Ptsd Is Ruining A Good (or So I Think) Relationship

[saoirserylyn]

My name is Saoirse. I was diagnosed with PTSD a little over one year ago. I grew up in the foster care system, eventually adopted into a hectic home, suffered multiple abusive relationships and inevitably was kidnapped. A couple months after the kidnapping, I met my current boyfriend.

At first, I was in shock. I wasn't social, barely spoke unless I was directly asked a question. Through therapy I was able to recall traumatic events that happened during the week of my kidnapping, which is when I started experiencing flashbacks. I opened up to my boyfriend slowly, but honestly. I feel as though my slow progress in opening up to him has made me a dishonest person.

We fight constantly. I am afraid this relationship is going to turn into an abusive relationship once we move in together and he sees how crazy I am. I never sleep, only eat when reminded to, neglect my health, black out for long periods of time, have recurring flashbacks and blackouts.

Throughout the past year we have been living an hour and a half apart, but attempt seeing each other at least a few times each month. I feel like the distance has enabled me to hide these things from him, therefore leading to feelings of self hatred and denial that he can really know me or love me. I have experienced minor black outs, mood swings, flashbacks, panic attacks around him, but never anything worse than that.

Last night while speaking with him on the phone, I felt a sinking feeling well up in my chest. I laid down on the floor and started crying. I felt as though my life had been taken out from under me. Recently I changed jobs and my father (my only biological relative) passed away last week. I feel like everything in my life I'd crumbling apart. So, in some way I guess my mind may be expecting my boyfriend to leave (according to my therapist), I know I need to get a grip on these feelings and stop taking them out on my boyfriend. But in the heat of the moment, everything seems so emotionally intense. If I don't deal with it and fight with him right then and there -my fears will consume me and he will hate me and leave. The harsh reality of all this is that he hasn't left through the hardships in the past and is very loving towards me.

This occurrence on the phone, the first time I've broken down into depression and cried for hours on the phone. All he could keep saying was that he was tired and couldn't "handle this properly" right now. I got even more upset because I felt like I was being crazy and he was giving up on me for crying. I have an issue with crying in front of people and felt he should have respected me finally opening up to him. But instead I was greeted with a cold shoulder. At one point he even blatantly called me a liar.

Tonight when he tried apologizing, I jumped down this throat again and was angry with him for not being able to comfort me in my time of need. I feel like I'm being too demanding, and that maybe I can't handle a relationship at this point in time. But I also feel guilty because I know that if I weren't sick, there wouldn't be all of this added stress on our relationship... so it's my fault I'm losing him and pushing him away.

We are both 24 by the way. Sorry this post was long, but I'm panicking right now at this moment and would like a clear perspective.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm hoping you're going to give it more time before moving in with him. Essentially he knows only part of you and dropping the full weight of PTSD on someone all at once can be a lot. I'm not suggesting that he is going to leave you, rather you owe it to him and to yourself to be completely open.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Thanks for the advice. We are hoping to move in together sometime between August-November of this year. I am hoping to have a chance to fully disclose everything with him before then and even try spending an extended period of time with him before that time comes so we can really take time to get to know each other better in person.

 

[intrasearching]

saoirserylyn - I was adopted and abused also. This is the source of my PTSD. Because of our adoption experience, we not only have PTSD, but also attachment problems, namely fear of abandonment. Your relationship sounds a lot like my last one. I put a lot of pressure on my (very loving) partner because I never could trust her, never felt she was giving me enough support, etc. I realized what I was doing, that I was being irrational and putting so much stress on her. But I couldn't stop, because I was so scared and had so many messed up feelings from the PTSD etc.

I tried so hard to stop overreacting and having emotional problems. But eventually I just couldn't, because we were long distance and she lived with her ex and I was just way, way too scared that she would cheat on me. Eventually I drove her away. She still wants to have a relationship someday but I don't think I am healthy enough.

PTSD is such a mess to deal with, and being adopted adds a lot of complicated crap to it. I have read success stories, where people who were adopted and abused met someone that they fit with and had a successful marriage, but for myself personally I just can't imagine it. I have too much self-loathing and pain and I am too afraid of abandonment.

So my advice to you is to definitely spend some time thinking about what it will be like to live together. And I'd also recommend the book Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton and EMDR therapy.

I wish you all the best. This is a crappy mess to deal with but I have talked to people who found success.

 

[saoirserylyn]

@intrasearching Thanks so much for the time you've taken to respond so honestly. Adoption is another issue I'm going to start addressing in therapy. Some days it's all very overwhelming and I feel like I need multiple therapists to handle each of my issues separately. We have even been discussing starting EMDR therapy, but I'm awaiting approval from my insurance since I'm just starting a new job. It has been very frustrating.

For the first time, I feel extremely vulnerable and attached to someone. Which is a very scary thing for me. All of my past relationships have either been abusive or they have been glorified friendships. A lot of people don't understand how I can be friends with certain exs - it's because of the whole glorified friendship issue that I dealt with in the past. I tend to separate myself from good people emotionally and yet cannot separate myself from abusive people. It had become such a norm for me throughout my life to invite and trust bad people.

However with this current relationship, I have discovered love in a sense. There's an intense emotion present, a type of connection that I've never felt ever before. A feeling of being "home." I guess that stems from being adopted and never finding a place I could rightfully exist. You say that there is hope and I want to believe that so badly - and there are days that I can. Then sometimes all of this negativity takes over and I unleash it on either him or myself and it is not fair to anyone.
Life is a learning experience. Things have been rocky for me lately because I am just now learning to properly experience emotion... I believe the boyfriend has helped significantly there, but I cannot help but feel guilty for exposing him to everything I go through.

Anyway, none of this is coming together how it sounds in my head and I feel like I'm ranting a string of thoughts that aren't forming a proper idea. I'll try responding again later when I'm not feeling so overwhelmed.