Ptsd Lifelong

[Bergschlawiner]

As a retired soldier and law enforcement officer I have heard so much about others in my world who have PTSD that is related to events during their service, be it in combat or on the job as cops. In my case I was vulnerable to PTSD coming from a family with an alcoholic father and unhappy childhood when just when I was 20 I had an unfortunate traffic fatality when an intoxicated man walked in traffic and was hit by me. It was well witnessed and the police and everyone were considerate but other than giving me a cup of coffee did nothing else. Shortly after this I enlisted in the military and stayed in uniform for 28 more years with combat in Vietnam in my mid 30's, had a first marriage to an alcoholic for 10 years fail and then raising her son, a second marriage that failed with an emotionally disturbed wife, on and on. All those years I felt that I was fooling everyone by pretending I was a normal person but inside thought I was crazy. Same after retirement and entering law ennforcement. Always wearing the uniform and what goes with it was like putting on armor and being another person other than the one I disliked. I retired from the police at 70 and worked one year in Iraq at Abu Ghraib Prison where I was very happy to be again doing a job and giving the appearance of a normal person. Now at 76 I have no more uniform to hide behind and no job to lose myself in. I know that all the dignosis for depression are not looking at this lifelong PTSD from a single event that I worked for 56 years to shut out of my mind. So the is not "service related" PTSD and most soldiers have and what the VA can deal with.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Bergschlawiner!

I am sorry I have not welcomed you earlier.

You definitely picked an interesting name. I grew up in Europe and one of the countries in which I lived is Germany. Very cool!

You have definitely lived through a myriad of experiences, any one of them setting you on the road to developing PTSD.

Welcome again, and feel free to participate in anything to which you can relate at any time. This is a warm, friendly, and encouraging forum.

Take care!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bergschlawiner,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Thank you for providing the service to your country both in the military and in a civilian capacity. Many times PTSD isn't caused by one defining trauma, but by cumulative traumas. But this is a great place to learn and receive the support needed as you heal.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[goingonhope]

Hope to see you around the forum Bergschlawiner. Welcome!

 

[Icon Nikon]

Hello Bergschlawiner,

First off, I too would like to thank you for your service. You honored us and I hope in some small way we can help you.

Obviously at a critical time in a young man's life you suffered a tragic experience, a life lost right before your eyes. There is no possible way that you could not be affected by it. But sadly it seems like no one was there to help you with the blame you carry around, blame that is and never was yours to own.

But even before that, you came to dislike yourself, be it what you witnessed as a child or were told as a child. Also being raising in an alcoholic environment, surely led to at the very least a certain amount of neglect and the absence of a significant male role model. In any case, you most certainly did not receive the things you needed in order to feel content and secure in your own skin. How truly tragic and traumatic!

I don't wish to presume how and what you felt for all these years, and I most assuredly won't speculate. That is not my place!!! This forum is a place of support and information on your healing path, for which you took one giant step closer by having the courage to join and to write this post.

However, it is just my opinion, but it appears that you found something in "the uniform", something that you were desperately missing or just unable to see in yourself. Maybe strength, dependability, honor...I don't know. But I do clearly hear the pain and loss and confusion you feel without it.

I guess what I'm trying to say, without wanting to speak for you in any way, that aside from what the others have said, we all do what we need to do to walk in this world each and every day we choose to get up and face ourselves. For some it's a small shift from a private self to a public one and for others, like myself, we detach or go numb thus becoming a protected but empty shell.

For you, my new friend, you put on a uniform that stood for all things orderly and decent and good. But from where I sit, and for what it's worth, you ARE the man in the uniform, even if you no longer put it on each day. It is my wish that, with helpful healing, you will be able to see that for yourself.

I salute you, and please keep up the brave fight for what you need and deserve.
Alex

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

As Alex so eloquently put it... You deserve Bright and my utmost respect and thank you as well...

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Bergschlawiner. Thank you for all you have done to serve others even if you were not feeling well inside. You seem to be a very strong willed person to have gone through life as you did and still be able to accomplish tasks. Hope you find some sense and peace here on the forum.