• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Ptsd, I Found My Son Dead

Status
Not open for further replies.
Losing a child doesn't cause PTSD. Finding them dead on the floor purple, stiff, and cold when you don't expect to find them that way does. I know my son is gone, I understand what happened to him, I visit his grave, etc. The PTSD keeps bringing me back to points of finding him dead. Over and Over again. In all its shock and horror. The nightmares, the blackouts, friends telling me about moments where my conversation will stop I have blank expression and tremble. My left eye will twitch and I seem to be staring a million miles away. I have been battling this crap for 5yrs. I would love to have a simple grief issue as you seem to suggest. I would love for you to be right. But your not. I am came here hoping to find someone to share my experiences with. I am glad to be uniqe here. I would never wish upon someone to stumble on the fact thier kid is dead. So am I in the wrong place here?

I went to counseling for the grief with the Phycologist for the better part of a year. And taking the drugs to keep the ptsd in check so I could make it through the counseling sessions. The thing about taking the drugs was I had to go back every 30 days to get a new script. If I was more than 5 min late to the appointment my butt was paying 300 out of pocket. and waiting 5-7 days for a new appointment. Which also ment I went without. I really don't like talking about my clinical history too much. Brings back alot of bad memories about a very bad time. But all of this should satisfy you.

Not that anyone should ever have to "qualify" to be here, but each time I read your story, my heart breaks for you a little bit more. Sorry you DO "qualify", for PTSD or grief in the first place.

As a parent I cannot even imagine the horror of what you described. It makes me ill, and heartbroken, so I can only have the vaguest imaginings of what you must have felt, walking in to make sure he had taken his meds, and finding that.

It is every parent's worst nightmare coming true--that and kidnapping.

I am one of those people who just never got a chance at a normal life, and experienced trauma after trauma after trauma, until I hit early adulthood. But even after all I have been through, it pales in comparison to that. In fact my daughter is the one thing out of all that that I can say without qualification, I wouldn't change a thing, just because if I did, she wouldn't be here.

She gave me a reason, a motivation, and a strength that I never had... And I was pretty strong before her, but I was losing the fight. There is a very good possibility that without that sense of purpose and being needed, that I would not be here right now. When I most needed it, it gave me an even deeper strength. But when you lost your son, that was all taken away. There was nothing else to keep fighting FOR. Even in my worst times, before I could live for me, I lived for her.

To carry on anyway, to survive, when everything was taken away from you... All I can say is that takes a tremendous amount of personal strength, JD, and it's amazing you have made it this far. If you are having the issues you describe, I honestly don't think it's that bad--and by that I do not mean in any way, shape or form, that what you are going through isn't hell. Of course it is. What I mean is how far you have come to get here is damn near a miracle. That you can have a relationship--regardless of the difficulties that are of course going to be in it--with a woman and her son, is another miracle.

I don't think you are doing badly at all, quite the opposite. I think for what you have gone through you have made amazing progress. Which, I am guessing from your quote below, I am probably correct. (I could be wrong of course, lol.)

"I really don't like talking about my clinical history too much. Brings back alot of bad memories about a very bad time."

Sometimes, when you are going through hell--actually especially then, at least in my experience--you are least able to see what you have "accomplished" for lack of a better term. People don't usually think of going through trauma as an accomplishment, or a string of accomplishments, but in it's own way, it is. It's like being involuntarily elected to go through the devil's obstacle course... Every line you cross, every day, month, week, year, you survive, and are doing better than you were at day 1, is an accomplishment. I don't know you very well, but my guess is you have a lot of "medals" from the devil at this point, even though you are still struggling with a lot of issues and symptoms.

And while it may be true, that psychiatrist really should not have told you it will be lifelong. It could be. But that varies based on personality, background, family, circumstances, so many other things, even genetics. But ultimately you are the best judge of how you are affected. But, and just MHO, I don't think that is something someone can just tell you because they have a PhD. They can give you their best guess, but they cannot give you a life sentence. For me, so far, it has been. And for you, I'd guess, most likely yes also. But I have about as much ability to predict that in you as the psych did, for all the education he/she had. Not unless their courses included "crystal ball 101". However, that is just my own opinion on any one who is a Dr. telling people such things... No oncologist tells a patient that they are dying of terminal cancer unless they KNOW they are--and sometimes even then a patient surprises them. With psychological diagnoses, it is far more difficult (not the diagnosing, but the prognosis of the patient.)

Anyway... I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you are here.

