Ptsd Lifetime Effects

[Debi]

Also I read Anthony's story as well as his guidelines to telling the story. From what I have read about Anthony and his wife, I feel that this forum has been set up by two people who are extremely caring and are not naive to disturbances that could be experience as individuals divulge such intimate life experiences.

I ask myself why I feel the need to be on this site. I am looking for clarity ,yet hoping to find much more. The clarity is to understand how it is that I am still affected by past events. I hope to be able to identify with the part of me that I can trust.

In such a scenario my behavior is;....I am searching for the words.....something like a school girl....childish...but charming. I become overwhelmed. I feel embarrased as I think of it. Then at other times given similar circumstances my behavior might be sultry, and very philosophical.

I just want to exsist. It is like I need permission to do so. Is it not true that our personalities or is it our character is built on the foundation of how we were brought up?

Here is where the problem lies for me. I really don't blame anyone anymore for who I have become. There was a time when I believed that I was truly demon possesed. Which in my mind only meant that in order to be free from demonic possesion I would need to Fast (go without food), pray continuously. I grew up with a true fear of demonic possesion.

Sorry, I need a break.

 

[Debi]

Thank you fireball....this is not easy....but I can feel a strength from deep inside me that offers hope to all of us. Also I appreciate your sharing with me. I am very touched because I know how difficult it is to tell what no one wants to hear. Sometimes when trying to at least find emotional balance through all the thoughts that racer through my head I will finally come to ...hmmm... I think of it as the breakining of a damn....the wall crashes and the water (tears) flow covering everything. It was one of these times when I had an "insight" I guess.

It came to me in picture form within my own thoughts, like a dream, but I was awake.". I could see myself as a soldier coming through the forest with "my platoon". We were all bloody and fatigued from the battle.

We had come to a clearing where a huge boulder sat. Each of us positioned ourselves against the boulder to rest ourselves. We looked one to the other, showing intense emotions of relief as we recognied that each of us were still alive. VICTORY!!!

...Suddenly (in this dream) I looked down and noticed that I had lost my right leg from the knee down. All my joy went to anger and bitterness. "This is not fair.", I screamed "I fought a good fight,I was suppose to be whole."

I fell limp to the ground. My platoon put together for me an arificial leg. I was so grateful to them I could not allow myself to show anger only gratitude. The joy of the victory; however, was no longer within memy platoon left me alone to mourn my loss.

As I sat feeling sorry for myself with my head held low ;out of my periphial vision I saw a man approaching me app gently. I would not look up at him and he did not speak, just hovered at the left of me.

He put his hand (palm up) under my face as if he needed something. I was thinking a beggar needing money. I became more aggitated. He made the same motion several times until finally I threw myself back to sit up straight and look him in the eye. My intention was to give him the "get away" manners by just blowing him off with a look..

He was persistant and now was standing directly in front of me. He again placed his hand in my face (palm up). I decided to play his silly game and motioned to take this "nothing" from his hand. (Because I had nothing of value to give). ...it was un explanable....I looked and my leg was whole as if I had never lost it. I looked to thank him; I leaped forward to grasp him and never ever let him go. I needed to know who he was...I needed to know everything. He spun around now pointing his finger in my face...and spoke.."I have come to give you life and that more abundantly"....This was a dream....and WOW...can you see the wisdom in it...I don't know...just WOW .

.

 

[Fireball]

Hi Debi,

That really sounds great. I think such a dream can give you much power. Somebody deep inside or where from gave you your wholeness. You are not a half human being because you went through this. You are whole and wonderful, the only Debi. WOW.

I once had a wonderful dream too. There I have been sexually abusde I really have problems with my sexuality. Sometimes it is not possilbeeven to talk about it. It is tabu.

This was my dream: I lay there. It was warm and me naked. There was a flower growing out of my vagina. It was such a wonderful flower: strong, fascinable, wonderful colors. When I awake I was so happy. It was like my body told me: "Have peace with me. I love you. And you are allowed to love me."

