Ptsd Is Taking Over My Life And I Am Having Trouble With A Lot Of Issues! Please Help!

[J_trustno1]

Myself: I am a female in mid 20s. Recently completed my masters degree. I have been in depression since i was 16 yrs old (first time when i was diagnosed) and been suffering from it for the past 10 yrs. The reasons: molested at the age of 9 by mothers brother-in-law. My father always put me down and i was never good enough no matter how hard i studied, he abused my mother for being less educated so we moved overseas when i was 12. Mothers relatives (her narcissistic brother n sister) forced me to work at the age of 12. Was always taunted by relatives about everything: weight, looks, height, teeth, hair anything you name it. Mothers sister forced me to wax my hair, even beat me n had to cook for her n family while mother was at work. Her narcissistic brother verbally abused me and sometimes never paid me for working at his restaurant (8 + hrs ). My mother never stood up to them because she felt that she was in-debt to them for bringing us to this country.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. However, I react to every little criticism i get from people. I take things too personally and sometimes I get too upset about things that I lose sleep and start feeling that I don't deserve to live. I cry for hours continuously and nothing on earth can stop it. This is actually affecting my ability to live life happily. I can't even take a joke, I just have trouble brushing things off. I show emotions to quickly and have been getting into trouble because of my emotions. I am actually finding it hard to live. Relationships (family, friends and love life) are hell for me and having trouble getting along with people. I feel that i will never have a partner since i have trusting and sensitivity issues. The so called relationship I ever had in my real life with a guy only lasted 4 days when he started ignoring me after day 4 and since then i have been feeling like a loser. But it was him who was not clear about being friends or in a relationship because he held me for a month and never told me what he wanted instead i had to ask where he made 100+ excuses to get rid of me! Please help.

Because of my low self-esteem and loss of self identity, I was almost raped by so called friends. I have trouble differentiating friends from foes. Trouble seems to follow me everywhere and I am having trouble trusting people and fear of making friends now.

I was in therapy for 3 months but can't afford it at the moment since I don't have a job for the time being.

Lastly, I have a fear of sex and whenever any male (even a friend with no bad intentions) tries to hug me, I become stiff and frozen. I automatically start feeling that he wants to use me and abuse me. I keep having fears about my future daughter if i have any for this childhood abuse. I keep feeling that all men are molesters, rapist and pedophiles. I have trouble being more than friends with a guy and i keep pushing men away from me. It feels as if i will never have a relationship in future!

 

[ill]

I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

I have definitely been in that place where I am hypersensitive to every insult or perceived insult. It's very painful, but I also think it's normal given our upbringings. Parents are almost the gods of a child's world, and when a parent is abusive or enabling of abuse, we learn to be fearful of the smallest potential threat. We learn that we're not safe and we learn to be on guard. When people are upset with me or might be upset with me, I sometimes experience it as a danger, because that's what it was in my home and I've had to unlearn that and also to learn that I'm not as powerless as I used to be as a child (even though it still sometimes feels that way!).

One thing that has been helpful for me is actively working on and thinking about my boundaries. Learning that I am allowed to have boundaries and to be safe has made a big difference and has made human interaction a lot less painful and scary for me. It's also helped to build my self-esteem and trust.

Is it possible to find a therapist with a sliding scale?

 

[Darren Wagner]

I too am sorry that you have had to endure such suffering at the hands of many. Congratulations on getting your masters!
I just want to chime in as a new member that what your feeling is very normal, I've been living with PTSD for about 20 years now.

I hope that you can get back in therapy soon, as talking it out with a professional is very important and working together to map out a plan and to equip you with the tools we need to get through the tough times as well as the average days.

Much luck and happiness,
Darren

 

[J_trustno1]

Thank you guys. I am changing my doctor to a female doctor because i don't trust him as he made fun of my circumstances. Looking for a doctor that will understand me is a big task. However, it will take me about 2-3 months finding a job because I have submitted my thesis a week ago. So I cannot afford therapy for this long. But I am willing to get back to it as it is helping me and directing me to the direction I should be moving. I have been on antidepressants for so many cycles and they do nothing for me, they only provide solution for a short-term while i am on them and once I am off they no longer work. Therefore, there is no point in going on those ever ever again. Although I went to therapy first time in all those years and it was only for 3 months, I can see a lot of improvements. So my only answer to cure is therapy I feel because I can let everything out and I get to think thoroughly why i am feeling all this.


All the best to you Darren and ill. I hope you guys overcome your problems from PTSD and live a happy life. No one on this planet deserve to live in a such misery and thank you for your kind words. :)