Sincerely,

Phoenix_Rising
 
I am so sorry for your pain. I have heard that there is no pain as bad as loosing a child and I believe that is true. You have the grief of loss accompanied by ptsd, and I can think of nothing more difficult. I am glad you are here glad that you are able to share. I'm a bit at loss for words of comfort, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

My sister lost her grown son a few years ago. Obviously, he was my nephew. I drug him around when he was a baby and toddler, babysat when I was a teen, and he was a real spirited kid that made me laugh a lot. When he was 18, he went into the Navy. After basic training was in auto accident caused by a drunk driver. His spinal cord was severed and he was a quadorpalegic for 18 yrs. At age 36, a drug addict came in and shot his nurse, and then him with a shotgun. The details were very gruesome. Police found him after a neighbor reported shots, no family witnessed the immediate situation.

I remember feeling like I was in shock for days. I was numb, then would cry, it was unreal. I waited by the phone for reports of what happened. I watched the news for updates. The killer confessed and details came about. The following days I began having horrible nightmares. They lasted for about a year off and on. My sister went to hearing of the murderer, who pleaded guilty and was sentenced to life. She visited him in prison very soon, and says she forgave him. We all handle things very differently. I was ashamed to say that I had nightmares, I saw nothing, he was my nephew-not my son-I felt like I was a weak person for the effects I had. I did not realize I already had ptsd at the time. I did not seek help for months, and then was given sleep meds. I have never told my family of the images imprinted in my brain, images of something I did not see, but created in my mind from the accounts of what happened.

Please know that you are not alone, andwhen you are not feeling strong, its ok to lean on others until you feel better. Hugs
 
You have been dealt a terrible blow, yet your compassion and your inner strength is glowing through.
When things are at their worst, please come by.
There will always be someone to listen and empathise.
I hope you find some strength from the many souls tuning in to you.
 
I am so sorry. I have ptsd from several causes, but the sudden loss of my sister when we were teenagers was very much a cause of much of my symptoms. I think that having a close person die suddenly is absolutely a cause of PTSD. Especially if there are other circumstances (like in my case my sister died of something I had as well mixed with neglect/abuse so survivors guilt was big, and in your case finding your son). I think that often, people are primed for major PTSD symptoms from earlier traumas too...which would make one more susceptible.

Again, I am so sorry.
 
I have been reading the forums and found very little talk of a sudden loss of a child. I found my son dead on the floor of his room. He died of SUDEP which is where a seizure kills you. He was 15 at the time. I was wondering if there was others who might have had such a loss and is suffering PTSD from it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you posted this a while back but thought I would let you know that my aunt lost a child due to a seizure. She found him vomitting and choking and called an ambulance and I guess what happened is that they put the tube to remove the fluid in his stomach instead of his lungs and he died shortly after.

My aunt went through a lot and could not be around children for a long time. He was never put on seizure medication and should have been because he had 10 seizures prior to this one.

My aunt was considered neurotic by her family physician and less than a week before her son died she had taken him to the hospital to be admitted because she feared he would seizure and they called her family physician and the doctor told emergency not to admit him and sent mental health down to talk to her. It has been about 10 years and she seems to be doing better. She can now handle being around children.

I have a friend as well whose son killed himself and he was 13. He was bullied and he ended his life the day after mother's day. She suffers tremendously with the loss. I don't think you ever get over the loss and I cannot imagine your loss but know others who have been through the loss of a child.

I think you have come to the right forum. I almost equate having PTSD for myself anyway as having a complete loss of self. Rebuilding yourself will take time and I don't think anyone who goes through that or any other terrible trauma will ever be the same again.

<Paragraphs inserted by KP the nut>
 
When I was 15, my oldest sister was 28. She was found dead in a hotel room. My mother and my sisters ex husband were the only ones that had contact with the police. She was married to a bad man at the time, and none of us liked him. The police were tracking him for killing someone else at the same time. My mother and ex brother in law told us that her current husband killed her.

At the funeral, I remember the side of her face being bruised and her lip being cut. She looked awful. We heard they caught her husband and we were told that he was going to prison for the two murders. I believed that and I think absorbed some trauma from what she had been through.

When I was about thirty, I wrote and requested the coroners report. She was not murdered, she died of a drug overdose, of unknown cause. She did not have a large amount of any lethal drug in her system and not alcohol. The drugs found were minimal and were over the counter pain medication. So the cause was left "unknown" but due to heart failure.

We can have lasting negative impressions from what we imagine things to be even when we have not witnessed something ourselves. It is as though this violent image is imprinted in the memory even when it is not correct. When we actually witness such things, I can only imagine the effects.
 
Sorry for your loss JD. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you.

Being here lets me talk openly and try to deal with the emoutions. Alot of time I walk away feeling worse than when I logged on.