I couldn't change my behavior in a minute. But two weeks ago I started a special diet (the right word? special eating) and now I look after my body and try to show him that I love him, too.
I hope this will go on.

Take care of you,

Fireball

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Debi))))

This forum gave me some something deeply healing that I had never found in real life. A place to tell the truth, and have others bear witness without denying, invalidating, excusing, or otherwise abandoning me again to the abusers.

You have been through a childhood of hell already. You survived being raised by very sick, selfish people who have no business being allowed to babysit a pet, much less have authority over beautiful children. ...and that sweet, precious, pure little wonderful gift to the universe you are remains undiminshed by the cruelty and sickness done to you.

You are strong and brave and a survivor. I am truly sorry for all the bad things that happened to you. NONE of them were your fault.You are NOT evil, possessed, a seducer, or in any way responsible.

Keep reading, writing, and most of all, speaking gently to yourself.

You deserve healing. You deserve love, kindness, friendship, and joy.

You always did. I'm so angry and sad you never got those things!

 

[Debi]

Dear BloominWinter, your words are very healing. I tried to read something you posted on Complex PTSD. I am shaking. I couldn't focus enough to read it all. I tried to get back to it but couldn't find it again, so I googled "Complex PTSD". I want help so bad.
It is so hard to find Therapist who deal with PTSD. I wonder how it is that I can find so much information on the subject, but I can not seem to find a therapist.
It is so difficult for me to have relationships with my children who are now grown with my grandchildren. The simplist family issues send me into such a dark place. I call them on the phone, careful not to allow myself to linger too long so they will not sense that I am not quite ok.
My mother passed away on December 2, 2009. It is as though pandoras box opened up. I have a since of being smothered. I have to stay busy. I have so much to let go of. Why is it so hard??????

 

[BloomInWinter]

It is SOOOOO hard!!!

A lifetime of carrying a heavy pack of PTSD traumas along the path of 'surviving' have finally come to the bend in the road, and your body decided not to allow you to be able to just pick it up and continue down that same path anymore.

So, you're gonna have to take stuff outta that pack and it's gonna SUCK for awhile. Those burdens are as heavy as the day you put them in. You're going to have pain and all those emotions and then...you'll take a step. ...and you'll notice it's a bit easier. ...then, you'll take something else out. ...and journey further, noticing it feels better, so you'll wanna take some more out. ...and you'll take some more out, then you'll stand up, and find you can now stand upright. ...and you'll feel the wind on your face and notice the blue sky and think...wow, where has all this good stuff been?

It's a process. You made it through so much. Begin by speaking kindly to yourself. Writing down the self-hating talk and then identifying whose voice that *really* is. Then, deciding if what has been being said in your head is even close to true...and replacing it with kind, self-loving words when you are ready to.

You don't have to find a trauma T. right now (though it helps, but there's not enough in the world for everyone who needs one).

It's ok to 'not be ok' as a Mom. That's the beginning of showing our children our true selves.

It's ok to say "I'm feeling lonely...I'm feeling tired....I'm FEELING...(whatever you are)" because that invites others to share what they are feeling. This is the beginning of healing the intergenerational traumas passed down to us.

...a good T., even untrained in trauma, is still at least beginning the unpacking. As is posting here.

(((((Debi)))))))

May your life become more rich and fulfilling than you can possibly imagine.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I think the thread you are looking for is the 'differentiating complex trauma.'

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/differentiating-complex-trauma.17201/#post-231145[/DLMURL]

 

[Debi]

I so appreciate all the support I have recieved on this site.

This morning I was watering the plants. I had a very difficult day yesterday. I can't say I don't understand what I am feeling...it is just too much to feel at one time.

The emotions feel as though I am paralyzed; as though, I am being forced to remember. I do not trust my memories. I remember saying many times to those who would not believe me when I tried so hard to get help when I was a child...I would say..I do not have the privlege of wondering what happened...

