Ptsd - No Emotions During Therapy Sessions

[Fraser46]

I was attacked whilst working abroad in February 2012, I was walking towards my apartment block when I was mugged and held to the ground by 3 youths. The men walked past me about 50m from the entrance and then grabbed me from behind and pulled me to the ground. During the attack, I was restrained whilst they stole my passport, flat keys, purse, bankcards and mobile phone. I sustained a bump to the head, fractured jaw, cuts, 3 broken ribs,bruises (to my face, arms and stomach), and hypothermia. I was badly shaken and lost consciousness shortly after the attack and spent a few days in hospital being observed. I was regularly seen by a variety of doctors as I developed headaches, nightmares, memory issues, concentration issues, lack of appetite and co-ordination difficulties. The neurologist and psychologist diagnosed PTSD and Depression (March 2013)

The private clinic that I was seen at (Russia) scan my brain every month and picked up on four incisions on my hippocampus and scaring - this indicated that during the attack I must have hurt my head which results in some bleeding in my brain. One of the scans (PET scan) also showed that my Amygdala was swollen. It would seem that I was unconscious for over 15 minutes, I was very lucky that I lost consciousness inside and with others around as it was -35c outside. The doctors monitored my scans to try and detect any changes in my brain. I returned to the UK about 18 months ago and have found it very difficult to adapt. I have seen psychologist privately both abroad and in the UK, for CBT and EMDR therapy but show very little emotions to the attack. I am still effective by the attack as I have flashbacks, anxiety, nightmares, muscle tremors, depression symptoms, muscle and joint pain, headaches and generalised anxiety symptoms. I am waiting to see a neurologist about possible muscle leg muscle weakness. My GP/hospital has prescribed a variety of medication to try and control the chemical imbalance in my brain and they symptoms of the PTSD (anti-depressants, muscle relaxants, nerve pain medications, painkillers and sleeping tablets). It is still a bit of trial and error with medication.

The psychologist is concerned that I am not managing progress because I have no emotions about the attack - is this common?

 

[arfie]

Sounds like what my doctors called Dissociation. I had shut the feelings away in a dank, musty vault. Or at least tried to. They kept leaking out as nightmares, rage and a host of other nasties while the bulk of the feelings stayed internalized, breeding up ever more infection. Wasn't able to purge them until I let myself feel them. No fun, but the cleansing brought great rewards.

So it was for me. Hope you find what it is for you, Suzanne. Be good to yourself.

 

[franciemarnie]

Your limbic brain may perceive you as being in a threat to safety situation still and it has shut you down. You will feel the feelings someday when your system is ready.

Practicing grounding, mindful meditation, doing work outs, doing comforting activities to make you feel safe might help even though you are safe and don't "feel" unsafe.

I'm surprised that the psychologist is worried about your progress since dissociation is such a common characteristic. But I'm glad s/he cares period. And that you are in therapy for trauma.

 

[Fraser46]

Thank you. My emotions have been rather mixed and sometimes I can get really upset and then I show no emotions. I saw a psychologist whilst I lived abroad and I did feel that I was making progress. About 4 months after the attack, I moved back to the UK and found it very difficult to adapt back into my old life. I have been back in the UK for 18 months now and I am still on a NHS waiting list to see a psychologist. I am currently seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist privately. I am making very slow progress with the psychologist, but feel that the first few months of trying to deal with a trauma in a foreign country without my family, has probably had a impact. I am hoping with time, that I will be able to access these emotions. The psychologist that I see has so far worked on Progressive Muscle Relaxant, grounding, CBT and EMDR.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Suzanne - Whenever I told the story of my trauma, I would tell it as if it happened to someone else. I pretty much walled myself off from experiencing it again, and so felt "numb" to just about everything. And then I would blame myself for feeling "broken".

 

[DMerish]

Hi Suzanne,

From my own experience, and from what I've read, yes, it is common. Your body, mind and emotions went through a horrific event. One of the ways it deals with what happened is to shut down. The anxiety is there as a self-protective mechanism, to help you be aware of other possible harmful circumstances and avoid them. However, the anxiety "antenna" is not always accurate. Likewise, I believe flashbacks and nightmares are due to a combination of "stuckness" and the mind's attempt to process what happened. So too for the muscle tremors - your nervous system is still overwhelmed from what happened.

Healing from severe trauma can take a long time, and it proceeds at a pace that you don't (nor your counselor) has a lot of control over. With time and daily good self-care (doing things to relax as well as exercising your large muscles in rhythmic patterns, i.e. walking) is helpful. One can't conjure up emotions when one doesn't feel them. But emotions can return. Something else to consider is that the amount and type of drugs you are taking may have something to do with your emotions being suppressed.

I'm not sure if what I've written applies for you or makes sense. I think often times when horrific events occur, folks tend not to trust themselves as much as they used to. I think when that happens that its helpful not only to work with counselors and doctors to enhance one's healing, but also begin to get in touch with one's self and ask "How do I (you) feel about my (your) progress?"

What does your intuition tell you?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'd say it's common enough to be emotionless about your trauma. I had no feelings about mine for 25 years.

 

[shell]

Yes it is, when I first started therapy I would talk about it like it happened to someone else. I had to learn to get back in my body, to trust myself and trust my T.

Even after 3 years of therapy at times I still numb, and dissociate. Keep trying, give yourself permission to feel. We numb because we are overwhelmed.

 

[Fraser46]

It does sound similar to what you are all describing. I talk about the event although I am watching it happen to someone else. Even when I write things down, it is like a newspaper articles with only facts and no emotions. Hopefully over time this will improve.

 

[arfie]

When I have returned to the US after living abroad, I experienced another layer of difficulty re-assimilating to my old life. Especially after I was immersed in other languages. My last experience ended in 2008 and it still feels even more surreal than the traumatic events which caused my cPTSD several decades ago.

I have never received any validation for my wandering through that wonder, but I wonder still...

 

[Britt.f7]

@suzanne1987 That happens when I try to write about it too. Last year, which happened to be the anniversary of the death of my friends(when I was a little girl), I finally wrote about it with some emotion. It was not easy. I tried to make it sound less like a newspaper article. The other traumas I have not been able to do the same. Whenever I talk about them, when I talk about them, they are all matter of fact.

I'm only hoping that one day I will be able to do so with emotion. Maybe then I'll be free.