I felt like this for a long time (years in fact) and I would sit here and cry as I read what other people wrote. In fact I would bawl my eyes out when I would read how similiar the stories were to mine, or just because I felt sorry for all of us. I would sign off, walk away, and not come back for months and months. But it really does get easier. Kudos to you for being here.
 
JD, I am so sorry for your loss. I believe I know some of the feelings you are describing, even though my grief is only 2 1/2 months old. We took our son out of the country to get him medical treatment for cerebral palsy. On the day of his last treatment, we woke up to find him dead. Blood had pooled and rose to the surface of his skin on several parts of his arms and legs. I had never even seen a person dead (except for at funeral homes), let alone my son. I felt such a shock that I didn't think I was going to remember to breathe. I could not move. There is not even a word to describe that most horrific feeling that came across me. Even as it seemed I had accepted that he had died, and did the whole viewing and funeral, that was just the beginning. I had been taking Ativan ever night to not think about those events. Then I read that taking meds just prolongs dealing with it, so I have tried not to rely on them regularly. There is not a night that goes by that I don't feel that feeling or see those images. I feel totally crazy. I don't want to just remember my son's death, I want to remember his life. So far I have no idea how to get there. I do feel like my grief has gotten a little better, but I believe I still have the PTSD. Maybe I didn't read back far enough, but what do they do differently for you to treat PTSD than grief?

Jacob's Mommy
 
Yeah that is very much how I found him. Except I had no idea it was coming. Living my life without him is very hard. There is always a hole there where he used to be. The grief feeds the PTSD and they feed each other.

Every month brings some new anxiety symptom. This months torture is dry mouth. Been going on for a week already tested for diabeties, don't have it. I have been to the ER many times with strange symptoms to find out they are PTSD related.

I didn't gain any kind of grip for nearly a year. Most people around me could not deal with the level of grief I was suffering. So I just learned to put on a smiling face and pretend everything was fine. But I still have flashbacks and blackouts. Before I can remember I have to intergrate his death in. Which unfortunatly is complicated by the flashbacks which keep re traumatizing me.

My son passed away Nv.19, 2007. Hopefully you have good family support and friends. The one thing with losing my son, I had to relearn everything. How to sleep,eat, nteract with people. Lost my sense of like,joy,etc. To this day it is rare for me to have joy. To this day I still don't have a favorite ice cream it used to be rocky road.

As far as the drugs go, that's a sad dead end. It would be nice if there was some magical pill, illegal or not. I have found there is no relief and when you come to the reality just rushes back in even harder. So don't corner yourself into that nonsense. Surviving both is like trying to row a boat through rough seas with both wrists broken. You can take pain killers but in the end your still of course and having to make the same corrections. I bandage my wrists directly to the paddle using my arms to paddle instead. I have written off my hands and wrists. So long as I am on turbulant water they won't heal. I went to bed shacking could sleep even If I wanted to. Another wave of anxiety has come and I am on here trying to paddle through it.
 
Hello again JD,
i wondered how you have been faring. Have you had any help from a therapist? Darn sure I couldn't face this on my own. You might want to share what kind of approach s/he took if you have been to someone. Certainly the loss is more than enough reason to go see someone, let alone dealing with the PTSD.

There will always be a big hole where the young fella was but when things continue in such a raw and interfering state I would definitely look around for a helping professional. I would audition them though as you will want to feel safe and comfortable with them and their approach and give you some confidence in the approach they are going to take.
my best to you : o )
 
I have been through the gambit of of doctors, counseling, hospic, and the courses of medicine. I have been seen by the top brain trauma doctors in the state. They all said they could reduce my symptoms none said eliminate the symptoms. I am not curable. And the reason why is because I lost a child. The grief is so hard and far reaching it is difficult for those that havn't been through it to grasp it. My gf who has been with me through the whole thing doesn't understand the difficulty. I came here in the hopes of talking to others who are suffering similiar trauma. So we can both know that we are not alone.
 
Hi JD. I justcame across your thread today. I lost my 30 yr old son to a motorcyle accident. He died in the hospital 3 days later and his family and I were with him when he died. My pain was not traumatic like yours was, and I already had ptsd. It has taken along time to grieve the loss of him but I have healed from the grief. I still miss him and will always miss him.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in losing a son. I feel for you, my heart aches for you. Your son was so young. My son was not married and had not kids.

I am sorry for your loss and that you got ptsd from it. I am sorry it happened to you. When I remember it is all so surreal. It was not real to me at all. We had him cremated so he is here with us. We moved so it was a good thing we have not scattered his ashes anywhere.

I wish peace of mind and healing for you. Big hugs.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top