"Judge not least ye be judged"....in the year 2000; I was in a 9 year marriage, (troubled marriage). I got a phone call from my first husband whom I had not seen in years.

He wanted a DNA test on my daughter who was 24 years old (she was born in 1976). I recieved a call from him and he stated the test prooved that he was not the father.

I was devastated, confused....I did not know the truth. Why did I not know the truth? Why would I lie to my daughter?

Eventhough my thoughts are very clear. I can't seem to type the words.....Anyway...after a series of events....I ended up in the hospital because I was suicidal.

I have come to believe that my suicidal ideation is in reality the feeling of being "murdered". Bare with me ;I know those words are extreme.

The event with my father...I never related to it as sexual....I thought he was trying to take my life. When I was asked if he raped me...I remember that I did not understand what rape was. I never had the right answers.

When I got the news in the year 2000....I was obsessed with finding the right answer. I was old enough to know the question. I knew how babies are made....the problem was this was MY BABY. My first born. My first pregnacy.

Pregnacy gave sex a whole new meaning for me. What an awesome experience. I was in love with her before she was born. My family is french so I asked my grandmother to help me name her...Cherami..(dear friend)

Makes a beautiful story right? I truly was in love with my baby; myself for being a woman....blessed (emotions intense due to much loss before she came to be; out of balance)....GOD knows my sorrow.

PTSD....where does it start....where does it end?????? Now I know what it is like to be slapped with truth and unable to deal with it. I feel empathy for those who could not believe me because they could not deal with what they KNOW. This does not relieve anyone of the pain and suffering....my mother died with it.

 

[Debi]

I was a victim of a sexual crime at the age of 19. I was kept for....days..... first husband states that he and my brother looked for me for 4 days. I NO LONGER HAVE CONFIDENCE IN MY MEMORIES. I don't remember how long I was missing or how I got away.....I have never told what I do remember. At the time I did not even know it (rape and torture)was against the law. The church was ALL I knew. I did not trust them. I truly did not trust my parents.

I tried to commit suicide; my brother found me, I was taken to Ben Taub hospital. My brother saved my life. It really scared him. We haven't been very close since.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Your story is deeply moving. If I could give you a big hug, I would. I am glad you are here and you will find that it helps a lot. The people here are such amazing support.

Keep coming back and keep moving toward healing

 

[Debi]

Thank you OKRADLAK for your kind words.

I am sitting here stunned. I missed a call on my phone. The missed number was not available so I checked voice mail . I was able to retrieve the number. The reason I went through all the trouble was I have been worried about my sister. I believe I had mentioned our conflict (without details) earlier in these posts.

Anyway, to my surprise it was my dad. I haven't heard from him in a long time; overall, it is very rare that I would hear from him. MY heart breaks into. What timing????????????

We used to sing in church; his message was a song from those days. It goes....

I've come too far to look back again.

My feet have walked through the valley.

I've climbed mountains, crossed rivers.

Desert places I've known.

But, I'm nearing that long shore. the redeemed are rejoicing,

Heaven's angles are singing

I've come too far to look back

I weep. I do not want his love.......but...I .....I do .....long for........assurance that God has not left me.....alone....

This is really the button that spilled the bucket of tears....he said he did not want to take up my time........I don't know any of you......I am so tired of going through this alone.

I have to pull myself together so my boyfriend doesn't come home seeing me in tears.............I just want it to all go away!!!!

 

[OKRADLAK]

I have to pull myself together so my boyfriend doesn't come home seeing me in tears.............I just want it to all go away!!!!

You are lucky you have a supporter!:) I almost had a boyfriend recently. But it all got to be too much. My last one I had was very kind but I had to break up with him because of the PTSD. I cannot have both. I do not know how people do it and I admire you guys who can SO MUCH. It is inspiration because I would like that one day. It's so hard to go this alone.