I found my way to this site after being diagnosed with PTSD for childhood abuse and neglect.
I have spent many years trying to shut it all out and not allow it to be real, and it was all a story in my head about a teddy or another little girl, but recently I have finally been able to come to that place where I know I can shut it out no longer and am having EMDR with a sexual therapist and also ministry with a Christian centre called Ellel ministries, who have been so key in helping me learn more to accept myself and work through the truth of the things which happpened instead of shutting them out and going into self hatred and denial.
During my teenage years I used self harm and drugs to shut everything out and ended up in hospital a couple of times from overdoses, but my Christian faith really helped me overcome that and when I married my husband things were a lot more positive. We have four amazing children, who have really helped me overcome so much, but after my mum died ten years ago things really got hard and particularly for the last six years since my youngest was not so dependant on me for breastfeeding, I really hit a low place and was very ill with anorexia, loosing half my body weight in a few months. Since going to Ellel I have stabilised my eating and now am not suffering from the eating disorder, as I made a definite decision that I would choose life and not death, but over the years it has still been very hard at times, and though I always thought my children would be enough to keep me alive, I ended up taking an OD about two years ago at the end of a series of Cognative Analitical Therapy sessions, when even though at the time things were still not real to me and were just a story in my head, they had concerns about someone from my past, and I was left feeling very terrified, convinced he was coming, and very angry with myself for even letting any of it have a voice. There was no follow up from the Mental Health team at the time, as it was the end of the sessions, but my GP was very good and Ellel really did support me through and help me get through that time.
More recently I was rereferred back to a sexual therapist who I trust a lot and had worked with before and we are doing the EMDR, and though it is very hard, I do know this is so important and that I really do have to learn to accept and work through all these things, because no matter how much I have tried in the past I know they have never gone away, and really do believe it is time to alow that little girl who still feels so trapped and terrified to finaly be able to feel safe, and really am trying to keep feeding in that I am now safe and keep myself grounded and hope to be able to be able to get through this and really be free of it.
I still struggle a lot with facing it and in so many ways do not even want it to be true, but know I can no longer go to that place, though I do find it very hard how much it really does effect my day to day life and so many things at the moment. I really do struggle a lot with keeping my head grounded and feel so terrified so much of the time, and hate the way it effects my children, husband and work and everything else, but I know also that without all those things I really would never have been able to get through all this and am so grateful that I do have the support I do have around me, as I would never have got through without.
I do not really know if it is usual to write quite so much as an introduction, and find it quite hard to write at all, but know so well that being open and honest really is the most important thing and hope all of what I have said is OK.
Thank you for reading
Helen
I have spent many years trying to shut it all out and not allow it to be real, and it was all a story in my head about a teddy or another little girl, but recently I have finally been able to come to that place where I know I can shut it out no longer and am having EMDR with a sexual therapist and also ministry with a Christian centre called Ellel ministries, who have been so key in helping me learn more to accept myself and work through the truth of the things which happpened instead of shutting them out and going into self hatred and denial.
During my teenage years I used self harm and drugs to shut everything out and ended up in hospital a couple of times from overdoses, but my Christian faith really helped me overcome that and when I married my husband things were a lot more positive. We have four amazing children, who have really helped me overcome so much, but after my mum died ten years ago things really got hard and particularly for the last six years since my youngest was not so dependant on me for breastfeeding, I really hit a low place and was very ill with anorexia, loosing half my body weight in a few months. Since going to Ellel I have stabilised my eating and now am not suffering from the eating disorder, as I made a definite decision that I would choose life and not death, but over the years it has still been very hard at times, and though I always thought my children would be enough to keep me alive, I ended up taking an OD about two years ago at the end of a series of Cognative Analitical Therapy sessions, when even though at the time things were still not real to me and were just a story in my head, they had concerns about someone from my past, and I was left feeling very terrified, convinced he was coming, and very angry with myself for even letting any of it have a voice. There was no follow up from the Mental Health team at the time, as it was the end of the sessions, but my GP was very good and Ellel really did support me through and help me get through that time.
More recently I was rereferred back to a sexual therapist who I trust a lot and had worked with before and we are doing the EMDR, and though it is very hard, I do know this is so important and that I really do have to learn to accept and work through all these things, because no matter how much I have tried in the past I know they have never gone away, and really do believe it is time to alow that little girl who still feels so trapped and terrified to finaly be able to feel safe, and really am trying to keep feeding in that I am now safe and keep myself grounded and hope to be able to be able to get through this and really be free of it.
I still struggle a lot with facing it and in so many ways do not even want it to be true, but know I can no longer go to that place, though I do find it very hard how much it really does effect my day to day life and so many things at the moment. I really do struggle a lot with keeping my head grounded and feel so terrified so much of the time, and hate the way it effects my children, husband and work and everything else, but I know also that without all those things I really would never have been able to get through all this and am so grateful that I do have the support I do have around me, as I would never have got through without.
I do not really know if it is usual to write quite so much as an introduction, and find it quite hard to write at all, but know so well that being open and honest really is the most important thing and hope all of what I have said is OK.
Thank you for reading
Helen
