Phoenix_Rising
MyPTSD Pro
Losing a child doesn't cause PTSD. Finding them dead on the floor purple, stiff, and cold when you don't expect to find them that way does. I know my son is gone, I understand what happened to him, I visit his grave, etc. The PTSD keeps bringing me back to points of finding him dead. Over and Over again. In all its shock and horror. The nightmares, the blackouts, friends telling me about moments where my conversation will stop I have blank expression and tremble. My left eye will twitch and I seem to be staring a million miles away. I have been battling this crap for 5yrs. I would love to have a simple grief issue as you seem to suggest. I would love for you to be right. But your not. I am came here hoping to find someone to share my experiences with. I am glad to be uniqe here. I would never wish upon someone to stumble on the fact thier kid is dead. So am I in the wrong place here?
I went to counseling for the grief with the Phycologist for the better part of a year. And taking the drugs to keep the ptsd in check so I could make it through the counseling sessions. The thing about taking the drugs was I had to go back every 30 days to get a new script. If I was more than 5 min late to the appointment my butt was paying 300 out of pocket. and waiting 5-7 days for a new appointment. Which also ment I went without. I really don't like talking about my clinical history too much. Brings back alot of bad memories about a very bad time. But all of this should satisfy you.
Not that anyone should ever have to "qualify" to be here, but each time I read your story, my heart breaks for you a little bit more. Sorry you DO "qualify", for PTSD or grief in the first place.
As a parent I cannot even imagine the horror of what you described. It makes me ill, and heartbroken, so I can only have the vaguest imaginings of what you must have felt, walking in to make sure he had taken his meds, and finding that.
It is every parent's worst nightmare coming true--that and kidnapping.
I am one of those people who just never got a chance at a normal life, and experienced trauma after trauma after trauma, until I hit early adulthood. But even after all I have been through, it pales in comparison to that. In fact my daughter is the one thing out of all that that I can say without qualification, I wouldn't change a thing, just because if I did, she wouldn't be here.
She gave me a reason, a motivation, and a strength that I never had... And I was pretty strong before her, but I was losing the fight. There is a very good possibility that without that sense of purpose and being needed, that I would not be here right now. When I most needed it, it gave me an even deeper strength. But when you lost your son, that was all taken away. There was nothing else to keep fighting FOR. Even in my worst times, before I could live for me, I lived for her.
To carry on anyway, to survive, when everything was taken away from you... All I can say is that takes a tremendous amount of personal strength, JD, and it's amazing you have made it this far. If you are having the issues you describe, I honestly don't think it's that bad--and by that I do not mean in any way, shape or form, that what you are going through isn't hell. Of course it is. What I mean is how far you have come to get here is damn near a miracle. That you can have a relationship--regardless of the difficulties that are of course going to be in it--with a woman and her son, is another miracle.
I don't think you are doing badly at all, quite the opposite. I think for what you have gone through you have made amazing progress. Which, I am guessing from your quote below, I am probably correct. (I could be wrong of course, lol.)
"I really don't like talking about my clinical history too much. Brings back alot of bad memories about a very bad time."
Sometimes, when you are going through hell--actually especially then, at least in my experience--you are least able to see what you have "accomplished" for lack of a better term. People don't usually think of going through trauma as an accomplishment, or a string of accomplishments, but in it's own way, it is. It's like being involuntarily elected to go through the devil's obstacle course... Every line you cross, every day, month, week, year, you survive, and are doing better than you were at day 1, is an accomplishment. I don't know you very well, but my guess is you have a lot of "medals" from the devil at this point, even though you are still struggling with a lot of issues and symptoms.
And while it may be true, that psychiatrist really should not have told you it will be lifelong. It could be. But that varies based on personality, background, family, circumstances, so many other things, even genetics. But ultimately you are the best judge of how you are affected. But, and just MHO, I don't think that is something someone can just tell you because they have a PhD. They can give you their best guess, but they cannot give you a life sentence. For me, so far, it has been. And for you, I'd guess, most likely yes also. But I have about as much ability to predict that in you as the psych did, for all the education he/she had. Not unless their courses included "crystal ball 101". However, that is just my own opinion on any one who is a Dr. telling people such things... No oncologist tells a patient that they are dying of terminal cancer unless they KNOW they are--and sometimes even then a patient surprises them. With psychological diagnoses, it is far more difficult (not the diagnosing, but the prognosis of the patient.)
Anyway... I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you are here.
Sincerely,
Phoenix_Rising