I hope that all is well with everyone. I am trying to figure out how to use the site in a very beneficial way. It is really difficult to express the thoughts I so desperately want to get out. I feel as though I can not just open up and let it flow. I truly desire this to be a learning experience.
I read the thread about "rambling". This is what I want to avoid. I am also trying to figure out how to follow others stories to get a better feel of what is ok to share.
Father's Day at the water park was fun. We (my kids and grandchildren played all day). It has been years since we played together.
I have a niece by my younger sister (4 years younger than myself). She is going through alot. At the end of the day my niece, my 2nd daughter and myself sat outside the restaurant to chat. My niece had the floor. We sat to hear her vent. As she spoke she was opening so much family history without really knowing it. Due to the fact that this was her time, all I could do was listen.
To see how the family dynamics have crippled our children is heartbreaking. No loyalty, trust, from the upper level (grandparents). So much deception.
Something that stands out in my mind that is spine chilling was her account of a phone call from my father (her grandfather). The call was to my sister stating that he (my father) has decerned that my niece has an evil spirit. He reached the conclusion when we showed up at church just after my mom died. My niece sees my father and held him weeping with much grief. He states that he decerned this evil spirit in this moment.
I feel so angry about this. I haven't heard this philosophy in years. EVIL SPIRITS. PLEASE This was her support. I really need to let this out.
My first thought: There was no funeral for my mom. Her death was very unexpected. It was devestating. She and my niece were very close. I will give my account as I feel it is would be a part of the healing; but this version of the story of my mom passing away will be told later.
The next thought: On the night that my dad (I spoke of this as the "Big Night") My father held me down at the age of 10. He was praying and speaking in tongues. But I was the one with the evil spirit.
How do I deal with this. I feel as though I will come out of my skin. I feel withdrawn. I feel anything could make me snap...I am SO aware that we could easily be dealing with his funeral. Which will be fully supported by the church.
My anger is too much. I think of when they took me to what was called the Little Red Barn". This was a building where we had Ladies prayer meeting, youth meeting , and where they sat me in a chair to free me of demonic possesion. I believed them. I sat in this chair which had arms on the side. My mother was in front of me on her kneees facing me. While continuously tapping me on my forhead (as though she were agitating the spirit....totally unaware of ME)...she was saying " Come out of her you spirit of lust...in the name of J+++++." ( I am uncomfortable to put his name in this account. My anger rose. I had no idea what to expect. The anger overcame me. I thought it was an evil spirit. I went for my mother's throat. I was pulled back into the chair by these grown men (ministers). I bowed up and swung the men forward. I was then held face down on the floor. I fought< I was so angry....I wanted help.....this went on for hours. I began vomiting......
I can not put into words how horrible I felt about this afterwards. I was afraid of my own anger. To this day anger paralyzes me. I could right a book on this experience alone. In no way do I have a need to disrupt others belief in this matter. I have a deep anger toward this type of "religion".
Keep in mind that we (myself and my siblings) are at a very ackward emotional place with my father due to the medical condition he is facing.
