parents say that because they have a job to do and the child needs to respect the parent, but it always made me feel kinda sad when she said it.. so I guess no one really, I got less attached to my mother as I got older..my ex was the first person i pretty much interacted with.

 

[Fadeaway]

I would venture to guess that is the root of your issues. It's not exactly trauma, but it can cause a myriad of emotional issues. Humans are social creatures. We are tribal creatures. Children aren't meant to grow up all alone. I really think it is worth your while to look up attachment theory and speak to a therapist about it.

 

[WindupDoll]

i guess my mother was the closest...i was attached to her because she was the only one in my life, m...

i mean my mom does love me, she did spoiled me a lot when I was growing up with toys and stuff but she was the popular kid in school when she was a teenager so we never connected on the social issues that I had growing up..its strange having the IT girl as your mother and your the geeky chick that would get picked on, every time I talk about it she would get upset people were bothering me in school but she didn't get why it hurt me so much..sometimes she would even pick on me thinking it was funny..not knowing that it really hurts me...I hope the helps explain the situation..

 

[Muttly]

thank you for your replay Muttly i love you bold answer, and yes it was 4 years ago but he was 3 years older then me..do you think he never liked or loved me honestly? do you think he just used me and was done with me?..

None of us can answer that. He could well have liked or loved you and just expressed it in a different way than you express and feel like and love. And then found his needs weren't being met. His needs were maybe for a a more casual relationship. In other words, you could have been incompatible. As far as him getting married, when he said he wouldn't. People change. Especially when they are only 24 or so. His getting married to someone else isn't about you. It's not a rejection of you.

I agree whole-heartedly with Fadeway. I think you need to explore attachment issues. I understand that it was your first time and that's a very big deal. I understand it hurt when it ended. But normally, those hurts fade. Most people don't stay in their first serious relationship. Relationships ending is one of those rotten things that we humans have to deal with in life. And if you are desperate to have a relationship, be loved, not be rejected, it sets you up for patterns of hurt and fear that can cause a lot of harm.

 

[WindupDoll]

None of us can answer that. He could well have liked or loved you and just expressed it in a different w...

thank you so much for you help guys, i honestly figured I had attachment issues but its very helpful to have other people agree with it, that just gives me a better understanding of who I am and what i need to work on. Right now in my current relationship, my boyfriend suffers with the same issues with his parents he has attachment issues as well.That is most likely why are relationship is going so well,we have been together for four years now. Its strange though because i thought my ex had those issues too (his was adopted, and his parents did not connect with him)...i guess because of he had attachment with his friends it filed the void...that is what makes him different from me and my current bf I guess...he always was so cold and distant..

 

[Fadeaway]

Forget material items, what about affection and quality time with your mom?

 

[WindupDoll]

Forget material items, what about affection and quality time with your mom?

i am not sure what you mean? i guess you mean have i ever had special time with my mother?

if so yes, I used to watch old tv shows, and thrillers with her. My mom would tell me all the stories of her life, so she was not afraid to open up with me...its just when the job popped up things got bad, she would get so angry at me when I had problems learning something, sometimes she would just do my homework for me because she was too tired to deal with me..I took that very personal as a kid thinking i was born stupid and that I couldn't help myself. Because I struggled to get help academically, i fought learning things like multiplication tables it always resulted in crying and yelling either from me or her....

 

[joeylittle]

You've got a lot going on in your life.

The relationship to the ex sounds like it was dysfunctional pretty early on, and just got increasingly worse. At this point, you need to disconnect completely from that person and make your life move forward. Don't look them up on social media, get rid of any tokens you kept...push yourself forward.

You don't get PTSD from a breakup (as @Ragdoll Circus pointed out) - and I don't even know that it's useful to think of it as traumatic. It was a bad breakup, it was a dysfunctional relationship, and sure it's painful, but you also learned a lot, right? Life is a bumpy road.

Pay attention to what you have now; and if you want this relationship to stay healthy, look into maybe doing a couples retreat, or explore some communication/codependency books you could work through together. Learning how to be in a functional relationship is a process. It's a myth to think that if the love is real, everything else just falls into place. It doesn't. It takes work.

Make sure your entire life is not consumed by this relationship, as it was by your previous one.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think your behavior towards your ex borders on stalkerish. I'm not even seeing things he's done that are that bad. A threesome? Completely normal. Carrying a knife? Completely normal. (I live in a rural area.)

And here's a tidbit of advice.

EVERY guy who breaks up with you but wants to leave the door open for sex or to get back together will say "let's be friends". It's COMPLETELY transparent. It's not a true friendship as the "friendship" ends when he finds a new girl. It's just a thing that guys do.

I really don't think this guy has everyone drinking the kool-aid......but if he does, news flash, you are drinking it too.

 

[WindupDoll]

I think your behavior towards your ex borders on stalkerish. I'm not even seeing things he's done...

thank you for being honest

 

[WindupDoll]

I think your behavior towards your ex borders on stalkerish. I'm not even seeing things he's done...

in re-response to your comment, i had to take a big break for a second because i had a big anxiety attack from your response, im not used to takeing very brutal advice on something so personal but....i am going to be an adult and say your most likely right....i was obsessive with this person...he was my first lover and true friend and it pained me when he started to pull away.

when it started it was nothing like that first, i was scared to get close at first..but when i started feeling love and he got really busy it caused me to get obsessive...i do sometimes want to say sorry to him for that behavior but its sadly over now...i havent spoken to him in over 4 years and like what everyone else said, its most likely best to keep it that way.

now for the threesome thing, i acually messed up my typeing, it was a foursome he had..his best friend swaped there girl togeather..i really didnt mean to make threesomes or open relationships bad..i just was scared by it cause i have never been around that type of enviorment, at the time i didnt know how to handle it..

and for the knife thing is completly understandable why he would carry a combat knife with him...but again i never been around that type of enviorment befor, so i was scared and some what worried if he was paranoid alot by people comeing up to attack him..i have alot of anxiety on my own to deal with..it kinda was makeing me nervous alot at the time. plus he lived in such a nice area compaired to mine i..just couldnt help but judge..

im really deeply sorry if i offended you from my post i never really ment to do that to anyone but again thank you for your no BS advice..it really hurt alot because im tired of hearing bad things about but me and im scared of being judged,but i know you were just trying to slap reality into me..thank you

 

[Suzetig]

I think you would benefit from looking st your anxiety levels and doing some work to get that under control. Your initial post and some of your responses here point to a level of anxiety which I'm guessing gets in the way of daily life for you.

@EveHarrington was direct, yes, but I wouldn't have said her response was brutal and there's a lot of truth on what she says about guys who want to have their cake and eat it too. Maybe take a step back and read through the forum to get a sense of how discussions tend to go. Support doesn't always come in a gentle, agreeable package and some folk are more direct than others, and some folk will downright disagree with you but it's fur you to take what's is helpful and leave the rest.

I'm with @joeylittle, your break up was a break up, it sounds fairly usual and while no doubt painful it's not enough to cause PTSD. Your life has moved on in the past four years, hearing about your ex getting married has reopened an old would. Let it heal and focus on building your current relationship.